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Original poster

Can we be friends

11 replies

wishiwasharrypotter · 31/05/2023 23:10

partner split up with me 3 months ago after 20 years together (we have only been with each other). We have had some very tough times, and we had stopped appreciating each other, I thought that this year was going to be “our year”. We had more time, more money and I hoped we could get back on track. I never once thought about splitting up. He apparently felt massively differently and did not go about it in a very nice way. I am currently doing all childcare while he comes over as and when he can. I know this is wrong but I’m not ready to give up my time with the kids yet and he hasn’t asked to see them on his own.
whilst here he is friendly and sometimes flirty and it feels normal and positive, he messages daily about random things. I have recently found out that he has been out on some dates (same person) and I feel really disrespected as though he couldn’t wait a couple of months for me to move out. He doesn’t understand why I am upset as he has not technically done anything wrong but I am gutted. His action and words contradict each other. He keeps on and on saying he wants us to be good friends and I feel guilty because of the kids but I do t know how much longer I can keep the pretence up. I love him even though he is acting terribly and I don’t think being his friend would be healthy for me. How do I get him to understand without it feeling like it’s my fault our family can do days out together. I’m also very angry at this other woman as who would put themselves into this situation at the moment (presuming he’s told her the truth)
any advice welcome as I don’t know what to feel anymore

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 31/05/2023 23:24

I'm going to say it.
She's probably the reason he left.
It's so true that most men don't give up their family / comfortable life without having a backup in place.
Now he's admitted to having dates with the same person, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd had his head turned then all of a sudden he's not happy 🙄
Protect yourself, don't answer messages unless it directly involves the DC, don't let him use your home to see the DC, he needs to take them elsewhere, it's not your job to facilitate his contact.
He moved out and split up the family, he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases.
He's probably being nice / flirty because now you're his backup if his new girlfriend doesn't work out.
You'll never heal if you let him come and go and receive and reply to his messages.
Cut him off, give yourself some much needed distance, you need the space to get over it.

Wineismybestfriend · 31/05/2023 23:26

Campervangirl · 31/05/2023 23:24

I'm going to say it.
She's probably the reason he left.
It's so true that most men don't give up their family / comfortable life without having a backup in place.
Now he's admitted to having dates with the same person, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd had his head turned then all of a sudden he's not happy 🙄
Protect yourself, don't answer messages unless it directly involves the DC, don't let him use your home to see the DC, he needs to take them elsewhere, it's not your job to facilitate his contact.
He moved out and split up the family, he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases.
He's probably being nice / flirty because now you're his backup if his new girlfriend doesn't work out.
You'll never heal if you let him come and go and receive and reply to his messages.
Cut him off, give yourself some much needed distance, you need the space to get over it.

Yes to all of this! 👏

Unicorn2023 · 31/05/2023 23:42

Campervangirl · 31/05/2023 23:24

I'm going to say it.
She's probably the reason he left.
It's so true that most men don't give up their family / comfortable life without having a backup in place.
Now he's admitted to having dates with the same person, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd had his head turned then all of a sudden he's not happy 🙄
Protect yourself, don't answer messages unless it directly involves the DC, don't let him use your home to see the DC, he needs to take them elsewhere, it's not your job to facilitate his contact.
He moved out and split up the family, he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases.
He's probably being nice / flirty because now you're his backup if his new girlfriend doesn't work out.
You'll never heal if you let him come and go and receive and reply to his messages.
Cut him off, give yourself some much needed distance, you need the space to get over it.

This!

pizzaHeart · 31/05/2023 23:48

Yes to all above, also you can co-parent friendly but nothing more. He wants to use you for childcare at least to free himself of parental duties that why he’s so “friendly.”

Hawkins0001 · 31/05/2023 23:52

Yep, grass is greener and all that.

SaxSick · 31/05/2023 23:52

He's trying to escape paying anything that he has to or do childcare. He's trying to keep you sweet.

Rainbowsandfairies · 01/06/2023 00:03

Completely agree 👍 👏 with this.
I know the truth hurts so much! You're worth so much more than this man! Your life will get so much better when you only co parent with him and nothing more.

SunflowerTed · 01/06/2023 00:10

Yep he left you for her. I’m so sorry. You can be civil but you can’t be friends x

Dery · 01/06/2023 00:57

“Protect yourself, don't answer messages unless it directly involves the DC, don't let him use your home to see the DC, he needs to take them elsewhere, it's not your job to facilitate his contact.
He moved out and split up the family, he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases.
He's probably being nice / flirty because now you're his backup if his new girlfriend doesn't work out.
You'll never heal if you let him come and go and receive and reply to his messages.
Cut him off, give yourself some much needed distance, you need the space to get over it.”

This. Also - you can be civil but not friends. You can’t do family days out. You and he are not a family any more. There are now two family units - you and your DCs and him and your DCs. There’s no reason for you to feel guilty. He’s the one who left. Don’t engage with him. Ask him to take the DCs elsewhere. Who does he think he is, coming round, playing with your feelings, messing with your head and then going off back to the woman he left you for (because I also don’t think she’s just arrived on the scene)? He’s only keeping you sweet because it suits him but it hurts you and you will start to feel better when you put a stop to it.

Hairday · 01/06/2023 01:08

as though he couldn’t wait a couple of months for me to move out.

Why are you the one to move out - shouldn't it be him moving?

Hairday · 01/06/2023 01:10

It's clearly not your fault that the family can't so days out together! It's 100% his fault. Everyone will see that.

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