To worry I’ll never meet anyone

[florabellax]

I’ve very recently been dumped so I know everything is still raw and I’m probably overthinking everything but I’ve always wanted to settle down, get married, have children and the older I get I just worry more and more that I’ll never meet anyone. I worry that I’ll be stuck being upset and lonely forever and that life is just never going to be how I wanted it to be and I’m just not sure how to be okay and live with that possibility.

I’m 31 so I know technically there is still time to meet someone but I’ve been trying to for over a decade now and I’m no further forward. In fact I’m worse off than I was at 20 because now I’m alone and have anxiety, depression and no self esteem thanks to horrific dating experiences. I know it’s a numbers game and I need to put myself out there but it’s getting harder and harder to dust myself off and put myself back together after each rejection. It’s even worse since turning 30 because EVERYONE feels the need to comment on it and I’m sick of getting the comments from colleagues and friends and family telling me I need to hurry up and find someone, asking why I’m still single and telling me my biological clock is ticking.

I look at my circle of friends and it just seems to be so easy for them. 2 of them married their high school sweethearts, 1 of them met the love of their life in Aldi of all places and the other 3 met their significant others the first time they tried online dating. All are now engaged/married with children or babies on the way. I know life isn’t always what you see from the outside and they obviously have their own ups and downs but they just seem to be able to achieve their dreams so easily and it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me and why I’m such a failure that I can’t get that for myself.

I don’t think I’m a terrible person, I’m kind, respectful, considerate. I have my own place and a reasonable job. I make an effort with my appearance although I am a bit overweight still but I’m working on that- currently 40lb down and now a size 16. I was previously a size 20 before this so maybe it’s how I look. Other than that, I genuinely don’t know what is inherently wrong with me that makes me not enough for anyone and if I don’t know what it is I can’t change anything.

I’ve tried online dating, speed dating, blind dates, getting involved in various hobbies and I’ve only had 3 longish term relationships. One ended because he cheated, another because he didn’t want children and I did and most recently because he needed to focus on himself. I seem to be a stopgap for men until they find something better.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this really. I can’t talk to my friends. They’re lovely don’t get me wrong but they just don’t understand how I’m feeling. Im open to hearing any words of wisdoms, success stories, advice at this point!

Firstly you need to stop comparing yourself to everyone else, everyone else's lives always seem perfect in comparison. Next I would actually take a break from dating for yourself - focus on yourself, take the time to do things that you like maybe a new hobby. It can be depressing when you are focusing all your time on finding 'the one' and really you need to love yourself first and don't just settle for someone. You need to know your self worth and that is NOT to be second best. When you are ready maybe start the online dating again but sometimes love does just happen. I suggested a new hobby as you might find like minded people and already have something in common but taking away from the pressure of dating. Wishing you the best. Ohh and tell everyone else to bugger off pestering you about your biological clock x

Some of us never meet anyone. You can still buy a house, have children, and even get married (to someone who has also never met anyone and has reached the point where they just want a reliable companion).

It depends whether you’re willing to “settle”. You’re still young enough to have kids, so it’s very possible for you to settle for a 40-ish man who also wants kids, even if you aren’t in love or particularly attracted to each other.

I met and married in my early 30s and have 2 children. I was desperate for children. I completely ignored pretty big red flags. I am now 3 months into him leaving me for a 29 year old after 13 years. I know I ended up with him because I thought I would never meet anyone else and I was independent, successful career wise with my own house etc etc. I don't regret it as have amazing children, but I wish I had just waited for someone who actually appreciated me. I think you have to be truly happy within yourself before you meet someone who deserves you. That's my goal now.

Yes some of us don't meet anyone despite everyone saying they do?! I had done OLD over 5 years.

I'm a solo mother by choice now, and used a sperm donor to conceive, and for me OLD did not produce any viable relationships. I wasn't willing to settle (I was 39 when I conceived and gave birth). It's a different road, but not an inferior one to me. I did have to separate meeting someone and having a child with them Vs the reality of my life, which was not meeting anyone suitable/that I fancied or vice versa, and deciding that I valued more a chance at a family even if on my own than a sub standard partner...

I'm very happy with my choice as I now don't really care whether I meet someone or not - not interested in blending families, or for someone to be a "daddy" to my dc. There is literally no need for any stress any more, and that's what OLD was - an anxiety provoking experience! I've done a bit of OLD here and there since having my DC when I have time but nothing serious. Happy to answer any questions if you have any on solo parenting!

I met my DH when I was 33 having had only one boyfriend previously. I never thought I would fall in love and marry. We married within a year and have 2 kids. Happily married 20+ years now. Try to have a little faith. Relax. Look after yourself. Try to be happy with what you already have, happiness is a very attractive quality. Say yes to invitations and keep busy.

I felt similarly at 31. You need to try and make some more single or child free friends to hang out with (just like new mummies have to do groups to find ppl to spend mat leave with) that will make things like holiday etc more fun you need time to enjoy life in the meantime while also looking for a boyfriend. Say you were guaranteed to meet someone at 37 -you'd feel relaxed and you'd want to have enjoyed your time in the meantime, doing what? Hobbies? Travels? Do them now. This will also make you much more interesting on dates and more resilient if things don't work out.
Also, unless you are prepared to be a single parent, do NOT rush in to having a baby with someone you don't know very well (like I did) just because you're broody. You still have over a decade and you will change and grow a lot. I suggest counselling if you want to explore your relationship patterns, and also read lalalaletmeexplain's book

I do think I need to take some time and focus on myself but then I panic that I don’t actually have the time to do it 😩 I’ve recently been diagnosed with PCOS and every doctor/gynaecologist I speak to tells me I’ll probably have trouble conceiving and it’ll take longer- not what someone wants to hear when they’re already panicking!

I also agree that I need to get out there more and make new single friends etc…it’s just so hard to do that in your 30’s. I’ve recently downloaded Bumble for the BFF version so I’ll give that a whirl!

I definitely don’t want to settle, I’d rather have children alone than settle. This is a route I’ve also been pondering recently but it’s the financial aspect that worries me, I imagine treatment/medication/donor etc… is very expensive and my wage isn’t spreading as far as it used to (cost of living crisis problems!) and I’m saving far less than I was this time 2 years ago. @anthurium i think you’re spot on about separating meeting someone with having children and this is probably something I should look into further. Can I ask, were people quite supportive of you going it alone? Do you have a good support network? I have a very small family so worry this is something I’d lack if I went down that route!

It is hard to make new friends, but you need to be brave - have you been to hens/weddings recently? Were there other nice single girls there that you could befriend? Any nice colleagues your age? Taking in a lodger or moving to a new house share? All these meet people to meet more people are how you make connections to meet new friends (and maybe a new bf!)

Also I think you're way too young to have children alone IF you'd prefer to do with a partner. You should get a fertility check Up though and IF it's declining early for any reasons freeze your eggs

I think that being thinner will expand your potential dating pool, but that having better self-esteem is key. If you are anxious, depressed and have poor self-esteem, that will come across in your interactions with the rest of the world, and when making new friends, or starting to date, people tend to take us at our word initially -- if someone think they're useless and a poor catch, it's going to show.

Give yourself a bit of space to recover from the end of your last relationship, and be kind to yourself.