To ask for STD test?

[Notsurewhatodohere]

Hello!
I've been out of the dating pool for a decade plus as I was in a difficult marriage which I have now exited. I'm getting my mojo back and am starting to feel more open to the idea of a new relationship. I recently met someone through work who seems interested and interesting. I feel like he may ask me out on a date soon. My question is at what point in a new relationship is it appropriate / acceptable to suggest that both parties do a STD test? At the moment I feel that I wouldn't want to get physically involved with anyone without us both getting tested (this includes kissing as well as the rest) but I'm not sure how to navigate this. Do you wait until someone tries to kiss you and then talk about it (that sounds very awkward) or do you talk about the fact that you're both feeling like it's more than a friendship then ask if they are ok to do the test before taking the plunge. I realise this is not how most relationships start and not that romantic but as both of us are in our late 40s it's likely we've had a fair few previous relationships and I don't want to be blinkered about the risks of STDs. I have no problem getting tested myself so it's not like it would be just them doing it. What do you think?

If someone asked me to take an STD test to kiss me I’d run a mile as quickly as I could! That is way to OTT.
Honestly I’d only consider doing one if I was thing of having sex with someone without protection. So it’s at that point I would discuss it.

This. Imagine being in the moment and going in for a kiss only to be stopped and demanded to take std tests first. I'd be mortified

I agree with @Idontgiveagriffindamn .

If you're worried, I think the most common way of approaching it is to keep it simple for however long you want, e.g. kissing, petting etc. Then subtly asking about most recent activity to gauge likelihood of issues. The "have you been dating much... when was the last time you were 'with' someone?" sorts of questions.

You can obviously in the meantime practice safe sex, but let's face it, oral is never practiced safely (dental dams and condoms), so there will always be a risk there. I'd actually bet there isn't anyone that's actually used a dental dam in here!

Then broach the subject of wanting to be more serious under the condition of certification (not phrased like that obviously!). If he's a decent guy, he'll understand.

Yes that's what I'm worried about it would be a passion killer and might well scare someone off but although it's low risk for the scariest STDs it's not risk free https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/stds/can-you-get-stds-from-kissing

Thanks both that sounds reasonable I think I'm probably ok with kissing then. Thank you.

I've always asked before ditching the condoms or when the relationship is official and ongoing.

You can't ask someone to do an std test before they kiss you man. They'll run a mile.

An STD test requested when they try to kiss? 😅😅 I can't see you finding many people willing to do that.

An STI test before kissing?! Don't be daft!

It's sensible to consider tests and protection when you're getting back into dating but this guy hasn't even asked you out yet.

Sorry but that’s OTT and you’ll scare anyone off if you ask for an SDT test before kissing. The right point is when you’re moving towards having sex. Even then I’d be using condoms at first before asking about SDT.

Just practise safe sex.
An STD test prior to kissing? You will be left another 10 years out of the dating pool.

You sound like you want zero risk, which is impossible unless you take sex off the table. If you want a sexual relationship you are going to have to accept some risk, but you can minimise it by using condoms until tested. Even then its not zero, you just have to accept that.

I work in sexual health. The sorts of infections that we would generally test for in asymptomatic people (healthy people who come in for a sexual health check up) are not the sort of things that could be spread by kissing. They are the sorts of things that are spread really only by unprotected oral/vaginal/anal sex. Herpes can be spread by kissing, but we wouldn't test for that and it's unlikely to be something you could catch from someone who didn't have an obvious cold sore on their lip.

I think when the relationship gets to the point that you are thinking about it becoming sexual, then that's a great time to talk about sexual health. Just say that you like to make sure you get tested between partners and you hope that your partner would too, ask if he'd be willing to get tested, and then say you'll share your results when they come in.

On a really practical level, these tests will only show you things that you could pass back and forth having condomless sex (e.g. chlamydia). They won't tell you about things that you can pass back and forth just by skin contact (e.g. herpes and HPV). You can find out if you have HPV by having your cervical smear as everyone gets tested now. We don't routinely test men though, similar with herpes. But at the very least, getting tested means you'll have a bit of reassurance if a condom were to break.

Your best bet though is to use a condom. Because an STI will give you an idea if either of you has an infection from awhile back. But it is still a snapshot in time. There is no guarantee that the results of a test from yesterday will still be accurate today - they could be having sex with someone else at the same time, or they could have tested in the window period and the infection was not yet detectable, but can still be transmitted.

STI testing is really important as part of just keeping up on your sexual health and if you are sexually active and concerned, definitely do it regularly. I think for women and heterosexual men, we recommend about every 6 months. But it isn't going to provide you with the certainty you are after. That comes with putting certain practices in place (using condoms), building trust in your relationship before having sex, and also accepting that you can't always control everything and there is always a bit of risk, even in a long-term relationship.

Thank you so much everyone who has taken the time to reply. I think part of my worry is just general worry about possibly trusting someone again after a really difficult relationship. It's so helpful to have a sanity check and the solid information you provided. I feel better about things now everything you said makes sense.