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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just feel like screaming!!

13 replies

knifeforkspoon · 20/02/2008 17:00

I have had to name change for this one...I'm married with 2 kids and have recently bought a house with DH, tbh things weren't great before we moved but I really thought things would improve (a lot of the rows were to do with where we lived) I did have a minor panic before we made the offer but DH assured me things would be fine, he would change and prove that he loved me and make it work, in my naivity I believed him. Thing is he has been so angry since christmas I don't know what is wrong with him, he doesn't know what is wrong with him. Because we wanted to do works on the house we agreed that we wouldn't go abroad this year, his idea and I was fine with it. As I said since christmas things have been worse and he started going on that we work hard and derserve a holiday so yesterday I went and booked 2 weeks abroad this raised a smile for about a minute and then he started again! This is how bad its got...last night I was late back from work and DH had the kids, DS2 was tired and they ate later than usual, DS2 had a bag of chocolate buttons which he threw on the floor in a strop so I took them off him, DS1 wanted pudding after dinner and I asked him to wait until I had put DS2 to bed, on my return DS1 wanted the buttons, I gave them to him but he decided on a biscuit when I turned round he took the buttons without me seeing, DH watched him take them and walk off then said to me 'that's cool' I said what is, he said you have let him have the buttons to which I reply I hadn't seen him and ask why he didn't take them off him, he has not spoken to me since.

My problem is I have been trying for so long and done so much to please him, I have arranged him counselling as he said he was depressed and forgiven numerous occasions he has ruined, DS2 birthday, christmas, new year, etc. I have got to the end of my tether with him. I have put up with this since 2003. I have felt really low since christmas because of this and now someone at work has started chatting to me online at night, we see each other throughout the day and are just friends but we are getting close. For a while I have resisted because of the kids and the fact that I'm trying so hard to make a go of it, but the more horrid he is the harder its getting!

Sorry this is long it has just all spilt out{sad}

OP posts:

Original poster

knifeforkspoon · 20/02/2008 17:02

its long but please talk to me

OP posts:

colditz · 20/02/2008 17:04

Oh I'm sorry, he seems really hard to live with. Is he getting any treatment for his depression? You may find he is easier to deal with after treatment - but then, five years is a lonnnnnng time.

RubySlippers · 20/02/2008 17:06

you both have to want to make it work ...

moving is very stressful, so that may have compounded things

and also, you can't change him and his behviours, your DH needs to do it himself

did he go to the counselling?

Original poster

knifeforkspoon · 20/02/2008 17:15

he went once to the counselling and felt it was a waste of time...think because they picked up on him 'enjoying' a drink (drinks every night 5-6 cans of lager, more at the weekend) I have told him this won't make him feel better but it results in an argument for me 'nagging'. there is nothing more I can think of to do and that is what is making me panic. i don't know if he thinks he even has a problem, he only acknowledges it when he feels bad about upsetting me and is hung over. i feel completely lost and the only thing keeping me there at the mo is DS1 is struggling at school and he adores his Dad, I couldn't do it to him but the thought of going home fills me with dread, just so fed up of him being so miserable!

OP posts:

Original poster

knifeforkspoon · 20/02/2008 17:16

as for making it work i have tried that hard to keep this marriage together and put on a brave face endless times when inside I'm sobbing my heart out

OP posts:

colditz · 20/02/2008 17:23

Well, You're not happy. And you can't live a life where you are unhappy.

RubySlippers · 20/02/2008 17:27

if it is only you that is making any sort of effort then it isn;t worth it (my original comment wasn't a dig at you, but rather highlighting your DH's lack of effort)

one session of counselling shows a lack of commitment of your DH's part to your marriage

the drinking is another red flag, i'm afraid

you have done what you can - your DH needs to meet you at least half way

can you talk to him at all? you sound so sad and miserable

mampam · 20/02/2008 17:28

Sending out big hugs to you.

Does he know he's behaving appallingly and pushing you away as a result?

Have you both tried marriage counselling?

Other than that I really don't know what to suggest. It does sound as if your DH has some serious issues that he needs to get sorted out, the sooner the better for your sake.

Lulumama · 20/02/2008 17:28

agree with ruby

if he is depressed, drinking will only make it worse

if he has an alcohol problem, that will make things worse

you can make a decision to end things

5 years is a long time to wait for change

sorry you are in this situation , sounds horrible

mampam · 20/02/2008 17:31

Agree that alcohol is not helping.

lemonstartree · 20/02/2008 21:15

What Do you want ?

try to reframe it - instead of 'I want him not to be so miserable ' try ' I want him not to critisise me in front of the children' or 'I want him to bath the children 3 days a week', or some thing positive, and measurable.

It sounds hellish but I would NOT start any new relationship until this one is sorted.

If its over - then its over. Move out, move on. But don't have an affair

what is he doing to try and save your relationship ?

good luck

lst

queenrollo · 20/02/2008 22:33

be very careful about getting close to someone else. when i left my partner i knew it was the right thing to do because there was no-one else involved.

you need to tackle this head on. i'd say the first stop is Relate......on your own if he won't go with you. It may help you to talk this through with someone and get your feelings straight in your head.

ultimately though, if you aren't happy your kids will pick up on that.

i see you've already popped into the support thread.....we're all here when you need us

Citronella · 20/02/2008 23:47

Ah here you are!

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I agree with others here that the alcohol is most definitely not helping. He may see it as the only thing that keeps him going but it doesn't see that it destroys those closest to him and how they see him. It becomes a vicious circle.
There is absolutely nothing you can do about it . He has to see that for himself and want to do something about it long term. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.
Ask yourself if you have tried as much as you could and whether you think in one/two/three years down the line you think things may realistically be different enough to make you feel happy again.

Then I think you'll know what to do.

Take Care x

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