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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think my childhood was abusive?

16 replies

Whichwhatnow · 31/05/2023 17:44

I've always thought my childhood was lovely but I'm starting to feel maybe it was just a case of better the devil you know. I feel like there was a lot of love but are these things normal?

I was taken out of school at 14 and spent the next couple of years at home, not at school, in Portugal. Completely friendless.

At 16 I moved to a squat in Holland alone and developed a drug habit and my parents just waved me off without a backwards glance.

In my later teens I was raped twice and my parents ignored it.

At 20 I went back to college and then university while with a man who was financially, emotionally and physically abusive. I got a high paying job that was way more high paying than my family could have got. My parents were fully aware but ignored it and 'borrowed' money (never payed back) over and over again. So did my siblings.

I don't really know what I'm asking. But is this shitty as a childhood? For context my parents allowed my sister who was 16 to go off with a man 10 years older in Morocco, with no way of getting in touch. And my other sister moved to a traveller site at 15, having left school at 12.. My brother went to school for a grand rotal of 9 months when he was 9. So I'm not the only one they've treated like this. But my mum massively guilt trips us all (we tried our hardest!! Etc) so it's very hard to talk about

Don't really know what I want from this post, just feeling a bit down.

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 31/05/2023 17:46

Would you do that to your child? It's clear that you were badly let down. Flowers

TrishTrix · 31/05/2023 17:47

Sounds like a difficult time.

Showersugar · 31/05/2023 17:53

It sounds like it was neglectful: no boundaries, education not prioritised, failure to protect into young adulthood.

Unless your parents have learning disabilities or something they plainly weren't trying their best and it is emotionally abusive to try and shut you down from talking about it. Might it be better to talk this out in therapy where you will get the validation you so deserve?

Wishing you all the very best with your recovery.

FlickFlackTrap · 31/05/2023 17:54

Showersugar · 31/05/2023 17:53

It sounds like it was neglectful: no boundaries, education not prioritised, failure to protect into young adulthood.

Unless your parents have learning disabilities or something they plainly weren't trying their best and it is emotionally abusive to try and shut you down from talking about it. Might it be better to talk this out in therapy where you will get the validation you so deserve?

Wishing you all the very best with your recovery.

This.

sorry you had such awful parents OP.

I hope you can find some peace with it 💐

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2023 17:56

I would say your childhood was abusive and it was not your fault. That is all on your parents. Would think too that neither have apologised or have shown any responsibility for their actions.

NAPAC could be helpful to you here.

tailinthejam · 31/05/2023 18:02

None of what happened to you was your fault. Your parents should have protected and supported you and they didn't. They ignored you, shut you down, and then took your money.

Yes, I'd say they were abusive. Never in a million years would I treat my daughter like that. I'm so sorry you didn't have a kind, loving family.

Flowers
Original poster
Whichwhatnow · 31/05/2023 18:17

Thanks everyone. I suppose my mum is one of life's eternal victims and my dad is very standoffish so it's hard to criticise, but it's nice to be validated!

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 31/05/2023 18:51

Definitely emotionally neglectful. I highly recommend therapy to unpick what happened.

Watchkeys · 31/05/2023 19:10

People with healthy childhoods don't suspect that they may have been abused, @Whichwhatnow .

Read about self validation.

theWarOnPeace · 31/05/2023 19:10

I’m so sorry you went through such horrible experiences. It was abusive and the gaslighting now continues the abuse. Try therapy, I have found it incredibly helpful and validating.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 31/05/2023 19:43

Watchkeys · 31/05/2023 19:10

People with healthy childhoods don't suspect that they may have been abused, @Whichwhatnow .

Read about self validation.

Absolutely this. From the outside, I had a "lovely childhood". Never wanted for anything materially, lived in a nice house with "nice but strict" parents. I was quiet, awkward and academic as a kid, no trouble at all.

The reality is very different. I don't want to go into detail as I'm currently working through it in therapy and it's horribly painful (I'm sorry, I'm not being very helpful here), but as @Watchkeys said, people who have genuinely healthy childhoods don't suspect abuse.

Sending love, OP x

tailinthejam · 01/06/2023 14:44

Whichwhatnow · 31/05/2023 18:17

Thanks everyone. I suppose my mum is one of life's eternal victims and my dad is very standoffish so it's hard to criticise, but it's nice to be validated!

Just because they are your parents doesn't mean that you have to maintain a close relationship with them.

Take a step back and mentally distance yourself. Take control, and tell yourself that they are never going to be the parents they should have been, and there's nothing you can do to change them. So there's no point in allowing their actions to affect your feelings now. The failings lie at their door but they will never admit it.

Cranarc · 01/06/2023 17:42

You say "I feel like there was a lot of love...". What makes you say that? My mother swears she loves us and still does, so I thought for ages that what she called "love" was what love looks like. I had no other frame of reference.

The incidents you describe sound like the tip of an iceberg to me.

I wish you all the best if/when you decide to start unpicking this. Tread carefully and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Whichwhatnow · 01/06/2023 17:57

Cranarc · 01/06/2023 17:42

You say "I feel like there was a lot of love...". What makes you say that? My mother swears she loves us and still does, so I thought for ages that what she called "love" was what love looks like. I had no other frame of reference.

The incidents you describe sound like the tip of an iceberg to me.

I wish you all the best if/when you decide to start unpicking this. Tread carefully and be kind to yourself.

Hmm. My parents always professed to love me but that love was very clearly conditional on me unquestioningly accepting and supporting their life choices.I'm looking into therapy so thanks everyone who has allowed me to talk about this! And sorry @Cranarc that you've had what sounds like a similar experience x

OP posts:
TUCKINGFYP0 · 01/06/2023 18:19

What @Showersugar said. Lots of parents who neglect their children don't mean it. They say they love their children and they probably do. In their own way.

What they mean by love is of course what we all thought love was when we were 16 - a lovely feeling in your heart, a strong desire to be close to someone else.

They never seem to move on to the mature love which is about seeking the best for that person, even at a cost to yourself. About meeting your child’s needs rather than what they want.

So if their kid doesn’t want to go to school / eat fruits and veg / get medical or dental care, they don’t bother. It’s too much hassle to make them.

Many of them then justify this by coming up with some moral or ideological reasons for their actions, to make them feel better . Doctors are all crooks funded by big pharma, schools are full of bullies, school of life is better, kids need to make their own choices .

They are not trying to deliberately damage or hurt their children . It’s just they are so caught up in their own issues ( mental health problems, addictions, learning difficulties, personality disorders or just plain selfishness ) that they can’t put their children’s needs above their own. Which is basically what you need to do to be a good enough parent . So they do what is easiest for them, not what is best for the child.

“ Not meaning to do it “ doesn't make it any less damaging for the kids. And it makes them feel guilty because of course there can be lots of fun bits of being brought up by a certain type of neglectful parent. You get to eat sweets and watch Tv all day at 8 , drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes at 12, smoke weed at 13, bring your Bf home at 14 , run away with a 40 year old when you are 16. It’s cool and fun , unlike all your boring friends who are studying for their GCSEs and tidying their bedrooms .

But it’s still shit and it fucks you up in the long term.So please get therapy @OP.

You dont need your mother to agree with your feelings about your childhood because she never will. You experience is real and valid, whatever she or anyone else says. Its not about convincing her , its about helping you come to terms with it and be free to make different choices in your own life .

Original poster
Whichwhatnow · 01/06/2023 19:02

TUCKINGFYP0 · 01/06/2023 18:19

What @Showersugar said. Lots of parents who neglect their children don't mean it. They say they love their children and they probably do. In their own way.

What they mean by love is of course what we all thought love was when we were 16 - a lovely feeling in your heart, a strong desire to be close to someone else.

They never seem to move on to the mature love which is about seeking the best for that person, even at a cost to yourself. About meeting your child’s needs rather than what they want.

So if their kid doesn’t want to go to school / eat fruits and veg / get medical or dental care, they don’t bother. It’s too much hassle to make them.

Many of them then justify this by coming up with some moral or ideological reasons for their actions, to make them feel better . Doctors are all crooks funded by big pharma, schools are full of bullies, school of life is better, kids need to make their own choices .

They are not trying to deliberately damage or hurt their children . It’s just they are so caught up in their own issues ( mental health problems, addictions, learning difficulties, personality disorders or just plain selfishness ) that they can’t put their children’s needs above their own. Which is basically what you need to do to be a good enough parent . So they do what is easiest for them, not what is best for the child.

“ Not meaning to do it “ doesn't make it any less damaging for the kids. And it makes them feel guilty because of course there can be lots of fun bits of being brought up by a certain type of neglectful parent. You get to eat sweets and watch Tv all day at 8 , drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes at 12, smoke weed at 13, bring your Bf home at 14 , run away with a 40 year old when you are 16. It’s cool and fun , unlike all your boring friends who are studying for their GCSEs and tidying their bedrooms .

But it’s still shit and it fucks you up in the long term.So please get therapy @OP.

You dont need your mother to agree with your feelings about your childhood because she never will. You experience is real and valid, whatever she or anyone else says. Its not about convincing her , its about helping you come to terms with it and be free to make different choices in your own life .

This resonates so much. My parents have justified not sending me to school, not getting me medical or dental care and letting me just go off as a teenager (plus sending me off with coke and ecstasy to a club for my 15th birthday) etc etc because we're travellers. I don't think they're actively abusive but definitely neglectful and definitely felt justified because of our culture.

OP posts:
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