Can't say this to anyone re sister leaving abusive marriage

[Keitharingsbitch]

My sister and I are close. She is in the process of seperating from her husband. He's moving out and in the process of buying a house.

I absolutely fucking hate I'm and have never liked him. I could talk for hours about this but basically he's controlling and now has become verbally abusive / gaslighting. He meets all of the criteria suggested for coercive control. But has never been physically abusive.

I'm delighted my sister is seperating from him and I've been the practically and emotionally. But I'm absolutely exhausted too. Just from the emotional toll whole also managing staying mentally well (ongoing anti anxiety) a huge workload and house move, other life stuff.

Obviously she is my priority and I feel like a dick saying it. I'd drop all my other stuff to support her, I've offered for her and kids to live with me etc. But the guilt of feeling so burnt out from the support is hard. Because I'm not the one being abused. I would never dlsay this to her or anyone else and I'm not claiming my experience is anything like hers.

Like I'm at work today and she's messaging about the awful stuff he's said today and I just want to cry. I feel like I'm pouring from an empty cup in terms of support.

Has anyone else felt like this when supporting others with difficult stuff?

Make sure practice some self-care while this is happening. Do you have someone you can offload to?

I've got a partner and we've been together for a long time. I'm on my period and I don't know why but today just feels like it's getting on top of me. Then I feel awful because why should I feel rubbish when she's going through all this?

This type of abuse will never solely just affect the spouse. This will spill over to the family so of course you are worn out, and you should not feel guilty. That is normal. It sounds like you really have been a pillar so its important that you take care of yourself too.

Is she in touch with woman’s aid, is she having counselling? She needs someone else to offload to. You need to be kinder to yourself. Put your phone on silent or mute her so that you don’t get interrupted and notified all of the time.

This is the problem with instant messages, you get no down time. You don’t have to have the same experience, supporting someone is exhausting. If you can’t go the whole hog and be honest with her then try starting with saying you won’t be reading / answering during work time, tea time, kids bedtime etc.

She has been in touch with our local domestic abuse service. Honestly though even though we are both educated women I our 30s I think the idea that it is actually abuse is just fully landing now. Which is wild because she knows abuse isn't just hitting. But I think when it happens to you it's different.

I honestly wouldn't be comfortable putting those restrictions in place. So that even more makes me feel like I shouldn't complain. Like if I'm not prepared to do anything about it. But I'd rather take the pressure in me than make anything worse for her by not sharing.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this and how you're feeling is completely normal.

Just think there is a light at the end of the tunnel and she's getting out of it slowly, it won't be long until she's free of him for good.

Well done for being such a supportive sister, try and take some time out for yourself it sounds like you need a little break.

If it helps, I’m in your sister’s position and have been offloading to a variety of friends - I know they’re finding me hard going but their listening ear is invaluable and is getting me through this - I’m hoping I won’t feel like this forever and hopefully your sister won’t either. I know it’s hard going for you, could your sister maybe find another source of support so that you can share the load?

I 100% understand. At various times, dh and I have had to pull back a little from SIL which has been horrible but for our own mental health... in her case, it was when it was relentless and his abuse and control and gas lighting were off the charts but she was still unable to see how bad it is/was.

I completely agree that it's not just her who has been part of this abusive relationship. This week DH and I are in a situation where exBIL has managed to pull a blinder in an attempt to reel us back in/find another weapon to beat SIL with and I am exhausted from it. I can't even talk yo DH about it because I am scared that exBIL's tactic has either worked on him (bad) or that he is as angry as me and we will fire each other up too much.