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Original poster

Hurting over my daughters broken relationship.

20 replies

Anony11 · 01/06/2023 22:12

My daughters partner left her a month ago. She has found out he was cheating with a girl who lives down the road. He has moved in with this girl ( who has a terrible reputation ) and my daughter feels so humiliated and has been so low. He is so heartless and demands to see the children on his terms which is normally for an hour or so a couple of days a week. My daughter works hard and is a great mother to her children but I can see it's hurting her and it's also affecting the children. my oldest granddaughter is 8 and she seems to have become withdrawn and has lost her appetite. She was very close to her dad.
My daughter doesn't want to stop the children having contact with their dad but she feels that it might be doing more harm than good just seeing him for an hour here and there when they are used to him being a hands on dad when he lived at home.
Hes such an immature idiot and has told my daughter he hasn't left the children, he's left her. He's too stupid to see that life is very different for the children because he no longer lives with them.
Do we allow contact or not? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
beccahamlet · 01/06/2023 22:16

You must allow contact. And be as positive as you can about their father. It's important for the children to have a relationship with him, despite him being a complete dick.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 01/06/2023 22:19

You can't stop contact just because they've broken up, no matter how much of a dick you think he's been. He's done nothing wrong to the kids. I'd try and get something set though so everyone knows what's going on.

Theonlywayisup1 · 01/06/2023 22:20

Been there, sadly it naturally fizzled out and my child now has zero contact. Men like this rarely become good fathers, the children will see that for themselves. Maybe let nature run its course here. So sad for your daughter and the kids. Men like this should be prosecuted for abuse and neglect in my eyes, it hurts so many people.

Tots678 · 01/06/2023 22:21

. He's done nothing wrong to the kids.
Walked out on them and only spares an hour to see them

Scousefab · 01/06/2023 22:22

Yes get a routine going for the kids sake! Don’t worry relationship won’t last long and your daughter will have the last laugh. Agree be very positive about father and the kids will remember how grown up Nanny and mummy were! You can slag him off when they are at school. Make sure your daughter gets some time for her does she have any friends she can have a night out with!? Or spa day all good and help out things into perspective.

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 22:23

I’m sorry what do you mean “do we allow contact?” Surely you mean does she? And of course parental alienation and denying contact will cause her a lot of issues further down the line. Whatever goes on with the adults, punishing him by alienating the kids isn’t on. Whatever he’s done, he’s right, he left her, not the kids.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 01/06/2023 22:26

Tots678 · 01/06/2023 22:21

. He's done nothing wrong to the kids.
Walked out on them and only spares an hour to see them

I'm not sticking up for him by saying that but plenty of relationships don't work out. One parent will 'walk out' every time they decide to spit up.

The hour here and there isn't good. That's why I said they need to make a plan. He either sticks to it or he doesn't. But the kids still deserve to see him.

Anaemiafog · 01/06/2023 22:29

There is no 'we' including you.

Original poster
Anony11 · 01/06/2023 22:42

@Anaemiafog Im entitled to support my daughter with decisions when she is feeling vulnerable and low. I have been co parenting since that pig left and therefore there is a 'we'

OP posts:
Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 22:43

Anony11 · 01/06/2023 22:42

@Anaemiafog Im entitled to support my daughter with decisions when she is feeling vulnerable and low. I have been co parenting since that pig left and therefore there is a 'we'

No there is not. It’s fantastic you are supporting her and helping but this is not your decision.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 23:38

Anony11 · 01/06/2023 22:42

@Anaemiafog Im entitled to support my daughter with decisions when she is feeling vulnerable and low. I have been co parenting since that pig left and therefore there is a 'we'

I'm currently living with my mum after my baby's father left me while pregnant. The best was you can support her is

  1. Keep reassuring her she's done nothing wrong and is being a great mum. She will be feeling some guilt to the kids that she couldn't keep their dad around.
  2. Keep your own emotions in check- vent to a friend or colleague but not to her - she does NOT want to worry about your feelings and emotions as well as her own, and she wants to be able to break down and cry with you without worrying she'll upset you.
  3. Advise her to tell him to fix up fixed times in the calendar for contact with the kids with him, to minimize stress. At least for the next couple of weeks in advance.
  4. Advise her to access counselling.
  5. Get onto the child maintenance agency if he's not giving her money to support them.
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 23:38

Oh and

  1. They do have a right to a relationship with their father so you cannot ban contact, however you don't have to agree to him coming and going as he pleases
MintJulia · 01/06/2023 23:55

The children have a right to see their father and it is not your decision to try to stop it. You are not the children's co-parent. You are supportive gran.

You can support your family best by encouraging regular access by the ex. Supporting your dd in getting all the paperwork done (cms etc). By reassuring your dgcs and keeping them in as normal a routine as possible and by maintaining polite contact in front of them.

It's hard but for the children's sake you need calm breezy professionalism. The dgcs are scared they are losing their dad. You acting like you wish him dead will simply frighten them more. I know it's hard.

SunflowerTed · 02/06/2023 00:06

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 22:23

I’m sorry what do you mean “do we allow contact?” Surely you mean does she? And of course parental alienation and denying contact will cause her a lot of issues further down the line. Whatever goes on with the adults, punishing him by alienating the kids isn’t on. Whatever he’s done, he’s right, he left her, not the kids.

This

SunflowerTed · 02/06/2023 00:09

Anony11 · 01/06/2023 22:42

@Anaemiafog Im entitled to support my daughter with decisions when she is feeling vulnerable and low. I have been co parenting since that pig left and therefore there is a 'we'

In the kindest way you are not a co-parent. Also, your bitterness will show in front of the kids. It’s not your decision when your grandkids see their father

MaudGonneOutForChips · 02/06/2023 00:10

Anony11 · 01/06/2023 22:42

@Anaemiafog Im entitled to support my daughter with decisions when she is feeling vulnerable and low. I have been co parenting since that pig left and therefore there is a 'we'

Not your decision.

Daisydu · 02/06/2023 00:18

It’s hard to watch someone you love hurt. And of course you can support her to make the right decisions. Stopping contact isn’t a good idea for the children though. Your daughter should have her own boundaries. He can’t just see them as and when he chooses. She picks some days and times and tells him the kids will be available for him to see at those times. If he can’t stick to it tough; he can go to court. Yes the kids have a right to a relationship with their dad, but your daughter also deserves not to messed about. This way the children also know where they stand.

TheShellBeach · 02/06/2023 00:18

I realize you're upset, OP, but the issue of contact has to be decided and negotiated between the children's parents.

TheShellBeach · 02/06/2023 00:21

And saying that the new girlfriend has a terrible reputation says more about you than it does about her, TBH.

Try not to let the children see your distaste. Alienating them against their dad may backfire on you.

Thisisbollocksmark · 02/06/2023 00:36

It's understandable that you're upset but you are not a parent and decisions about contact have nothing to do with you. If you cause problems and try to stop contact, it could well end up with a nasty and upsetting court case. You'd be told to keep your beak out by any judge too so best do it now.

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