Advice on how to split costs in a second marriage with one has with a child

[sskkss]

Hi,

I am seeking some advice on basically how to split costs in a second marriage/living together.

My bf and I are now considering living together and ultimately marriage.

I have a child from a previous marriage, and bf doesn't have a child.

I would be appreciated it if you guys could share some ideas on how do I split bills and other stuff when we start living together or in marriage, especially since I have one more spoon on the table.

I earn just above the national minimum wage but I spend 40% of my salary on childcare and education.
Bf earns way more than me.

We both have a house but he will have to move into my house due to my child's school.

But I want a little bit fair relationship ( at least I don't want him to feel unfair) as long as I can afford it. So it would be great if I could get some advice, especially from a man's point of view.

At the moment, my bf pays quite a lot portion of eating outs and activities for my child that he organised. When he pays for the activities, I would pay for food, or I pay for activities and he pays for food. Wherever we go, he would take his car and he pays for the full petrol.

If he pays all costs or a bit more than half of the costs considering he has no child/children while I have a bonus pack, I would pay him back in a different way and is my way of paying it back by buying(gift) something for him.

He does not complain nor seems to care much or maybe I have not caught it.

I cannot imagine how it should be split If we start living together in my house.

General household bills - split in half? or 1/3 for him?
Eating outs with a child - split half or 1/3?
Day out with a child - split half or 1/3?
Education - I pay 100%
Childcare - I pay 100%
Holidays - split half or 1/3 for him?
What else...
Mortgage
House maintenance and repairs
House renovation or extension if needed
Insurance
Car costs
Etc

Any ideas or tips are welcome..

All 50/50 as going to be one family.

Ask your bf how he wants to do it. Most relationship issues are caused by a lack of communication which often leaves unresolved resentment. What other people do is really irrelevant.

If you are worrying about who pays petrol and whose car is used then to be honest, I don't think you should marry. Live together by all means, see how it goes but marriage is supposed to be based on partnership, a team. Not petty accounting.

A more realistic split is to share everything 50:50 except perhaps childcare and education, because these costs are shared with your ex.

While you are not married, and living in your house, you charge him (small) rent so it is clear he has no claim on you & your child's home if you split.

If you subsequently marry, everything goes in a pot and is paid from the communal pot, except those specific child costs shared with your ex.

Ask him? I would start to feel very hard done by very quickly if I was paying towards someone else's child/children.
My husband had two girls in their teens when I met him and I had no children at that point. If we went anywhere he covered their costs. I contributed my portion to the shopping and I think we split things like gas and electric 50/50.
I get the impression you feel that as he earns considerably more he should be happy to cover more of your outgoings?

Do you own your home or do you rent?

What does your DC father pay for his child?

My view is when 2 people marry including where children are involved it should still be equal. Depending on what each earn, the bills should be split accordingly. Or even better all money put into one pot - bills and life expenses paid, each have some 'own' money and anything else to go into savings/holidays fund etc.

If you marry someone with children already, then they come as part of the package, so to speak, and if you're not willing to take on that responsbility, financially or otherwise, then thats going to build as resentment and I can't see how that could work. The difficulty comes when the chidlren become adults and still living at home and not contributing where it can get tricky, but thats a conversation way down the line.

Obviously things like the childs other parents contribution can be taken into account, but ultimately you are becoming one family and responsibilities rest on both of you, regardless of whose child is whose.

Best thing you can do is ask your partner how he sees it working and then you'll know where you stand. Are you likely to have dc together later on? if so, then i'd say its even more important that he sees your current child as part of his family now and not as a financial burden of some sort that you are regularly trying to relieve him of, even though you earn much less.

Communication, defeinitely. Get all expectations out before you move in together. Pin it down, because otherwise it may just turn into a big resentful mess.

keep this simple. Pay for your child out of your own pocket. He is your responsibility

your housing costs and utilities should be shared

you pay an extra ten percent for the food shop

By the way I say this as someone who took on 2 dc when I got together with my ex. I had no dc at that time, but at no point did I even consider I was spending 'my' money on them. we became one unit and money coming in - regardless of who was earning it - was used as family money. I wanted to be with their father and they came as part of the deal.

I think there are some things to consider. Does your child have contact with his or her father? Do you get any child maintenance from your ex? Did you lose any benefits when your boyfriend moved in with you?

Ultimately I think that if you're becoming a family unit, your boyfriend should contribute equally. I had an ex who used to quibble over everything as they didn't think they should pay towards my daughter, despite my DD having no contact with her father and me not receiving any maintenance whatsoever (and losing Child Benefit when my partner moved in with me). Funnily enough it was one of the reasons we split up!

I think it's a great test of your relationship to see if you can agree to combine finances completely. Everything paid into one joint account and then the same amount of "spending" money each.

This is what the contract of marriage intends (as people who divorce and split everything find out) so if either of you doesn't like this idea i'm not sure marriage is for you.

Do you currently receive any child/working tax credits? If so these will be lost with your partner moving in. Also what about child benefit, again is that something that may be lost?
everyone is different, but when my now husband moved in with me, we were committed and at the time I was in receipt of working tax and child tax benefits and child maintenance, which I then lost. He moved into my home which I owned with a mortgage, I had 2 children and he had 1. We decided to just have A joint bank account and put it all in the pot together, that does require trust and respect though. We’ve since moved home and married and we still share everything financially, apart from the house we brought together as I put more equity into, so we have a split and that is left via our wills in trust for our children, with the survivor able to live in the property. I now work full time and we both contribute a similar amount In to the pot. Personally I couldn’t bare having to split costs for everything, but you both have to be on the same page.

Why? It's not his child.