Am I in a toxic one?

[Odadada]

Was talking to a friend about a cousin’s marriage breaking down and the soon to be ex broke a piece of furniture in a public setting during an argued with her whilst drunk; amongst other things; so clearly that was dysfunctional. We were just chatting about what sort of behaviours are acceptable or unacceptable in a relationship.

She was surprised by some things I revealed about my relationship but I haven’t told her everything as not comfortable.
I haven’t told anyone really these things as I would be too embarrassed to admit to them in real life. There is huge cultural pressure to make things work in a marriage so hard to share things with others. I’m also someone who struggles with depression on and off so I am always wondering if I might be to blame for setting things off/ not doing enough etc.

but the general sense I get in my marriage is of just not being good enough.
Recent example- we were out on a long walk and at the end of it I was trying to get to a shop to get a Diet Coke or something- to which my partner irritably said “please don’t get anything to eat”. I was offended and true, Im trying to lose weight and it is a sentimental topic between us but i was still pissed off and it just sent my mood in a dip for a few hours.

Other things-
That I close the boot of the car with too much force, that I close the door too loudly, that I move too much in the bed so his sleep gets disturbed- so I now sleep in another room (the peak offence this generated for me was when I was in my third trimester and he likened me to a beach whale when trying to turn on my side and that it was too much for him)
that I keep the house too messy. That I shouldn’t just tidy when guests come home- and when i try to tidy before guests he ends up fighting with me. In an ideal world yes it should be tidy always but I have had a toddler and honestly the house is not too bad in fact friends compliment how clutter free it is( partner still thinks it is cluttered)

weight and eating is a big one. I did balloon up due to undiagnosed thyroid issues and postpartum depression. But even before that when I was a slightly overweight (BMI 25-26) female there has always been pressure. His mum intensely fat shamed me when I was a BMI of 24 after our marriage(she has major issues and is a total narcissist) and after an argument he called me “upper limit of normal” in our honeymoon pics.

It broke my heart because I genuinely at that point believed I looked good and I daresay, 99% of friends/family/colleagues thought so too. Im super tall too so visually a BMI of 24 used to look good.

We have had some big arguments since our toddler was born. A big one was where he kept shouting at me till 4 am, punching the mattress, and ofcourse shouting general expletives and ended with me saying I wanted a divorce unless he went to couples therapy.

Couples therapy did not go great as he felt criticised by the therapist and felt like it was all his fault and that it was unbalanced. Things that I brought up for example were- why he can’t let go of simple things- like who cares if the car boot breaks if I shut it too loudly- it is a cheap old car anyway- was it worth generating a negative interaction?

Also discussed was that I expressed that I would like my birthday to be marked slightly with a card, flowers and a cake- after 10 years of marriage I feel like so undervalued. This is apparently too much for him and the therapist thought this was not unreasonable and that he could try to find this much kindness within himself.
He doesn’t celebrate birthdays (he did celebrate mine when we were courting with a cupcake few books for gifts etc so I dunno where he found the strength for that from!)
Or mark Christmas or any festival really- just a total grinch actually on all occasions. His family never celebrated a festival or kids birthdays growing up( his mum was not tolerated by any other women in the area actually and I can see why). It is very sad but he just doesn’t seem to be able to be excited for any events really.
I am close to my parents and also had individual therapy whilst doing couples therapy to tackle emotions that came up. His family don’t talk to each other and he didn’t see the point in individual therapy which i suggested when he struggled with feeling criticised in the couples therapy.

I wonder if we might be happier apart. He has gone into meltdowns at the mention of separation (also Keeps making me feel guilty for him having had the care giver burden of a depressed wife) and some days are better than others. Deep down I know he is a good person but just a bit too perfectionistic??

Just confused and sad (but that’s depression?)

His mother is abusive and so is your husband. You are in an abusive relationship with this fun sponge of a man and so the relationship is over, or it should be. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Abuse thrives on secrecy so am glad you opened up to your friend. It is also no respecter of class or creed, it can happen to anyone. Do not let cultural mores keep you in such a dreadful marriage. Lose the deadweight i.e your H and rebuild your life without him in (and his dreadful mother) in it day to day.

Couples therapy as well is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Do not attend any further sessions with him under any circumstances as you are not safe enough emotionally.

Your toddler will be affected growing up within such an abusive environment. You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Make better choices for both you and your child going forward and remove your abuser from your lives. If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice re divorce.

Get it out of your head too that he is a good person; he is not because he is abusing you and in turn your child who will pick up on all this atmosphere and outright hostility.

Do you feel respected by him?

Yeah I do feel respected by him actually.

And, the examples you detailed in your post of things he's said/done that have made you unhappy or uncomfortable; do you think he was being respectful to you on those occasions too?

Yes you are in an awfu/ toxic relationship,

Get out while you are young

It feels like he struggles with being too sensitive. He is not comfortable with sharing his space, doesn’t like hugs, likes things to be a certain way and when that doesnt happen it sort of leads to anger. The meltdowns are once in 2-3 months and minor annoying comments/ morbid humour a bit more frequent.
and to be fair from a scientific perspective 24 is indeed on the upper limit of normal of BMI for my ethnicity. I definitely hate being told by someone else what not to eat when not to eat (even though I know it is the right thing to not have that scone).
I hate the anger outbursts though and it is so hard to Avoid triggering him at times. He is not good with recognising or naming how he is feeling either. At one point I even wondered if he had Aspergers..

Hi OP. I don't usually respond but came across your post and had to. Last month I left a relationship that has extremely similar points to yours. I just wanted to come on and give you some information that was actually provided to me by the police. Hitting or breaking things around you or during a tense time/argument counts as domestic violence. The mental implications that this can have on someone can mean that they become fearful of their partners reaction to certain situations and means that the partner is using that to control or manipulate situations to their advantage. I had posted on here myself asking similar questions but wouldn't reveal the full extent of my suffering because I wasn't ready to leave but knew it wasn't a healthy position I was in. It wasn't until opening up to my friend and mum about this that I gained the courage to leave. I know it is awful to think about because like you said he makes you feel guilty but in actual fact that is just another reason, that is manipulation and I had to think to myself when I went through it 'what are my daughters witnessing' and for them I left because I do not want them to grow up in an environment that could mean their future relationships were unhealthy based off of what they had witnessed when they were young. Until you feel ready you will not leave but the fact you are making this post is telling you that somewhere deep down you know that this isn't okay. Your mental, physical and emotional well-being needs to be the priority for you and your child. Sometimes that means pulling ourselves away from those we love because someone who loves you would not treat you the way you have described here. I hope you are safe.

He is a product of his mothers upbringing and she is abusive too. Like mother, like son.

He is not neurodiverse and even if he was this does not in itself lead to abusive behaviour. What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He does this because he can and because he feels entitled to do so. This is no environment for you or your child to remain in.

He actually called her out on a lot of her abuse and has essentially cut ties with her completely. He also reassured me that their relationship wasn’t good even before he met me so doesn’t blame me or anything for it.

Abusive men hate women, all of them and his mother is herself abusive. He is very much a product of her upbringing.

If someone else had written your initial post what would your advice be?.

Your relationship sounds a lot like mine for years. I can't tell you how great it is to finally feel peaceful and happy. Trust me. Life doesn't have to be that hard. Reading your post, I suddenly had a realisation that my ex dh was just really unhappy and so looked to blame me for it all rather than address issues himself. You can't fix this, trust me, I tried for years and years. I can't tell you how great peace feels. Good luck.

It doesn't matter what he struggles with. He's treating you poorly, and the person you absolutely have to look after, before you think of anybody else, is yourself. If a partner struggles and it means that things are hard for them, then support them. If a partner struggles and it means they make things hard for you, then the relationship isn't viable.

Stop making excuses for him. He's abusing you.

OP, with respect, you have listed a whole range of unacceptable behaviours from your partner, and then when people give advice, you are saying you feel respected by him and make excuses for him.

Thank you for that bit about supporting him but not letting him ruin things for me, I will keep that mind. Things have been okay in the past few days but I do worry if I assert myself too much it inevitably leads him to get angry more and more.
I think I am getting to a point where I can imagine being much happier in my life without him.
Those who left such relationships, how was the separation? I don’t have any family locally and my family would probably not understand for the initial few years..

These types of men do not want help
or support from a woman.

He seems currently in the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He also wants to keep you both quiet and subservient and you’re afraid of speaking up because he remains volatile.
Thus us no relationship for you to be in.

He is unlikely to make the process of separation at all easy for you. He will want to further punish you for leaving him, this all perfect specimen in his head. What your family here think is irrelevant, they are not married to him and have likely only ever seen his “nice” side. You are married to him and know the truth.

I worried for years about how my mum etc would react. Funnily enough, everyone was glad for me. It's not been an easy time. Loads of unrelated problems have caused lots of stress and I'm now dealing with a chronic condition but not once have I regretted the change.

All of those stressful things would have been happening anyway but it would have been a lot worse in the home environment I shared with him.

I worried about my kids being affected. Well they have been affected but in a really positive way.

It's honestly been the best thing for all of us. Even for him probably.

I honestly wrestled with it for years. Going back and forward. I was actually thinking last night about how amazing it is that I've not had an argument for 9 months. You have no idea how freeing that is. All of that up and down and push and pull and trying to figure out moods or why he's done this or that. It's just so good not be involved in any of that.

A few of my domestic issues are about to be resolved and my chronic condition is nearly at a stage of being managed so I'm nearly, very nearly out the other side and living my dream.

I do worry if I assert myself too much it inevitably leads him to get angry

Do you genuinely believe that this represents respect?

This is your life. It's all you have. If someone doesn't want you to be you too much, you need to get rid of them. Unless you think that you should be trying to be someone else?

I'm not surprised you're depressed having put up with that arsehole and his nasty mother.

You deserve more that this!

He sounds abusive and it seems you are walking on eggshells around him. That’s no way to live and an awful example for your child. He’s a product of his upbringing. He won’t change. What do you really want to do?

I’m speaking out to my family about him in more detail. I was too embarrassed before.
I am also very firm in not letting his anger affect my mood/confidence - it’s been working for two days.
I think in my head I have prepared to move on if things don’t improve-which helps.
It would be soooooo nice to not have arguments/feel like I’m living in a constant court battle (due to his argumentative behaviour) anymore. I think that’s a big big motivator for me.
It’s right that my family aren’t married to him and cannot understand the impact he has on my every day and every second. The hostility is just omg.
It’s just a shame because we get along so well otherwise . We never have any money fights ever. We both enjoy conversations thinking about day to day/larger world topics. We have so much history and Shared memories ( but that is true for every long term relationship)
He actually apologised this morning for his rudeness when I dealt with him calmly over his critical comments. But yes, this could be Mr nice and Mr mean will come out when I run out of patience..