It's over after 20 years for what

[spagettinoodlebrain]

I don't even know where to start, 20 years together, 3 beautiful children both have good jobs both work full time. I have done 90% of house and kids because he worked away a lot and just kept to the routine when he was home. But I've always loved him been committed to him and supported him. He told me a few months ago he felt like we were just friends he didn't love me anymore and at one point had feelings for the one female at his work but it never went anywhere. I was beyond devastated I felt like my whole world came crashing down... I knew he was low so booked him appointment at doctors, and paid for us all to have a week abroad all inclusive. I asked him to try and he said he would but he became more distant over the last few weeks, he's supposed to be depressed but went out with work people a lot and not coming home at night. I've carried on loving him, supporting him, telling him whatever I could think of to make him feel better. I bloody brought him a ps5 and a driving game last month cos he said he loved said game as a teen. I can honestly say I've done everything I could and he has not.
So... I phoned him on his way home today asked if he was going to try and I get the usual long pause followed by a pathetic im sorry. I ask again is it over cos he's been dragging it out treating me like crap and finally he said yes it's over.... so that it. I guess I've known for along time. I told him this was no longer his home and he has to move in with his parents. I have set it up so my savings come out the joint account by £2.5k for the next 6 days that's it. I have a very well paid job so can continue to pay mortgage ans bills. Anything else I should do? I feel like I want to make the home as lovely as I can, get the bathroom he started ripping out finished and focus on this. I just need to let it all out as no one IRL knows. I just want my beautiful children to have a few more days where they think everything in their little lives is still normal. I'm feeling strong and the truth is I'm not loosing much, still feel like I've been robbed of 20 years and just cast aside though. I want to channel my anger into something positive. Any stories where you've been though similar and come out the other side better will help! Thanks all

What a twat.
Yes I've been through it and I'm now divorced. I stayed in the family home and have had a good settlement. I also earn well so I'm lucky in that respect.
Go no contact with him apart from about the kids. See a great lawyer and file for divorce straight away. (If you're married)
For me, wedding pics and anything related to my past 14 years had to go. Rings sold, wedding dress sold. Lots of other gifts he bought me when he seemed to care. All profits recycled into nice things for me.
DIY is immensely satisfying. I've built IKEA furniture, BBQ etc. I've hired tradesmen and mechanics for stuff I can't do. I've revelled in the fact he knows I've done all this without even asking him.
I've been a better friend to my female mates and I am never short of social stuff to do. My kids are with me most of the time. It is hard work, unrelenting in fact.
For me I'm happy financially and friend wise. However I can't shake the feeling that I've had my good years with stuff I can't do now. No romantic meals or holidays. Nobody to talk to when kids in bed.
Internet dating is dire.
So in summary, most things are good but personal life is shit and I can't see that changing because I'm not willing to compromise on having 'any man' or an old man that gives me the ick.

Thank you for your reply, you sound fab! I have the urge to put right all the things in the home he should have done now, my ex sounds similar to your ex waste of space! Mine just said he felt trapped... this is by his loving family! Truth is He's lazy, overweight and has no motivation so I'm not sure where he will get in life after this. I'm 40 now and been married 14 years, kids age from 4-13. It's the eldest who this is going to hit the hardest. She's a good kid but has a few friends who are going off the rails, she is clever but also stunning and I worry about her going off with a boy because she was very close to her Dad. Middle DD is on the spectrum and honestly is not bothered by him, it's like she can't lie about him being a great dad when he isn't, she's an amazing kid and again that's his loss. The little one will be sad to start with but soon realise things are not much different. I think after the diy I'm going to get back into the gym and get my teeth fixed, I'm missing a couple at the top near back but I don't smile properly because of it and it's effecting my confidence. Not really thinking about dating again just want to feel good about myself. Is your ex committed to seeing your kids? Im really glad to hear your reconnecting with friends, I hope I can aswell x

Following this, with my H for 13 years, married 4, he left 2 weeks before 4th wedding anniversary after 8 months of him swapping and changing his mind about whether he wanted to be with me, every time I suggested a way for him to leave, he’d have a panic and tell me it was the ‘situation’ he wanted to end, not the marriage. Was still telling me he loved me 2 days before he left. Now he’s holed up at his mums, I’m on the floor with my MH after 8 months of not having a clue what’s going on and our 20 yr old is having to cope with her family falling apart.

Now he’s blocked me completely, I have no method of contacting him even though I’ve been left with a huge house to look after and our DD’s emotions. Feel as though I’ve given 13 years of my life to someone and his family and now it’s as though I never existed - we had some wonderful times, it’s as though they turns even happen!

Do be aware that he might, and can, ask for 50% custody, and of course you'll have to buy him out of the house.

Bitterness and hurt is understandable, but remember it wasn't a waste of 20 years as you have your lovely children. Don't demonise your ex to them, or allow them to either in some sort of solidarity with you.

Unfortunately I think that this is pretty common. I've noticed that a lot of people who get together when they're fairly young tend to split in their 40s.

I guess that you change a lot as person as you mature, and no longer want the same things that your 20-something year old self did. It's very common for couples to grow apart.

It's shit, but I don't think that he's necessarily a twat for leaving. Once someone decides that they no longer love you, you can't change their mind. He could have decided to stay, and try to make things work for the kids, but it wouldn't be any good for you. You would hurt every day, because you are with a man who doesn't love you, and you would feel it. It's better that he goes.

You sound so lovely and caring @spagettinoodlebrain , he doesn’t deserve you. I came out of a 13 year marriage and it’s so difficult to start with but it does get better. You will be fine, you’ll find strength you didn’t know you had and you will emerge stronger. 💐

Don't be surprised when he comes crawling back after the OW loses interest. I hope you laugh in his face.

Sending many thoughts in solidarity. I've just written a similar thread. Feeling so angry and hurt. But I also whole-heartedly believe that we are so much stronger than we (and they!) think and we will come out as better and happier people once we get through this.
I am reading Get Divorced, Be Happy by Helen Thorn. Go read it. She will make you feel better. The Divorce Podcast is also really helpful.

I was in the same position as you op. He immediately started dating the work colleague so everything fell into place. It is very tough emotionally but I was just glad I was ok financially and dc were all independent.

Quite quickly, I got the divorce ball rolling and got the house and my routines exactly how I wanted them. I enjoyed not cleaning up after him or cooking him meals or watching his awful tv programmes.

The dc rallied to me and we are all still very close but I have built a strong friendship group too and keep busy.

It was satisfying when he started asking to come home and I can't help but enjoy that he's aging terribly, can no longer blame me for him being fat (said I cooked unhealthy food even though me and dc are all slim) and his relationship ended. He has had lots of gfs since then but none have lasted.

Divorce him immediately. Don't take him back when he comes crawling after an argument with the OW. He'll only be doing it to check that he still can.

Have zero contact with him other than child sharing arrangements. Get a plan for that worked out asap and let the kids know what's going on. Their world isn't ending, it's just changing. Stop saying things like "a wasted 20 years", that means that all of their lives were just a waste.

Sell the PlayStation and all the other shit you tried to buy his love with. Know that you'll have a range of emotions but that in the end it'll be better than before

Yep! I hear ya! I'm having a bad day today trembling whilst trying to pretend things are normal. Tried to call him as he was driving into work and he cancelled the calls. I'm raging with him and taking it out on my mum and sister who are trying to help. I don't want anyone's pity! I spoke to his mum who is on the middle of all this she is obviously biased and it hurt her questions to me! He needs to sort something out about seeing the kids and if he is going to give me money for the children or make me go through CMS. He's in 70k so will be a fair chunk about 1k a month.