Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop feeling like I'm not good enough

15 replies

Blushingm · 02/06/2023 11:18

I constantly feel like DP is settling by being with me......I can't help comparing myself to his ex and seeing all the ways she is better than me. I feel like I'm an embarrassment and people see us and wonder what on earth he's doing with me. It's a horrible feeling and I hate it

OP posts:
CurlyQueues · 02/06/2023 11:22

How did you feel before you met him?

Have you felt like this from the very start or has it grown as your relationship has developed?

Can you pinpoint anything in particular that makes you feel this way?

mug2018 · 02/06/2023 11:23

What has your DP specifically done or said to make you feel this way?
Or, is it a case that you are trawling social media and comparing yourself to her .. if the later, you need to come off social media and remind yourself of your qualities and the ways your DP show their love for you.
Try and leave the past where it belongs

Okshacky · 02/06/2023 11:23

What do you really know about her?

Original poster
Blushingm · 02/06/2023 11:36

@CurlyQueues I think I felt like I'd be lucky if anyone decent would ever be interested in me. He has a lot going for him but I don't feel I offer him anything very much......I can't pinpoint any event that's made me feel like this

@mug2018 he's not said or done anything in particular. I've mentioned to him that I don't feel I'm good enough. His reply was I make him happy and I shouldn't compare myself or worry what other people think. He said he'd only listen to 2 of his closest friends as they'd be honest, I've met them both and they've told him they think I'm lovely and they're happy for him (he even showed me a message from one of them)

@Okshacky I don't know much about her if I'm honest. I know she's tall and was a ballet dancer so is slender (which I'm not!) she has long hair (which he likes on women) and that she's super intelligent as she's a law professor. They met in their first week of university and stayed together over 20 years

OP posts:
Okshacky · 02/06/2023 11:38

Nobody cares how thin anyone else is. Have you EVER chosen a friend based on fatness, ballet dancing or legal acumen??? I mean really?

AllThatTwitters · 02/06/2023 11:43

A ballet dancing legal professor….she’s probably a pain in the arse 😂. It is absolutely no matter what a perfect person she is, she wasn’t perfect for him.

CurlyQueues · 02/06/2023 11:44

He has a lot going for him but I don't feel I offer him anything very much

What sort of thing do you think you could be offering him? You make him happy and his friends think you're lovely and are happy for him. Have a listen to Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel.

And your partner is right, don't compare - it's the thief of joy!

Flowers
mug2018 · 02/06/2023 11:46

You need to remind yourself of all your great qualities and not compare yourself to anybody else.
He's told you that you make him happy so look forward not back.
People can look pretty, be smart or successful but that doesn't always equate to being a nice or beautiful person.
Try and feel confident in yourself as a person.
Talk to your partner about how you feel in your relationship & I'm sure he'll remind you of all that he values in the relationship that you both have.
Whether it's compatibility, communication or that you make him feel valued, that can be way more valuable than having long hair, being slim or successful

mug2018 · 02/06/2023 11:48

@CurlyQueues .. well said, definitely the thief of joy

@AllThatTwitters 🤣🤣 I too thought that the ballet dancing lawyer sounded proper high maintenance 😣🤣

perfectcolourfound · 02/06/2023 12:56

Can you turn this around and look at what you are saying about your DP?

You're saying that either he's lying to you about loving you, OR he thinks he loves you but doesn't know his own mind - ie he's wrong.

He's told you he wants to be with you and you make him happy. You don't believe him. Is he generally unthruthful? Do you think he doesn't know his own mind?

I had a friend who suffered with similar doubts, Her DP was devoted. In love. She made him happy. Her doubts eventually drive a wedge between them and they separated. Because she wouldn't allow herself just to BE. To enjoy life. To be herself and be loved. So in the end, she did make him really unhappy - but it didn't have to be like that,

If you trust this man, then you need to believe what he says. If you don't trust him, then you shouldn't be with him.

GreyCarpet · 02/06/2023 13:08

He doesn't sound like the sort of man who 'settles' does he?

He didn't settle for his ex with her impressive life CV did he? So why would he have settled for you?

He also doesn't sound like the sort of man who find it too difficult to attract a woman. So why would he have settled for you?

GreyCarpet · 02/06/2023 13:13

I think some of comments about his ex are unnecessary.

It's possible to recognise and encourage the OP to see her worth and value without trying to bring another woman down in the process.

Carrotcake93 · 02/06/2023 16:15

Why do people criticize his ex? What's wrong with studying law or being a dancer? I hate people who assume she's a pain in the ass or a high maintenance person as a way to cheer OP up.

For the rest, I agree that you shouldn't compare yourself. I also went through a similar situation with my ex, it seemed to me that her ex was better than me in everything and it damaged my self-esteem. Over time I got to know her well and although she definitely had many positive things that I didn't, she also had other negative things that made me understand what my boyfriend at the time preferred from me. Just know that he is with you for a reason 😊

AllThatTwitters · 02/06/2023 16:33

Carrotcake93 · 02/06/2023 16:15

Why do people criticize his ex? What's wrong with studying law or being a dancer? I hate people who assume she's a pain in the ass or a high maintenance person as a way to cheer OP up.

For the rest, I agree that you shouldn't compare yourself. I also went through a similar situation with my ex, it seemed to me that her ex was better than me in everything and it damaged my self-esteem. Over time I got to know her well and although she definitely had many positive things that I didn't, she also had other negative things that made me understand what my boyfriend at the time preferred from me. Just know that he is with you for a reason 😊

Strong solidarity with women, good on you, but yet you’ve no problem voicing hatred for two women who were simply being sardonic and a bit giddy.

Original poster
Blushingm · 05/06/2023 18:11

The last thing I want is for me feeling like this to ruin things as I really do love him.

We have a good relationship - haven't ever even had a crossed word. We laugh a lot but support each other when things have got tough in our lives too

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page