Hi all. Sorry this is long and complicated but I'm desperate for advice.
I've been married for almost 20 years and we have two daughters (8 and 2). Our relationship has always been rocky with lots of ups and downs and we have often thrown around the D word during arguments but never really taken the plunge to actually divorce. Both of us hold a lot of resentment and grudges about the past. Also, both of us have complicated, interfering and admittedly quite unpleasant parents (that we respectively love to bits) that make life more complicated for us.
After our last big argument, I think we have both realised that we don't want to get divorced (mostly because of the kids; neither of us wants to miss any time with the kids) and have decided to give it another go. However, I hold so much resentment about some things that I'm not able to get over with:
Mainly, it's the way dh treated older DD over a period of a few months last year. He was grumpy, short and snappy with her. Nothing extreme but it's just not the kind of atmosphere I want DD to grow up in. I did call him out on it several times when I felt I had to but not every time because then he'd get upset about me undermining him or criticizing his parenting. I felt really helpless as I was busy with the baby and felt I couldn't be there enough for DD1. Anyway, he has really tried since then to change and be more patient, gentler and just kinder with DD but I can't let go of the resentment. He's very hands on and does everything for DD1 but that's another reason why it upset me so much that he wasn't what I thought was kind enough when he spent so much time with her. Till about six months ago he also refused to do much with the baby. He wanted to look after dd1 and wanted me to look after dd2 and I still resent that I barely was given any time with dd1. This has also completely changed. He now does a lot more with dd2 so I get a bit more time with dd1. I also feel bad about some of the clashes he's had with my parents but I can't entirely blame him for those. He's also become extremely negative and spends a lot of time ranting and complaining, which also annoys me especially when he does it in front of the kids.
He's not a bad person. On the contrary. He works very hard, is very hands on with the kids, takes on a lot of the mental labour as well. He's got his faults, but he's caring, helpful, extremely intelligent and capable, which is probably what attracted me to him in the first place. He tries to always do the right thing. He's not a gentle or kind person but he's good, if that makes sense? He's got a non terminal but painful and stressful health condition, which probably causes a lot of his grumpiness and I think I should cut him more slack.
Anyway, we have always made up after every argument but somehow some thing broke last year for me. I can't be loving anymore. I feel so distant from him. We are civil to each other but I don't want him to touch me not even just affectionately or platonically. I shrink away when he tries to hug me. We haven't had sex since dd2 was conceived. I don't want to get divorced but I don't feel much of affection anymore either. Most of all I don't want to deal with this. We co parent well enough and I'm fine with the status quo.
But that isn't fair is it? I can't change our status from being married to just co parenting without telling him, can I? I know I need to talk to him but I don't know what to say or even what I want. I wish we could go back to being a normal couple. I wish I could let go of my resentment and we could be (reasonably) happy with each other.
TLDR:
I hold a lot of resentment but I don't want to separate. I want to go back to wanting to be married to dh. To being a normal family again even if we have our ups and downs. He's changed most of the things I was resentful about but I can't get myself to feel close to him again. Please help me.