Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I really want to end things but I don't know how

16 replies

busybreeze · 02/06/2023 21:55

Been with husband 21 years and we have 1 ds who is 10 years old. Husband been up and down with depression but refuses medical help and manages it with a healthy diet, altho drinks beers every evening that he's not at work. However, I think he is just a glass half empty kind of guy. Constantly rants about politics and world news with nothing much upbeat to ever say. He's constantly immersed in conspiracy theories from social media and is always harping on about it and gets cross if I don't engage or show that I believe in it too or if I don't act interested enough. I find myself swerving family and social occasions because I'm not comfortable with misery guts in social occasions and I recognise this prevents me having true and proper relationships. (I worry I'll regret this so much in future). He'll get irate at the slightest things. Often about money, bills, food in the fridge; home improvement ideas or news stories or his opinions on general things. God forbid f I ever try to disagree on anything or put a differentopinion across. He's not physically aggressive but i think he would be if i argued back or tried to make my point, but I don't because I'm constantly trying to keep things ok for my ds. He has pushed me and thrown things in the past but not so much now because i don't stand up to him as I try to minimise his escalating temper for my ds. He's very quick to raise his voice and shout at me and is just unable to have a conversation without losing his temper and shouting. Literally everything is my fault! He is so volatile! I feel so much hatred from him but there seems no real reason. I have kept on staying for my ds sake. Ds is an only child, multiple learning difficulties which is a constant worry. He loves his dad, but he has said to me, daddy is not very nice to you which is heartbreaking and true. There is no love, thoughtfulness or kindness in the relationship, its just dead and its awful! Its like he can't see past himself, his feelings, his wants, his likes, his needs in absolutely everything! It feels like i'm just living with a horrible pig! But I think if I did say I wanted us to split he would threaten suicide as he said that once before when I suggested we couldn't carry on like we were. The only saving is he works nights and I work days so there's lots of time that we are not around each other but he works 4 on 4 off so there's still lots of days where he is around. Husband has no family in the area, low income job, no savings. Where would he go? We have a mortgage home together. I don't want to go and live with my elderly parents, although they do live nearby. But at the same time I so want to leave this miserable situation, but it feels impossible financially. How do I even begin to go about it unless I just walk out and go to my mum and dad's? They don't know how I'm feeling but they wouldn't be shocked if I told them. I don't think they're very keen on him anyway. Then there's ds, this is his home with friends on the street and school around the corner. We live in quite a remote countryside area so housing and jobs are limited. My job at the moment is a short walk from our home in the village. I so want to go but I don't know how? It almost seems easier to suffer the daily grind of misery than to navigate getting out of this as I don't think either of us can financially survive outside the current set up.

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 03/06/2023 01:24

I have only just read this and i am sorry you have had no replies. In all honesty I would take yourself and son to your parents' home. If you need to retrieve more belongings the Police or Womens' Refuge worker may assist. The only downside is you will be located close to him and a refuge may be a better option. You should then contactvsocial services (who can provide Housing with a report on your situation) Refuge workers can also assist. Good luck. Just do it xx

HyperionWarbonnet · 03/06/2023 01:30

The first thing you need to do is get legal advice from a couple if not three solicitors.

Knowledge is power. At the moment you are in the dark. Get advice and a way out will present itself.

Take care though. Abusive men escalate when they have the skids under them.

Justaguy64 · 03/06/2023 03:41

I'm so sorry you have to suffer this. I'm a 59 year old man and I know my wife wouldn't tolerate such behaviour from me. Life is short. Shorter than you think. It's not 'easier to suffer the daily grind'. That is with you for LIFE. Leaving and going through the discomfort of moving, resettling, etc etc, is TEMPORARY.

You clearly don't love him anymore.

Don't waste anymore of your limited time on this Earth being in a relationship where you aren't loved and often treated like shit. There are many decent men out there who will love you for who you are. I hope you find the courage to make the change. I'm in a similar-ish situation but I can't see an easy way out. You have the opportunity. Good luck. I wish you find happiness.

seven201 · 03/06/2023 09:54

I don't have any practical advice but I really think you need to go too. Be strong. It will be a better life for you and your son.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/06/2023 10:25

What do you get out of this relationship now?. It must be something so what is it?.

Your H has more red flags present than are seen at a Communist Party Committee meeting. I guess it was his idea in the main for you all to live so rurally; ideal for him to keep you trapped and away from your own support network.

Your son is correct; his father is not nice to you at all. Infact he is yours (and in turn your son's) abuser. Pushing you and throwing things are example of domestic violence; were you aware of this?.

Your big mistake here has been to at all stay for the sake of your child; whose sake have you really stayed for?. Its more likely your own because you've found it "easier"; its not been for your son at all.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and a couple of firms of Solicitors in the nearest town and from that plan your exit to rebuild your lives without him in it day to day. No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable ultimately.

theansweris42 · 03/06/2023 10:30

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. You and DS are a team and you'll find a way to separate from H.

He's emotionally abusive, volatile so that you are in physical danger as is DS.
You life will improve immeasurably once you are both away from him.
You feel trapped, as if to seperate is impossible but this is because he's ground you down and sapped your strength.

First gather information as PP said.
Legal advice from a couple of solicitors who offer 30 mins free.

Think about the money situation - could you afford your house alone?
If not but you want to stay could you find a source of cash - a lodger?

I see that alternative accommodation isn’t plentiful but look into that as well. Could you rent for you and DS while the house is sold, if selling is needed?

Google benefits information, what extra might you get as a lone parent? If not already done, consider any support available for DS with his SN, would you qualify for DLA?

Ring Womens Aid. They have knowledge and expertise and will support you in planning next steps. You are at risk.

You might consider moving to your parents with DS for a while or even just for a short break from H if moving out seems too much just now.

Trust yourself. You know best how to keep DS and yourself, safe.

There are lots of posters who will be along who have more practical knowledge and advice.

Sending you strength, this is a turning point now for you. You can be free.

Thelnebriati · 03/06/2023 10:31

The safest thing to do is to work out your exit strategy in advance, plan to leave and do as much of the practical stuff as you can before you tell him.
Women's Aid can help you plan that. Contact them and ask for help and support;
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

This site is for the US but most of the advice is still helpful;
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

I don't know how tech savvy you are but it would be a good idea to get some training with that. Be careful to clean your browser history every time you search, including when you use Mumsnet, so your husband can't see what you are reading.

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Gymmum82 · 03/06/2023 10:36

Can you afford to buy him out of the house? As for where he would go that isn’t your problem.
If he threatens to kill himself don’t engage. It’s emotional manipulation. He won’t actually go through with it.
I would actually start standing up to him and if he becomes violent call the police and have him removed from the house. Preferably permanently. He’s keeping you living in fear so you can’t escape him. You can leave him and you and your son will be better off away from him

busybreeze · 03/06/2023 15:12

Thanks for all the advice. It's been a particularly tough week as we've both been off work for 10 days for the school holidays. Thankfully I've got 3 weeks abroad with ds and my parents in the summer holidays without him. Can't wait for work and school to start again now! I'm just sat upstairs working out my finances...He's been ranting at me today saying the electric has gone up and I need to start paying him more -yet I can see I've been paying half already and he's been benefitting from all the Cost of living payments towards it - but when I've tried to explain I know he's had the payments, he just shouts is way out of it, so it's not worth continuing to try and put my point across. As usual! (We used to have joint finances but I managed to start a separate things last year in preparation to leave) I feel so down and very withdrawn that I'm struggling to hide it so he's ranting saying I'm sulking and miserable and acting like a victim. His way of thinking that's how he can force me to start being all cheerful after his ranting episode. Anyway I'll pick myself up and go and sit in the garden to appease him, tricky tho cos I've go this numb withdrawn feeling cos he's been so horrible again this morning. Hope I can hide it under my sunglasses.
Ideally it would be so much easier to wait another 18 months until DS settles into secondary school and I could move to the town near that school and get a job with more hours and rent a flat until the house sells. I think I might be able to afford a little terrace in the town if we sold this house. Eugh.. but can I stick this out till then, I don't know? So much to think about but I know I've absolutely got to get out of this relationship. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him.
There are bits I want to finish on the house to get it ready to sell as I'll need thd best price for it. In the meantime I'm going to seek comfort in organising my things, clearing out cupboards and generally preparing to go... Then I'll just go! I know it'll be too messy and horrible if I try to make him leave so I'm going to have to be the one that goes and then give him time to sort his own life out and find somewhere to go so we can then put the house on the market. I'm going to confide in my mum on our holiday. I know she'll not be surprised. My dad always feels he does nothing for me, shows no kindness and thinks I have to be responsible for far too much in our relationship and life. I need to learn to start being open and honest and comfortable in disclosing how my life actually is rather than painting a smile on my face and pretending everything is OK.

Anyway gotta go but thanks again for all your support on this thread. It really helps and I'm hoping I'll build the courage and ability to leave ASAP.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 03/06/2023 15:16

What is the set up of the house? Can you move into a different room and kind of start living separate lives? You have the advantage of different shifts and can find ways to minimize the time you are there together. Can you create more of your own life without him? Join things, go out more, spend more time at your parents etc?

Seaoftroubles · 03/06/2023 16:44

He is abusive and you need to leave. You've had some great advice on here so don't delay in starting to plan your exit strategy. Begin by contacting a solicitor for advice and by speaking to Womens Aid if you need help leaving. Do share your worries with your Mum and if need be you and your son can always go to your parents whilst you plan for your future without him.

NeverendingCircus · 03/06/2023 17:02

It sounds like you need to leave. His unwillingness to take proper responsibility for his MH issues and his conspiracy theories are not good for your DS.

It may sound callous but please don't in any way feel responsible if he threatens suicide. Tell him, if you are feeling that way, you need to get proper medical support. Your mental health is your responsibility and not dependent on me staying in our marriage. You threatening suicide makes me more certain that I need to protect our son from the extremes of your mood swings.

busybreeze · 02/07/2023 00:37

Well its been a little while since my post. Homelife has been OK/bearable..... since my last post, but today he was working and I went out with my family for a birthday celebration. I basically had quite a bit of wine and told my mum in a quiet corner how it is. Not the very details, but in a nutshell I explained my predicament. I knew she wouldn't be surprised, and yeah she wasn't sad to hear it either, but it was like a weight lifted! Feels like a starting point now I've opened up and talked and said it to her. I feel its OK. I think ive got the courage.... and my next move once prepared seems more possible

OP posts:
BusyInTheGarden · 02/07/2023 01:31

Good luck!

SunflowerTed · 02/07/2023 08:56

Well done you for confiding in your mum. I wish you well. Your plan about moving out and renting seems the safest option. He’s dangerous! Tread carefully and keep us updated on you and your sons escape xxxx

Seaoftroubles · 02/07/2023 09:21

Good luck O.P! So glad you confided in your Mum, with her support you can do this and have a new and much happier life. Do it for your son as well as yourself, he will thank you for it as has already noticed how badly his father treats you. Wishing you all the best.x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page