If you're the scapegoat what's your relationship with golden child?

[DuchyCazalet]

Struggling with this at the moment. Dbro is the golden child. DM is strangely obsessed with him even though he treats her rudely. Her elevating him to diety status only enables this behaviour. The whole dynamic is skewed. My relationship with him was close years ago but I'm really struggling now. I also think that he's quite happy to stir the situation up. Feel like I can't have a relationship with him without her sticking her oar in. She has an expectation that I treat him like the god she seems to think he is and overlook any rudeness he shows me. He doesn't live close to me/her so that makes things easier in one way.
Seems that very low contact with both is the way to go. I know that for some who have the golden child status it can be a burden but he seems to accept it as his right and it's led to him being obnoxious but at times he can be really good fun.
Just needing a vent and hoping to hear from others so that I know I'm not alone.

Oh I am the scapegoat in my family but its my daughter that is the golden child, that is only since my DB grew up and had his own life. But yeah my DM is the one who is actively triangulating everyone, not sure she knows what that is, or what she is going but its tiresome. It has left the family dynamic dysfunctional.

Being the scapegoat, well its almost like a full time job because you never know which version of your DM you are going to get. I dont have a great relationship with my DB but that is merely down to me having lived abroad most of his adulthood although I have moved back to home shores. I am not sure there is a solution. Low contact and grey rock is something that I am having to do, and it goes against my nature.

Difficult unless he needs something.

It's complicated. I have a Golden Brother and a Golden Sister. I'm the scapegoat-cum-caretaker, and the other brother's the Sweet One. GB and I have both done some therapy - me more than him, but he stopped doing the 'witty' put-downs of his own accord. It's a good relationship, though no longer as close as we used to be.

As my therapy went on, we were all in early middle age. I gave up my caretaking duties and showed anger when the family jokes revolved around my perceived faults. This rattled everyone. I had a few long heart-to-hearts with my mother about my childhood: it was difficult. I felt better about telling her how it was for me, and some of the long-term effects. I don't blame her as such; what's the point?

My sister, however, has become very bitter towards me. I can only suppose she feels I'm betraying her by not putting myself out for her - I'll never know, as she now treats me like poison! She has a problematic marriage, for which she seems to blame me and probably thinks I made Russia invade Ukraine as well as releasing the Covid virus. She's the most entitled of us, getting furious at thoughts of not inheriting more than the others from Mum. There isn't much to inherit, anyway; she's persuaded Mum to give her power of attorney, so I imagine she'll get her wish.

Families are odd, aren't they? You can't take away the childhoods we all shared, there is no-one else we know in the same way. But that same history can create deep emotional channels that simply wouldn't make sense in any other adult relationships.

Can you discuss any of this with your brother and mother, even superficially?

I was the scapegoat in the family. Sister the golden child. She treated everyone appallingly but parents were too frightened of the consequences to challenge her. They challenged me instead.
Her behaviour was apparently my fault. Sister didn't go to see them, my fault as I hadn't told her that they'd like to see her (I had). She stole from shops, my bad for pointing out that this wasn't good. And on it went.

My parents are no longer here and I have gone NC with sister. It's blissful.

DS is the scapegoat and our relationship with his toxic sister is non-existent. The only good thing that will come out of MIL dying is that we will never have to see her or her weasel of a husband ever again.

There's two golden children in my family. One, the sister, can't do anything wrong, she's the best at everything she tries, she's the cleverest, she's the one who needs looking after and at the same time the only one who can look after herself, and so on.
The other is a brother and he's basically been allowed to do everything his way and bully everyone around him for 40 years, and the rest of us get told to "don't make him angry, just let it go" when he's behaving like a knobhead toddler.

I don't talk to either of them unless I have to.

Wow , this could be me . My brother went no contact so my DM replaced him with my DD. They both loved every minute of it . DM has now died so it has come to a stop but have had to go low contact with DD .

We are good - now. I was scapegoat and sis was golden child. It impacted our relationship for many many years. Our mum died 3 years ago, dsis and I have reflected hard on our childhood and the dynamics in our family. We know none of it was our fault. We have come to terms with it all, and we have a good relationship now.

You are not alone. My DB isn't rude/nasty but is very, very reserved with me. He did once write me a lengthy email chastising me for "what I'd done to" our parents (I hadn't done anything, apart from deciding that I no longer wanted to go to church regularly) and shuts down any attempts to talk about anything other than inconsequential trivia.

It's very hurtful. Particularly as I don't know precisely what he's been told about things that have happened in life (an element of abuse, sadly). Sometimes I think he sees it, but I can never be sure. He is lauded and can do no wrong. I am sometimes still slapped in public in front of people. I'm 48.

Sadly, the phrase "You know what she's like..." is not unknown to him.

The only thing I've gleaned, apart from sadness (although I get on really well with my SIL and nieces and nephews) is the knowledge that the only thing I can change is how I react to it all. That, at least, I have ownership of. So let it go and just be myself as best as I can be. Vastly easier to say than do, though.

Have you ever come across the Stately Homes threads on here? They are a space for people with challenging family members and the havoc they can wreak. Lots of lovely and wise understanding folk there. Link to the latest one: April 2023 -"Well we took you to Stately Homes" | Mumsnet

Very best wishes to you. x

NC. About 12 years now since he threw his toys out of his pram. Golden boy has started trying to weasel his way in to my adult DC’s life now, which is strange. She’s ignoring. Hah!

I'm in my early 60s. I could say a lot about what my mother did but I'm not sure anyone would really believe me.

Anyway, the good news. I finally had had enough one day. I knew this woman would destroy me and possibly my own DC as well. I cut her off from the DC when they were still young, and I'd advise others to do the same. I encouraged my DC's relationships with their other grandparents and trusted family friends (including the parents of my twatty ExH, because while the ExPiL had feet of clay - don't we all - they weren't weirdly cruel triangulators like my mother).

As a result, the Golden Child brother has been left to deal with my mother in her old age, as I'll have nothing to do with her. He detests me for it. Oh dear, never mind.

Not good. He sees everything through my mother's eyes as does my dad. It's hopeless. The only way to be in my family is to say "ok mum you're without a single flaw and I'm bad, bad and sad".

My brother is angry with me for "upsetting mum". She gave me the silent treatment for 3 years. It beggars belief really.

I was the golden child. My brother, the cause of all evil, apparently, is a lovely bloke and we get on great.

If your relationship with him is difficult, put it down to the two of you being incompatible. The golden child/scapegoat thing makes no difference if you're mates.

One of my sisters was the golden child, I never did anything right from a very early age.
Thankfully, after her behaviour and actions when my parents died, I have had nothing to do with her for the last two and a half years and I will never speak to her again. What transpired after their deaths was appalling.
I don’t miss her one bit.

I'm the youngest of 3. Nr 2 was dad's golden child and mums scapegoat. I never really minded her being the golden child since mum was so awful to her.

Similar in mine. My brother is my mothers favourite as he went to uni, got an amazing job and is doing really well for himself, she likes that she can boast about him. My sister is my fathers favourite, she’s the nasty bully who’s allowed to get away with everything. My parents are the type that think being kind is being weak, they love how nasty she is to people because ‘she’s not afraid to say it as it is’. I don’t talk to either parent or my sister at all now. I don’t really have a relationship with my brother, he is genuinely a good person though so we do keep in contact on birthdays/Xmas etc. We live at opposite ends of the country though and wouldn’t dream of visiting each other 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cut contact with all of them because one sibling would side with parents in verbally attacking me. Easier to never see any of them again.

Distant.

Close but not close at the same time. They know they're the golden child but have never considered their own behaviour as part of this. In spite of some growing up, cutting comments and put downs are still pretty frequent.

Usually, I avoid them - thought we were moving forward in lots of ways as they seemed to make a real effort for a couple of years but have since reverted to type.

All pretty heartbreaking tbh, wondering if I'll ever stop caring.

I think a lot of 'golden children' don't realise what they've got in store inheriting the care of the elderly parents, even the male golden children, as it's only them the parents want.

True, I can't understand why my brother has just supported my mother's delusion that she is without flaw if it had been the other way around, I would have challenged her thinking. He has not done that. I dont know what he'll do when they're immobile and in need of a lot of care. Will he have the nerve to tell me to help him, after he colluded with them scapegoating me and shaming me for just trying to be heard.

My younger brother is the golden child. He's a super overachiever- went to Cambridge/Harvard for STEM courses, never had any uni exam or dissertation results below 85% and usually all in the 90%, on a six figure salary straight out of uni, never needs to apply for jobs as gets headhunted in his field etc etc. And to top it off, he never caused my parents any trouble growing up, was a very easy laid-back kid/teen. I was quite the opposite 😂and can totally see why my parents think he's God-like and I'm the black sheep.

I actually have a great relationship with both my brother and my parents. I'm very proud of him and always brag to everyone about his achievements. I can totally understand why he's the "chosen one". 😄

Don’t have a relationship really. We occasionally see each other at my dad’s were we are civil but that’s as far as it goes. (There’s always other people there as well so I don’t think he’d want to show his true colours).
We have an extremely controlling and manipulative mother but I bore the brunt of it whilst he was free to do his own thing, but telling me I was selfish if I complained. I went no contact with my mum years ago and I believe she then started to treat him as I’d been treated and he doesn’t like it. (I suspect he thinks I should pick up that poisoned chalice again).

My dh is the scapegoat. Both of his siblings are golden children, one more so than the other. We are NC with one of them, trying to maintain a relationship was just too stressful. Have very limited contact with his other sibling, I would describe the relationship as superficial and sporadic. Limited contact with MIL also and very firm boundaries that have to be constantly reinforced.
It took a long time to realise that unfortunately this is the limit on the amount of time we can healthily give to these relationships.

NC with my golden child sister. My “mother” is a total narc and my sister is just like her. They are/were Verbally abusive towards me, but somehow the victim of me (I’ve done nothing apart from walk away from them), they believe they are perfect and are both very, very entitled. They think it’s their right to destroy my self-worth and I’m evil for not wanting to be around it anymore. They are also both money obsessed.
I hate my sister. I’m hoping I never see her again. The problem is she enjoys being the golden child and lacks empathy and compassion.

Agreed, but I know in my case he’ll dress up his hatred for me as for upsetting our mum by going no contact whereas it’s really because he’s now having to do all the donkey work. (Which does make me smile - silver linings and all).