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Original poster

What would you do??

22 replies

190758vs · 31/05/2023 06:50

If you were in bed with dh and had made it clear sex was off the cards but he persisted in trying eg kissing, stroking back and eventually moving your hand over to his genitals, would you class this as sexual abuse?

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 31/05/2023 06:51

Personally no but most in here will say it is.

id find it annoying but I wouldn’t feel abused. He’s just trying his luck

Zanatdy · 31/05/2023 07:01

Personally no, like Up above I’d consider it him trying his luck and tell him not a chance and roll over. But I’m sure others will have a different opinion

Righttherights · 31/05/2023 07:06

Depends what your relationship is like. Did he force your hand there? Were you able to move it and tell him to cut it out? Hard to tell without knowing history. As another person said, annoying and warrants discussion , but if it’s a pattern of behaviour and you are forced into doing it it’s another matter.

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 31/05/2023 07:07

Agree with the other two but I would add that I hope it stopped there and he did not pursue further.

userhank · 31/05/2023 07:09

I'd also say no. Every man I've been in a relationship has done this. I've said 'no' and they've thought 'ooo well I bet if she touches it, it will turn her on' 🙄
It's not nice by any means but I wouldn't say it was abuse. They go completely the wrong way about it and it shows a lot that they have absolutely zero clue about women.

Though again like others, I can see this thread going in the opposite direction.

userhank · 31/05/2023 07:10

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 31/05/2023 07:07

Agree with the other two but I would add that I hope it stopped there and he did not pursue further.

I also meant to say this too.

Mindymomo · 31/05/2023 07:11

Married over 35 years, this is what happened with us all the time. After having my children I went off sex and needed a lot of persuasion to get started, which I was fine with and yes I did need it, otherwise if left to me we would have had a sexless marriage. If it makes you uncomfortable or you are not happy then you need to say something.

SchoolShenanigans · 31/05/2023 07:14

I would find it highly annoying, disrespectful and would get very cross. But no, not abuse unless he continued once you'd made it clear it was a no, although it's a very fine line and perhaps if he overstepped boundaries it would be abuse.

How did he react when you said no?

Newbie198 · 31/05/2023 07:19

Like bullying, if you feel bullied then it’s bullying if that makes sense. If you feel abused, then it’s abuse (to you)

My dh has form for this and it’s bloody annoying and disrespectful. I make my feelings very clear. It seems many men don’t have boundaries, so you need to make your personal boundaries understood.

Personally I find it intrusive and rude, at best, but some would say it’s just men being men. What’s cool for one person isn’t for another. I’m surprised at those of us who go through this though, and accept it’s a man thing. Bloody disgusting if you think about it, but maybe it’s just me.

Original poster
190758vs · 31/05/2023 07:20

Yes I said no numerous times before he tried the crotch move. Sorry I appreciate it's hard to answer with no background.
We had marital issues last year, were very much on the rocks. This was due to feeling unappreciated, sulking when I said no to sex, no help around the house, stopped looking after himself, he had low moods all the time. He vowed to change and even went to counselling and things did seem to improve. Fast forward to start of this year and I feel some of these old traits make an appearance again. I start having niggly doubts again. Around this time he started getting a bad bad back, and around 1.5 months ago it got that bad we couldn't really physically engage in sexually activity. He has very recently had surgery on his back so I have been run off my feet having to deal with the kids, house and seeing to his needs as he is unable to. I feel him pushing for sex reminds me of how he was last year and maybe I have created some kind of sexual aversion because of it.
Sorry for rambling, my head seems all over the place at the moment with what is going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
190758vs · 31/05/2023 07:23

SchoolShenanigans · 31/05/2023 07:14

I would find it highly annoying, disrespectful and would get very cross. But no, not abuse unless he continued once you'd made it clear it was a no, although it's a very fine line and perhaps if he overstepped boundaries it would be abuse.

How did he react when you said no?

I had to raise my voice a little to say no when he did this, and he then did realise and apologised. He does have a history of being pushy when he is feeling horny.

OP posts:
Tiger2018 · 31/05/2023 09:15

190758vs · 31/05/2023 07:20

Yes I said no numerous times before he tried the crotch move. Sorry I appreciate it's hard to answer with no background.
We had marital issues last year, were very much on the rocks. This was due to feeling unappreciated, sulking when I said no to sex, no help around the house, stopped looking after himself, he had low moods all the time. He vowed to change and even went to counselling and things did seem to improve. Fast forward to start of this year and I feel some of these old traits make an appearance again. I start having niggly doubts again. Around this time he started getting a bad bad back, and around 1.5 months ago it got that bad we couldn't really physically engage in sexually activity. He has very recently had surgery on his back so I have been run off my feet having to deal with the kids, house and seeing to his needs as he is unable to. I feel him pushing for sex reminds me of how he was last year and maybe I have created some kind of sexual aversion because of it.
Sorry for rambling, my head seems all over the place at the moment with what is going on.

Sweetheart, this is exactly how my ex husband behaved - it was awful. It demonstrates to me that you aren't happy and like me, find it difficult to know what to do when this type of thing happens. He isn't respecting your 'no'. What I couldn't understand was how does my ex h not understand that this doesn't build closeness or intimacy. It just makes you think yuk. As you've said, it doesn't just involve this one instance. Its all of his actions that make your love for him fade.

What do you want to do? Deep down.

Original poster
190758vs · 31/05/2023 09:43

@Tiger2018 I sometimes think I would be happier by myself, and before he had to go for his surgery I was battling it out in my head. But what sort of person leaves someone who has just had surgery? I also worry about the kids and the affect it would have on them. But deep down, I know I could be happier

OP posts:
Londontoderby · 31/05/2023 09:53

Do you have sex at all? Or is it a sexless marriage? This is where the grey area comes in because sex is part of marriage and I wouldn’t want to be in a sexless marriage but also you can’t (shouldn’t) make someone want to have sex with you either.

Tiger2018 · 31/05/2023 09:59

I sometimes think I would be happier by myself, and before he had to go for his surgery I was battling it out in my head. This was me too. It is a battle within yourself for what is best.

But what sort of person leaves someone who has just had surgery? Gently said - who cares what 'type of person'. What I mean is ultimately there will always be something that prevents you (rocking the boat) leaving - it could be anything - kids milestones, promotion or new job, xmas...all of these things will happen regardless of your situation.

I also worry about the kids and the affect it would have on them. I can only share how it was for me. Yes the kids were sad that we were getting divorced, however he wasn't an involved parent to them so their day to day lives didn't change all that much. After a while my ex really stepped up and became a better parent - because I was no longer doing everything!

But deep down, I know I could be happier. I definitely am. I'm no longer trying to be something I wasn't. It was hard for a while. But it eventually became my new normal.

Jux · 31/05/2023 16:42

If you know you would be happier then do it. Please.

CleanCar · 31/05/2023 16:57

My other half was like this. Were now in a sexless marriage and i want to leave. It really is off putting when the other person is a sex pest. Forcing myself into doing it just to keep them happy etc. i now just refuse and not engage. Its shit and like i say, id like to leave as i do find others attractive (wouldn’t do anything about that though)

Original poster
190758vs · 31/05/2023 19:02

CleanCar · 31/05/2023 16:57

My other half was like this. Were now in a sexless marriage and i want to leave. It really is off putting when the other person is a sex pest. Forcing myself into doing it just to keep them happy etc. i now just refuse and not engage. Its shit and like i say, id like to leave as i do find others attractive (wouldn’t do anything about that though)

Yes, I think a lot of the time with the odd exception, I do it just so he will shut up. I think it would upset him if I was to say this to him.
I also find other people attractive and it pickles my head even more as I know I wouldn't be doing that if I was attracted to dh. He is a nice guy, and would do anything for anyone but these issues we had last year I really thought I could get over them, but at the end of the day he shouldn't have to change himself for anyone. He just isn't the same man I fell in love with at the beginning, it makes me feel so sad

OP posts:
Original poster
190758vs · 31/05/2023 19:05

Londontoderby · 31/05/2023 09:53

Do you have sex at all? Or is it a sexless marriage? This is where the grey area comes in because sex is part of marriage and I wouldn’t want to be in a sexless marriage but also you can’t (shouldn’t) make someone want to have sex with you either.

It isn't a sexless marriage but we don't do it a lot, I'd say twice a month. After our issues last year, and after his counselling thinks did get better and our sex life did. We are definitely lacking in intimacy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
190758vs · 31/05/2023 19:07

@Tiger2018 you are right with everything you say. I'm just so scared and unsure of everything right now. This surgery he had has really made things so much more difficult for me. Putting the faults of our marriage to one side, I do care about him as a friend and the father of my children. I'm petrified of hurting him

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 31/05/2023 19:08

I wouldn't but many would. I'd just slap him away and call him a prick. Like others, I wouldn't feel abused, just pissed off.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 31/05/2023 19:11

I would probably get up and off the bed if I wasn't interested in sex with my husband.

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