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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ABIU - anger at DH for his studies

6 replies

T005227fdfd · 02/06/2023 05:49

As a family, we moved abroad several years ago. Both my DH and I work in the same profession and as part of our conditional practitioner's certificate, we had to complete four online courses to become permanent within five years.

I completed my courses last year. Trying to juggle all our house/work/child responsibilities whilst studying was horrid. But, I managed it, and so then it became my DH’s turn. He had to do the same courses as me and by me doing it first he was able to see my assignments and ask for advice which I didn’t get the benefit of.

After I finished I asked my DH to start his course, he put it off saying he wanted to wait until the summer. Once summer came, he said he was having a tough time at work, so he delayed his studies. After trying for a few months calmly, I eventually got fed up and we had an argument about him having a year left to complete his courses. He started and his efforts were intermittent, he would avoid studying and despite encouraging him we got into another massive fight. Without his certification, he cannot be employed and we could not financially cope.

Eventually, DH was able to do his first exam which he failed. We had to foot the cost of the entire course again, delaying his ability to start the next course. DH was able to plead with the professional body to get an extention to his deadline – December this year. I was really upset and we argued again – he promised that his studies would be his number one priority. DH has a habit of helping friends and family for the day and then complaining he is too tired to study.

DH has been making some progress but we are in June and he has only six months left and three out of the four courses yet to complete. He and the kids had Monday off and I went to work. He said he was going to study during the daytime but instead took the kids out to the mall. When I got back from work we had another argument. He says he is being treated like a kid but he doesn’t get any of his studying done without being made too.

AIBU? I am fed up, and emotionally done, I’ve spoken about the consequences of him not finishing his studies but nothing I have done so far has worked and the deadline is not going to get any longer.

OP posts:
TheMooney · 02/06/2023 05:58

You are NABU for being upset, but as you experienced, work plus kids plus study is really really hard, and it sounds like he is really struggling.

Motnight · 02/06/2023 06:11

What does he say that he needs to help him complete his studies? Sounds like he just isn't in the right mental space for it at the moment. It must be frustrating for you.

GoalShooter · 02/06/2023 06:13

YANBU to feel worried and upset. It sounds like he is stressed about not being able to pass the exams (especially after failing one) and is using an ostrich tactic of burying his head in the sand about it. How frustrating for you! I don't know what to suggest. The effort has to come from him, you can't force him to study (as you've already found out).

Would you be able to move back to the UK if he doesn't qualify in time? Do you think that is subconsciously what he wants to happen?

junebirthdaygirl · 02/06/2023 06:28

Sounds like he needs very specific study time with no possible distraction. Is there any courses in your subject that he could attend where he could actually get some study done? Is there a library nearby?
I think you will have to say: I am completely done with this. I am not going to remind you again. If you need help you come to me.
And then mean it!! Having the responsibility put totally on his shoulders might get him going. But l know if it was me l would do anything to dodge those exams so l have a certain amount of sympathy for him.
Also if he is minding the dc there are too many possible distractions. Is there a specific time weekly where he can have no family demands so no excuses.
Does it make a difference to his actual knowledge of how to do the work or just to be recognised in your new country? Big possibility it's not going to get done. Is this going to be major for your family? Mad idea but could you do it if he takes over all family responsibility. I'm presuming there is no life or death issues involved here just the recognised qualification. And that otherwise he is a great dh not a lazy one. He has hit a wall and may never move forward.

Totally well done to you for getting them done.
Not easy with a family and a job.

Valeriekat · 09/06/2023 10:03

He sounds like a lazy waste of space. I would be furious. LTB

TomatoSandwiches · 09/06/2023 10:08

He sounds like dead weight you should probably cut off.

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