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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has anger problems

23 replies

Annon35 · 31/05/2023 21:19

Hello,
I need advice my partner gets angry sometimes and bangs things, punches walls/doors, he blames his ADHD for these outbursts, I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar situations?

OP posts:
locomum83 · 31/05/2023 21:32

My husband has HF ASD and is permanently angry, not punching as such but will chuck things. For example if one of the kids has left a toy somewhere that he's managed to stand on, he'll lift it and throw it in the direction of the recycling bin 🤦‍♀️ nothings ever right, or good, or nice, or fun, positive or happy when he's around, he's drainer of souls, it's exhausting. He literally never has anything good to say and always has something wrong with him, usually 'tired' or 'sore', 'fed up' blah, blah, blah. But yea needs serious anger management

user1471442488 · 31/05/2023 21:34

Does he do this at work?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 21:34

Get rid. Immediately.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 21:35

locomum83 · 31/05/2023 21:32

My husband has HF ASD and is permanently angry, not punching as such but will chuck things. For example if one of the kids has left a toy somewhere that he's managed to stand on, he'll lift it and throw it in the direction of the recycling bin 🤦‍♀️ nothings ever right, or good, or nice, or fun, positive or happy when he's around, he's drainer of souls, it's exhausting. He literally never has anything good to say and always has something wrong with him, usually 'tired' or 'sore', 'fed up' blah, blah, blah. But yea needs serious anger management

Why are you allowing your poor kids to live in this environment? What a misery.

PaintedEgg · 31/05/2023 21:37

I have ADHD, I admit to breaking one plate in my lifetime by placing it way to hard in the sink.

adhd can give you temper, how you deal with it is down to personality. for example, someone may have a temper due to adhd and punch a wall because their personality is that of an asshole who only knows how to release frustration by physical aggression

Purpleboat · 31/05/2023 21:45

I think your partner needs to find an alternative coping mechanism/s for his anger.

I find boxing good, also, mindfulness and meditation I find sets me up well for the day. I have to say I didn’t appreciate how much breathing can relax me until I got into mediation. There a guided meditation on YouTube.

I don’t think exposing your DC to this is good, so if your partner can’t find coping mechanisms on his own/ with your support, perhaps it might be useful to look into some counselling. I wouldn’t want my DC to learn this behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2023 21:59

He needs to become your ex partner.

ADHD is no excuse or justification for domestic violence which is what you are describing. I would also think he behaves quite differently to people in the outside world.

Do contact Womens Aid as they can and will help you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2023 22:05

locomum

Anger management courses are no answer to domestic violence. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his behaviour . You have a choice re this man , your children do not. Their home is not the sanctuary it should be for them.

what do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Dottymug · 31/05/2023 22:06

He doesn't have anger problems. It's clearly not bothering him at all. His anger is giving you all the problems and you should leave him right now.

DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 31/05/2023 22:08

Ugly toxic behaviour, do not tolerate it, He will ruin everything, and make your life a misery including children's and pets if you have them. Nothing is more important than a calm peaceful home, get rid of him, these type of men rarely change and have no interest in seeking help because this type of bullying abusive behaviour serves a purpose, as in control.

Expo23 · 31/05/2023 22:18

My ex partner was aggressive like this,and also very lovely too and couldn't do enough for me. I've never felt more loved by a partner. However after two years and an engagement I couldn't commit to a life like that amd deep down I knew it would probably get worse as we were only in our mid 20s with little stress, life was all still exciting and full of possibilities. Even if it didn't get worse, it would wear me down living round that. I was scared of bringing a child into such an environment too. I often think of him with rose tinted glasses then quickly remind myself of how egg shells dig in deep after a while.
I would think what you want your future to look like in 10 years, realistically. Is this person going to fit that mould without too much tinkering. You can't turn a fiesta into micra. If you want a micra, go and find one. Hammering away at the bodywork of the fiesta will just make the car look worse, you exhausted and less satisfied as you've put so much work in and got nothing to show, and if the fiesta had feelings it would blame you for trying to change it - even if it quite fancied being more micra. If that makes sense!!

fetchacloth · 31/05/2023 22:30

I lived with this situation for years before getting divorced and rid.
I shouldn't have put up with it for so long and neither should you 😪.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 23:40

Mm, does he?

Must get into terrible trouble with the police, the courts, his employer, his clients, other men out socially, bouncers etc etc.

Constant fights and clashes and penalties and being beaten by the men he's "angry" with.

Must be quite a rough ride for him.

Must also be terrible when he damages or breaks his own precious belongings in a rage.

........
Or is he only lacking control of his anger at home, with his physically weaker dependants (or people he perceives as weaker than him outside the home)?????

BlastedPimples · 01/06/2023 11:45

@TheoTheopolis23 never thought of it like that. Too true. Abusers only pick on people they think they can get away with bullying. Nasty.

billy1966 · 01/06/2023 12:12

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 23:40

Mm, does he?

Must get into terrible trouble with the police, the courts, his employer, his clients, other men out socially, bouncers etc etc.

Constant fights and clashes and penalties and being beaten by the men he's "angry" with.

Must be quite a rough ride for him.

Must also be terrible when he damages or breaks his own precious belongings in a rage.

........
Or is he only lacking control of his anger at home, with his physically weaker dependants (or people he perceives as weaker than him outside the home)?????

This.

You are in a violent abusive relationship.

Get out asap.

Thisisbollocksmark · 01/06/2023 13:10

I've dated a couple of people with anger problems and I'm very glad to say they're in the past.

It doesn't get better. Once they know you'll tolerate their behaviour, they have absolutely no reason to change. It often escalates when they think you'll forgive them no matter what they do.

I strongly encourage you to consider leaving.

pinkyredrose · 01/06/2023 13:11

locomum83 · 31/05/2023 21:32

My husband has HF ASD and is permanently angry, not punching as such but will chuck things. For example if one of the kids has left a toy somewhere that he's managed to stand on, he'll lift it and throw it in the direction of the recycling bin 🤦‍♀️ nothings ever right, or good, or nice, or fun, positive or happy when he's around, he's drainer of souls, it's exhausting. He literally never has anything good to say and always has something wrong with him, usually 'tired' or 'sore', 'fed up' blah, blah, blah. But yea needs serious anger management

Get rid of him

longwayoff · 01/06/2023 13:13

Dont let his problems be your problems. If he cant learn to control himself - which we all have to do - then he needs to go elsewhere until he's grasped that. Just a brat.

TheDogthatDug · 01/06/2023 15:02

What user1471442488 said. If not get rid, he's a cock

cantdothisforever · 01/06/2023 16:13

please make plans to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.
make sure you tell a trusted friend or family member the truth about his behaviour and get as much support as you need.
But absolutely do leave him.

19lottie82 · 01/06/2023 21:26

I had an angry husband. Got rid of him and I’ve never been happier.

seriously, you don’t need to put up with his behaviour.

Hearti · 01/06/2023 21:29

Most people with adhd or asd do not have anger issues.

pimplebum · 01/06/2023 21:55

It's abuse
Leave

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