Marriage is likely over - how do I move on?

[Firefliesmagic]

First time poster. Hopefully getting acronyms right. . Married 13 years, together 20. Both early forties now and have dc (9 and 12). We both work full time and I basically run 95% of house, chores and children (and dog). I have been so patient and bent over backwards for my DH.
Realistically our marriage has been not right for the past 5-6 months maybe even longer. DH started withdrawing from me/home life. Terribly low and moody when home. Out after work and on weekends rather than being at home. He has always done some of this but I started noticing a difference. Yes, I suspected OW but every time I said anything about his moods etc I was told I was dramatic and over-emotional. A month ago he tells me "we" need space. He is not happy and feel guilty for making me unhappy. Lots of very open and honest conversations followed whilst he was trying to make up mind whilst still in home. Admission of OW but just as a "fun friend" that has made him realise that life should be fun (she is significantly younger than us and have no kid or responsibilities....of course she is more fun!) not a physical affair (yet?!?) Still in house but spare bedroom. I was pushing for space for us to be able to think more clearly. He decided a week ago that he wanted to stay and work on changing things. I agreed. Week has been good - seen some real improvements in effort and communication. I started to have some hope. But then tonight we were talking and I was asking how he had found the week and probing a bit more on the friend. And he suddenly did a 180. Too hard to make effort, not feeling natural but forced and actually he wants space. So now he is moving out tomorrow. I tried to reason that we had hardly given it a go but no. We will tell our DC tomorrow. What we tell them, I don't know. I'm devastated and angry and all the emotions right now. What a fool I have been. So many years wasted. I truly believe he was my best friend. I had hope we would work through it and come back stronger. Now I'm faced with cold hard reality of breaking my DCs hearts and for them to live in a broken family. I know I deserve better but I am so scared and sad for the future despite also having a little glimmer of hope that everything happens for a reason. Why can men not see that they are clearly in the midst of MLC and why do they refuse to seek help or advice? (I don't mean all men - but definitely my DH)
Sorry for ranting. But hoping for some (kind and gentle!) sense to be thrown at me here.

You can’t change him and his decision.
Just focus on what you want.
Do you want DC 50:50, do you want him to have alternate weekends and some week nights? How will you communicate re DC, who will pay what?
What does life without him look like practically and how do you want to achieve that?
Try to tuck the emotions away until you are in a safe place to deal with them. Not easy, I am sure.
💐

Admission of OW but just as a "fun friend" that has made him realise that life should be fun (she is significantly younger than us and have no kid or responsibilities....of course she is more fun!) not a physical affair (yet?!?)

Sadly it probably will be a physical affair. He's just not admitting it.

Hi OP.
I'm sorry you're in this position.
There is no question that this is a physical affair. They always lie about it at first.

You are so right. I have actually been very clear minded about it all and already thought through most of what separation would look like up until last weekend when he then decided to try and work through it. Had he said last weekend he was moving, I genuinely think I would have been in a better spot. But having had hope and seen some improvement this past week has now put me firmly on the back-foot with this outcome. I will stay in our home, I've already told him that. I can just about sustain this on my salary although he does earn 3 times as much as me. I haven't quite worked out re DC access. Likely to begin with he can come to home and spend time with them. He won't have a place for a while and definitely not one large enough for them to stay over. But good questions and something we need to discuss once I am a bit calmer and not going to throttle him.

Once he's made a decision to leave in his head you and him are now history. He won't consider your feelings anymore and it's bloody hard to come to terms with that. He will already be having a full blown affair and in the throws of first love with OW. If she is a lot younger it probably won't last. She'll get tired of him and ditch him at some point but he knows that and was still willing to risk what you had together. Don't beg him to stay or let him see how hurt you are. Show him you are strong. I'd be asking him to move out and redecorating your bedroom. Make it your bedroom now. He will have to pay CSM for your DC. I would advise you to divorce him rather than let him divorce you. Firstly it will help your self esteem and recovery and secondly you will control timescales. Get a STI test. Decide what you want and book an appointment with a solicitor.

Thus happened to me 3 months ago. He is now living with OW who is 13 years younger apparently having a great time. Sees kids at his mum's. He has abdicated all responsibility and is Disney dad. It is absolutely soul destroying and I am massively struggling but trying to move forward slowly. It's sad how they just throw away their families for instant gratification which may or may not last.

I went through this and tried for a couple of years but actually you'd realise the trust has gone. You'd always wonder where he'd been. Eventually I found photos on his phone and realised they were still in touch. I said enough was enough. We agreed to remain amicable because of the children and now we're both happy with other people. You have to know your worth and as much as it hurts you deserve someone who puts you first. I'm happier than I've ever been and now realise it's for the best. Children see us getting along and they've been great. Don't settle...I wish you strength because it's not easy.

Of course you deserve better but this won't change while he has this other women living in his head and his balls.
Nothing you do will make anything change.
If I were you I would disengage from him without being hostile for the sake of your children. He is a fool - thinks he is missing out on something when he actually had something worthwhile and chose to turn his back on it.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. Concentrate on your children and yourself and leave him to it. He is the loser here.

Focus on the future, OP. You will be happy in your own home, your DC will be grown up and off your hands, and you will be enjoying life, with or without a new partner. Meanwhile, your idiot ex will be up to his ears in nappies, screaming babies and sleepless nights all over again, once his younger woman gets broody.

That sounds terrible for you OP. He made promises to you. The least he should do is to put a bit more effort into resisting those MLC urges. It's so sad that he thinks his problems can be resolved by looking outside of the family unit when, if he put a bit of work in, he could resolve his problems from within the family unit. By leaving, he's creating problems for you, his dc, and probably extended family and friends.

These men are so short sighted. If they do stick with the younger woman, inevitably the trajectory will be marriage and more children. At which point they will find themselves in exactly the same life situation, missing fun and excitement, but just with double the financial responsibilities. Or as a friend puts it, same problems, different people.

Crosspost @Babdoc

Another one? Wise posters above.
He is chasing something he won't find.
What will find him is loneliness, frailty and regret at his selfish idiocy in middle age.

As a PP said. Younger woman, inevitably they want family eventually. Either it ends them or they end up with double the problems and older to boot. So stupid. His loss, you can go on without those troubles. It's hard right now obviously, lots of grief and loss. You can do this, it will get better, you didn't trash it all, you tried, there's no shame in that.

Completely agree with this. MLC men thinking the grass is greener. It rarely is. Mine left 9 months ago now and is living it up at his mum and dads. 3 kids and 24 years of marriage suddenly wasn’t for him anymore. A sad and selfish (and ultimately unhappy) individual.

Thank you all for your sensible, powerful and encouraging messages. Yesterday sucked. But today is a new day and I am strong and will not be broken by this. I do truly believe in what will be will be and that everything happens for a reason - and the reason will become clear at some point. I am not even angry. Just resigned and a little relieved. In the meantime, therapy shopping and memory making with DC. Sending love to all that have been - or are currently in - the same boat. We got this!!

I admire your courage and positive attitude. You're a great
model for others.

Wishing you all the best going forward, OP
Sometimes I think it'd be good to show these threads to these dickhead husbands.... a sort of "told you so" in advance for what lies ahead

Good for you. Remember - the best revenge is a life well lived. You'll get through this and come out the other side stronger and more confident. Good luck!

Wishing you well. You have the strength and resources to get through this. Once the fun friend gets a bit routine he’ll regret imploding his family xxx

OP, you need to go to the Chumplady website. It'll help you clear your mind and get through this. Wishing you all the best, it truly sucks but you will get through it, I promise.

Didnt read anyone else's comments but been on the other side of similar story and all I can ask is that you try not to feel bitter and regret all those great years together. Surely he isnt happy with split but is being brave to give you both a chance to be happier with or without a new partner. Kids will be ok and have a good example of a mature split if you talk things through, its hardly the exception to have divorced parents and your fam will only be broken if you take an angry attitude towards it and pushes him further away. He can remain a friend, you have so much story together and can still build more with kids, shaping into a new relationship. If you still loved him sure it'll hurt and it's super sad and I hope he's gentle and empathetic about it all but he's not being mean or wrong to express how he feels. At least he's not cheating (though I doubt he hasn't been intimate with the yonger girl...) and is respecting you by leaving.
It'll be a difficult road ahead, but the new normal will slowly arrive and you may enjoy your freedom, maybe live another teenage romance in the future, experience things you thought were off limits for you were you to remain married.
Dont be afraid. This isnt the end, find support from friends, fam, therapist... whatever you need to get over him without anger or resentment.

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear what you are going through.

You have said you hope to stay in the house but your husband earns 3x what you do. You could see if he will agree to pay the mortgage for the foreseeable future if that works in your favour compared to the amount you would get as maintenance for the kids.

If you divorce and get a financial settlement you might be able to keep the house equity if it is balanced out by releasing a claim to other marital assets such as his pension. Be prepared he might have second thoughts about separating (for the wrong reasons) if he starts to see what a divorce settlement will look like.

It may not feel like it for a while but your family is not broken. You will form a new family unit with your dc. Probably you will be closer to your dc than you would have been. Nothing about my single parent family unit feels broken. I’m a good enough parent on my own and you will be too. A single parent family is still a family. There’s a lot that’s positive about not having to share your home with someone who is selfish and puts their needs above everyone else’s.

Umm…?