Flirting

[Xxsa]

Hi - I have recently found messages my husband has sent to someone he met through work. The messages were as follows:
I wouldn’t mind catching a cold from you
i can come up a night early and get you drunk (work conference)
you wouldn’t go out with me as you are too good for me.
and basically a message saying she needs a bf like me

I am hurt by these messages and can’t see him in the same light. He says they didn’t mean anything. Should I believe him? We are married with 2 kids

If they didnt mean anything, why did he say those things? To me those messages are flirty and pretty intentional, the subtext is clear. I think you need to consider whether you trust him, if this is a one off, and whether you can put up with it. If my partner had sent those messages I would be devastated.

Thank you for replying - you have validated my feelings

I'm sorry but that goes beyond flirting in my opinion...that is him testing the water to see if she's as interested and 'jokingly' offering himself to her to see how she reacts. Offering to go to a work conference a day early just to spend time with her? Hell no. Saying he wouldn't mind catching a cold...that to me implies catching it through a kiss but maybe I'm reading too much into it. This would be a leave-able offence for me, because if she reciprocated..he would/will cheat and that's clear to see.

I agree with PP, it sounds like he's testing the waters for a relationship of sorts with the woman. Why would it even cross his mind to say these things. If my husband did this it would really shake my trust in him. It's not acceptable.

What we're the woman's replies to these messages?

Thank you for your replies - I was shocked so probably didn’t take her reactions in as fully as I could have but I would say she more laughed them off. Which I agree - if she had reciprocated where would that have left things. He said he has only sent messages like that when we ‘aren’t great’ as they make him feel better about himself. I also can’t shake off the feeling he was ‘testing the waters’

Oh gosh, those messages are very flirty, he’s clearly giving this woman signals. Also saying he will come to her room, well you know what that means… they must mean something. How long has this been going on? Hope ur ok

Thanks for your reply. I very very upset and shaken. To be honest I don’t know how long he has been messaging her like that. Last year I saw that she had sent him pics of her new hair style and I saw a message where he said next time she is over with work he will take her out. I didn’t like those messages and told him they were inappropriate. He said he wouldn’t send messages like that again. It was a few days ago I saw on a different messaging platform the messages I stated in my original post. These messages were from 2022 so he may well have stopped messaging her after I saw the ones last year. However it is difficult to know as there are quite a few different messaging platform out there (work and personal ones). Although the messages I saw were from last year I still feel very betrayed because as you say they are very flirty and in my eyes suggestive. He has worked with her (she works for his supplier) for about 3 years

Arghhhhh sorry to say this but these are definitely flirty messages. I'd confront him about it and ask him what his intentions are and see what he says

Inappropriate and sleazy. Sorry OP.

From personal experience, these flirty messages are probably just the tip of the iceberg - my ex-H was like that too, constantly flirting with female colleagues to get the attention/validation and passing it off as banter. Your husband has tried to justify his actions which doesn’t bode well. You could choose to hang in there until you have more concrete evidence of cheating, like I did, but you might very well look back and wish you’d called it quits sooner. Sorry OP.

Yep, I wouldn't be happy about that. I think that goes beyond normal harmless flirting (if there is such a thing). He's repeatedly telling her he fancies her. That's not on! If she responded and wanted to progress things it sounds like he'd go for it.

@Xxsa, your H has been acting like a single guy with this woman and making moves on her. To me, that’s cheating.

Don’t allow him to blame his faithless, disloyal choices on you and the marriage. This is all on him. His infidelity is strictly due to his selfishness and sense of entitlement to eat extra cake.

I wouldn’t be able to move forward with such a player.

You have to ask yourself what would it take for you to trust your DH after this. It would almost certainly take a LOT, if it's even possible, and would require your DH being completely agreeable to your demands for openness.

If it's not possible - which would be perfectly reasonable - you only have one good choice, to end the relationship.

When I first read the thread header I was thinking flirting is fine (I’m a flirt) but that’s beyond flirting to me, not good.

If I saw messages like that on my DPs phone, I would 100% leave him. To me thats crossing a line by a long shot and I'd consider that cheating. It certainly looks like he has every intention of doing so if he hasn't already. Whether he agreed with me or not, I couldn't give a fig. I'd not be able to trust him after reading shite like that to his female colleague.

Agree with this