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Original poster

50:50 custody after a year

25 replies

000976a · 31/05/2023 07:05

My ex-partner and I have a 4 year old child and we bought a property together in 2021. We have a joint mortgage but are not married.

A year ago he moved out, he had cheated on my but has never directly admitted this, although I have evidence. It wasn’t a great relationship for me as he was a compulsive liar, which ground me down over the years.

When we split we agreed to the following contact arrangements: Every Tuesday overnight, Thursday for dinner and drop back to me bedtime and every other weekend pick up Saturday morning and drop back Sunday evening. I have our DC the rest of the time.

He continues to pay half the mortgage and the going rate for maintenance.

6 months ago he approached me about selling the house. I declined this at the time because my DC has been really disrupted by this split and I didn’t want to upheave them again by moving house.

Now he has got no where with persuading me to sell the house he has mentioned that he wants 50:50 custody. Despite this arrangement working for a whole year. I solely believe he has asked for this because it’s the only way to force sale of the house. If it was custody he was worried about why did he not approach me about that 6 months ago, instead it was the house sale. He says if I don’t agree to this then we have to go to mediation and then court.

I don’t want to disrupt my child’s life for a second time a year later and to make it worse they start school in September.

Part of me feels like agreeing to just sell the house if he signs a contact agreement to keep things as they are. I don’t know how to even go about suggesting or arranging this.

Ive arranged a consultation with a solicitor but I’m absolutely out of my mind with worry about having to go through this whole process.

OP posts:

Lovingitallnow · 31/05/2023 07:10

Can you afford the mortgage by yourself?

SchoolShenanigans · 31/05/2023 07:10

Sadly, if you're no longer together, then the house needs to go or you need to buy him out.

Are your expectations for him to pay for half of the house until your daughter is 18? That's a fairly dated agreement now, I only know of one person who got this awarded, most people sell up and start again, despite custody agreements.

It does sound like he's using the custody as leverage, but I'm not surprised really as perhaps he sees this as the only way to get you to agree to move. Unless he's very rich, most people can't continue to pay half of the mortgage and child maintenance forever.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 31/05/2023 07:22

Can you afford to buy him out of the house? If not you can't expect him to continue to pay half the mortgage and house himself, plus pay CM. Are you saying you can't afford a mortgage without CM?

As for contact, 50/50 can work very well and he has as much right to see his dd as you do, but it also has to be in the child's best interest, and you're right, it'll be another disruption for her, but maybe he didn't go for it initially was because he didn't want to disrupt her during the split. In the long term it could be best all round.

febrezeme · 31/05/2023 07:30

He is under no obligation to pay half the mortgage and it isn't up to you whether it get sold or not. Sorry but I think you are being really unreasonable - your child is 4 not at school and moving house wouldn't be disruptive to her. If he wants 50/50 chances are he would get it and he wouldn't need to pay maintenance either if he did get it

SixKeys · 31/05/2023 07:34

It's unrealistic to expect him to pay half the mortgage and his rent. It's also not fair. You need to look at whether you can afford the mortgage on your own and if not, you'll either need to sell and downsize or rent. Yes it will be an upheaval but sadly that's just the way it is.

SixKeys · 31/05/2023 07:36

You also sound like you're going to use the house as a bargaining tool to stop him having 50:50. If your child has a good relationship with their father then there's no reason why 50:50 shouldn't be considered. It worked well for me when I was a child and also works well for a lot of people I know. If you walked into a court room and said 'I will sell the house but only if you let me have my way re contact arrangements' it'd not go down well, because it's wrong.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 31/05/2023 07:38

The house isn’t yours to decide what happens to it. He doesn’t need to pay half of mortgage on something he isn’t living in; you need to settle or buy him out.

Get some legal advice. 50/50 could lead to no house and no maintenance.

Whinge · 31/05/2023 07:39

I think he's been very reasonable in paying half the mortgage for a year, especially as he's been very clear about wanting to sell and move on for at least half of that time.

You say I’m absolutely out of my mind with worry about having to go through this whole process. but this could all be solved if you agreed to sell or buy him out.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 31/05/2023 07:39

Also the lying, cheating etc has no bearing on the settlement/childcare/maintenance decisions.

SixKeys · 31/05/2023 07:39

DrMarciaFieldstone · 31/05/2023 07:38

The house isn’t yours to decide what happens to it. He doesn’t need to pay half of mortgage on something he isn’t living in; you need to settle or buy him out.

Get some legal advice. 50/50 could lead to no house and no maintenance.

This is wrong, he is still liable for the mortgage even if he's not living there. Which is why OP needs to sell.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 31/05/2023 07:40

You are being really unreasonable expecting him to pay your house costs while also having to pay his own. Either buy him out, sell the house, or agree to 50/50 which will free him up money to actually provide for your child.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 31/05/2023 07:43

You’re not married so to be honest you’ll be wasting your time and money consulting a solicitor as the only outcome here is that the house will need to be sold unless you are able to buy your ex out.

You're being very unfair expecting him to continue to pay half the mortgage on top of child maintenance and essentially removing any chance of him being able to own his own home where he can provide a second stable home for his child. The 50/50 thing is a separate issue and nothing to do with the house. You need to sort the house situation first and then discuss custody, but I think you need to get your head round the fact you’re going to be moving.

gogohmm · 31/05/2023 07:48

I'll be honest, you need to sell. I'm surprised he hasn't legally forced the sale. Paying mortgage as well as child support is rare!

Redebs · 31/05/2023 07:50

Can you afford to pay mortgage yourself? If you are claiming benefits, you may get the interest paid, so that you can continue to live there.
He cannot force you to sell unless your child is 18.

It may be that he is just asking for 50:50 for financial reasons and when he gets the money, will expect you to provide the majority of childcare again, in whatever place you find to live, while making no child support payment.

I feel sorry for the child if the father cares more about money.

Flower35214 · 31/05/2023 07:55

@SixKeys he could then ask for occupational rent though?

SixKeys · 31/05/2023 07:59

Flower35214 · 31/05/2023 07:55

@SixKeys he could then ask for occupational rent though?

Yes, especially as he has kept up with mortgage payments. This could be more than half the value of the house as it will depend on what proportion of the mortgage he has paid into so far and is based on market rent, which is far higher than mortgage rates.

Zanatdy · 31/05/2023 08:07

You need to sell. Or you buy him out. As everyone else has said he’s not obliged to pay half the mortgage and allow you to keep living there for years. He needs to move on and I’d imagine paying costs for 2 houses is not sustainable. You’re being very unreasonable saying you won’t sell. Yes it’s disruptive to your DD, but it’s part and parcel of splitting up. I had to rent, my ex kept the house. Many may say it’s unfair but I couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage on my own back then and he could.

re 50/50 - maybe part of it’s to do with the house, but then you’re using the house as a bargaining tool too. Both of you need to sort out the sale of the house and move on. He might go to court for 50/50 and get it. It does feel unfair I’m sure when he’s the one who had an affair but he’s not obliged to house you both until your DD is 18.

ArcticSkewer · 31/05/2023 08:11

It's definitely not the only way to force the sale of the house - he can do that regardless. So at least you know it's not that motivating him.
He probably wants to buy somewhere and move on with life.
You've had a year to come to terms with it, I think that was reasonable of him

Zanatdy · 31/05/2023 08:13

Also I’d save your money on the solicitor given you’re not married. They will tell you that you have to sell or buy him out. Even when married very few courts allow the resident parent to keep the house until child is 18. That’s very out dated now. Even if he stopped paying the mortgage he would still be entitled to his half (my brothers ex wife stopped paying for 2yrs as she needed to pay rent on a new place. She eventually bought him out with a new partner). Is it disruptive to the child yes, but that doesn’t prevent anything happening. Even if you can’t afford to buy on your own income you’ll be expected to rent. It all might seem unfair to you, but legally you own half the house each and when split the house needs to be sold or one partner buys the other out. There’s no other option here so I’d save your money unless you’re asking about custody too. You also can’t get him to sign something to say he won’t change the custody arrangement if you sell. You don’t have anymore rights over this house than he does, but you seem to think you do. It’s a joint ownership.

PaintedEgg · 31/05/2023 08:26

he owns half of this house - even if it seems unfair you can either buy him out or sell and give him his half.

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 31/05/2023 08:31

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

He needs to be able to house hims of so paying half of the mortgage on a house he can’t use doesn’t make sense.

He sounds like an involved dad who sees his child regularly so surely 50:50 is best all round?

Surely you didn’t expect him to keep paying the mortgage indefinitely?

millymollymoomoo · 31/05/2023 11:44

Agree with all other posters

yiu need to sell or buy him out and cannot exidct him to pay half mortgage and cms

2 child contact changes over time and 50:50 might be something worth exploring irrespective of house situation or an increase in some other fornat

You’re currently being quite unreasonable

Boomshock · 31/05/2023 19:30

Part of me feels like agreeing to just sell the house if he signs a contact agreement to keep things as they are. I don’t know how to even go about suggesting or arranging this.

That wouldn't stand up in court. He would be signing under duress as it was the only way to free himself from a huge financial obligation.
It would also look make you look bad in court.

acpk55 · 31/05/2023 20:00

SixKeys · 31/05/2023 07:39

This is wrong, he is still liable for the mortgage even if he's not living there. Which is why OP needs to sell.

Show quote history

This not strictly true either, both parties are jointly and independently responsible for the mortgage if the person not living in the house stops paying ( which he might do), the lender might well expect the occupier to make up the shortfall

Darhon · 31/05/2023 20:20

If you don’t agree to sell and make him take you to court to force a sale, my understanding is that you could be liable to pay the costs for forcing it to be become a court matter.

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