Leaving abusive partner and becoming a single parent

[Emilyh92]

I’m currently leaving my partner of 6 years for being physically and emotionally abusive. The abuse has always been there to some extent but I buried my head in the sand for so long. I even managed to blame myself for some of it as he told me I was needy and caused him to be that way.

I now have a 4 month old baby and it’s made me realise I can’t bring him up in this type of environment. I know I need to stay away and not go back to him, but it’s not easy. Im so upset at the thought of losing the life I had envisioned for us together with our son. Im panicked about being a single mum and feeling lonely.

Is anyone else in the same situation or has been before that can give some encouraging words?

If anyone else is going through this right now do you want to chat?

I've been through it. My ex morphed into an abusive git immediately after ds was born. It took me a year to find a job, sort a flat deposit etc.

I focused on the practical challenges of getting me & ds moved in, furnished, found a childminder ds liked and being ready to work in the three weeks I had. It was hard work.

Then I sort of 'nested' with ds in the evenings for about six months. It helped that it was winter and I just needed to get my balance back, making sure ds was happy and settled, cooking food I liked, redecorating. I didn't want to see anyone else until I felt completely relaxed in our very small world.

It was such a relief to be free, I didn't worry about life as it could have been. By spring I had unwound enough to look forward to the life we were going to have, which was much better 🤗

I've been through it, many years ago.

Remind yourself that you are grieving for a life that didn't really exist. He wasn't the man you thought he was / needed him to be. Life with him wasn't going to be a life of settled, carefree contentment was it?

You are going to be in a BETTER place. You have lots to look forward to. Right now you're dealing with huge change, big life decisions - it's understandable that you're rocked by it. But you're doing the right thing. DESPITE it being hard, you know it's the right thing to do.

Imagine yourself and DC in 6 months, or a year, when the drama of now has receeded, and you're just left with the happiness, contentment, optimism of the much better life that faces you. For me, I felt relief on day 1, for some it takes a bit longer. But you will feel relief, and with that comes comfort, then a new energy for planning the future. Happy days await.

I’m two years on from where you are now OP and although the day-to-day practicalities can be challenging (because it’s just me doing everything), I am so much happier and so is DS.

It’s a big step to take but it’s the right one - I wish I’d realised my husband was abusive when my boy was as young as yours is, I’d have saved us both a lot of heartache.

I'm 3 years free and left when my youngest was 6 months old. Yes it's very hard at times but 100% worth it, I have no regrets in leaving despite having to leave behind my friends, my job and my house. Do you have family support and a place to live? My health visitor was a huge help when I was preparing to leave.

One word of advice though - you need a good solicitor! You might be entitled to legal aid as a victim of DA but be prepared for your ex to get some form of contact with your child unless you can prove he's been abusive to the baby. If it's safe to do so, keep a diary of dates and details of any incidents of DA to refer back to.

I left abusive H when DS was 5 months old. I did a midday flit and left a note. It wasn't easy and did flip flop and nearly go back. But I didn't. That was 11 years ago.

Do you have a plan in place to leave safely? Can you speak to your HV or GP and Women's Aid? I emailed them as I was too scared to phone, they were great. Good luck, you can (and will) do this.

As a pp has said, get as much evidence as you can
Don't be like me who didn't get any evidence my ex is a raging alcoholic so had no choice but to abide to the 50/50 he demanded . At the time he had a very respectable job and no record . Said he'd tell everyone I was crazy and didn't have a leg to stand on
Only now can I take him to court as he has lost his license and job due to drink . And he's still adamant he's done nothing wrong and I will be laughed out of court .

I didn't leave an abusive ex but I have raised my dd completely on my own.

Focus on your Ds and yourself, sort out the practical issues like finding somewhere to live, sorting benefits and finances.

Work on your confidence, believe in yourself, you can do this.

I love being a single parent, my dd is my little buddy and I've been able to give her a fab childhood (she's now 17!)

I also have a four month old, I think you're doing the right thing for sure, your baby needs a happy and well protected mummy. Get as much support as you possible can, tell everyone you trust that loves you what's happening. Seek advice before you leave from women's aid or refuge so they can help you make a plan to do it safely as the two weeks after leaving are the most dangerous time for you (ie it's when you're most likely to be killed or badly injured by him).

I also have done lots of grieving for the family life envisioned. However, you need to remember that either way, that happy family life isn't going to happen (with him as your partner) whether you stayed or left.

You're very brave and good luck! Xxx

Ps feeling lonely- I don't at the moment as I'm staying with parents. When I move out back to my own place, my plan is to have regular invited of friends to come round for dinner etc, and get out every day with my baby to parent groups etc helps

Definitely @Girliefriendlikespuppies - my relationship with my DS is wonderful now I’m not having to spend every moment thinking about his father’s behaviour. I’m a lot more fun (even if more tired) and plan all sorts of stuff for us that I wouldn’t have been able to do when I was married.

I was in this situation 16 years ago yes. It was scary. And for reasons that now blow my mind, at the time, it felt like a difficult decision
I revise history if I say it was an easy decision. But once I was free I had the emotional ''tools''' to get on with it. He had been an albatross around my neck, always in a bad mood, so controlling, never letting me do anything (including work! He wanted a slave who was dependent on his mercies.

If we had no money (which we didn't) I just accepted that there'd be no ballet. I didn't stress over it. I got joy (well, satisfaction) from a cup of tea and the cross word, and a walk while they were at school. I got a part time job as soon as I could, so that I'd have the prsi contributions for a pension as I was worried about that. I've kept working, so, been feathering our own nest.

Good luck OP
I left my ex when my baby was 6 weeks old. There were some tough times but it all worked out well in the end (dd is now an amazing young adult and we have always had an amazing bond) and I would encourage anyone to leave a bad or abusive relationship rather than trying to make it work.
Some men (people) can't be fixed.

I've just commented on your other post ❤
I should have included this in my comment, sorry.
I brought my son up alone from birth to around 10 months, looking back that was actually the happiest time of my life. I couldn't see it because I was pining for the abusive ex.
I took him back and put up with the consequences of my actions for 2 years, as did my son. Because I was an idiot.
Now, I'm back in those happy times and I see it clearly.
There's no contact with the ex. It's all on me.
You'll feel a strength and pride in yourself you never knew existed.
You'll watch your child develop and grow and know it was because of you.
It's hard at times, I can't lie, all responsibility lies on your shoulders and it can be heavy. But what's the alternative? Is a life growing up watching your mother be abused a better option? Growing up thinking this shit is normal and continuing the cycle?
I watched my mum remain in an abusive marriage. She watched her mum in an abusive marriage. My grandmother watched her mum in numerous abusive relationships...
You see what can happen?
That cycle is ending with me.
Do the same. If not for you, for your child, please.
And if you feel like going back, read your posts. Read the comments. Remember how you felt when he was hitting and kicking you. Imagine how scared your baby must have felt seeing and hearing this.
Stay strong, you can do this.

are you able to cut him out completely? because if he's still around within your life to some extent then you will need strong boundaries and a plan. co-parenting with an ex who is abusive can be really tough.

I don't co-parent with my ex as such (I have 100% care of our child) but he's on the scene visiting etc (visits done at my place as his place completely inappropriate) and over the years we've had a lot of horrid rows which made things super difficult. So think carefully about how he will have contact (if any) - he could make things super difficult so you might be better off cutting losses completely if you're able. Because dealing with their crap on top of a baby is mentally and physically exhausting.

Oh and one more thing - don't expect to have loads of energy. Single parenting is hard. good on the PP above who had time for decorating, cooking etc. IME I found the opposite - I was full on shattered (and had bad PND and chronic fatigue) for a couple of years without a spare moment for myself or to rest (was also working PT) seeing to the baby and being woken up multiple times a night. Have realistic expectations of what you will be able to achieve on your own - a perfect house and home cooked dinners won't necessarily be possible depending on your support network. Adjust your expectations and don't be hard on yourself if you can't achieve your ideal lifestyle. A baby is all about the baby and it can be hard to look after yourself and your home and social life etc amid everything. Not to scare you just so your expectations are not that things will somehow be perfect. That said you should never stay with an abuser, the alternative is 100 times worse!!