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Original poster

AIBU about this with bf?

28 replies

monte8 · 30/05/2023 22:22

Bf and I have been together over 2yrs. He's met my DC because he occasionally stays over when they're around, but I haven't met his DD (12) because she's against the idea of him having a gf, which I've been fine with because it doesn't seem to affect our relationship for now.
He's been on holiday this week and sent me photos. One of them was with her sitting on his lap, her holding him around the neck and his hands around her waist. Another was at a restaurant with them sitting next to each other and her left hand reaching over and holding his right hand if you know what I mean.
In both of the photos she looked at the camera unsmiling in a very "he's mine" kind of way.
AIBU to feel weird about this? I do hope that we will live together one day, but honestly after seeing these photos I don't see how that will be possible and I feel like cutting and running (but that's my default reaction, which is why I'm asking for opinions).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2023 22:24

I wouldn't want all of that drama in my life. I doubt that girl will ever accept any partner her dad ever has. Fuck that. Life is too short.

Original poster
monte8 · 30/05/2023 22:27

Exactly my thoughts. She's never going to accept me. And he's terrified of upsetting her.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2023 22:29

And he's terrified of upsetting her.

And there's the problem, which is never going to change, by the way. He is her emotional hostage.

ZekeZeke · 30/05/2023 22:33

You are together 2 years this needs to end now regarding him pandering to his daughter.
Time for a serious conversation with him.

Gingergirl70 · 30/05/2023 22:46

I agree with tye sentiment that 2 years is too long a period to pass without at least an introduction. Is it his DC he's afraid to upset or his DC's mum? Either way, hopes of a happy future living together doesn't seem promising if this doesn't get resolved. What does he say when you tell him you'd like to meet her? Does he know how you feel?.have you ever talked about living together and what this might look like?
However, I am confused as to the comments about the holiday photographs. I'm not sure what you're getting at? It's inappropriate that she's sitting on his knee, arms around him, holding hands? Is it inappropriate that he has his arms around his daughter's waist? Or is the way she's looking at him/looking at each other is inappropriate? How do you get a 'he's mine' vibe from a non-smiling child? Was DP not taking normal holiday photographs or was he taking photographs with sole purpose of sending them to you and told his daughter this and she's deliberately posed in a way that says 'he's mine' type of way?

Original poster
monte8 · 30/05/2023 23:03

We briefly discussed living together and he mentioned that he'd like us to get a bigger place together rather than move in to my tiny 2 bed.
When I asked about his daughter not wanting him to have a girlfriend he said it's because "she thinks she's my girlfriend"?🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
monte8 · 30/05/2023 23:05

Btw, I have a DD the same age, and mine seems much younger. There was nothing childlike about those photos.

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 30/05/2023 23:07

And of course he's told his 12yo daughter that he is her dad, not her boyfriend and explained the differences between the two types of relationship?

billy1966 · 30/05/2023 23:10

Move on OP.

Don't bring this absolute chaos into your family and home.

You have wasted too much time already.

Protect your children and your home from him and his child that does not want you or your family.

You would be a total fool to move him in.

RollingOnTheRiver · 30/05/2023 23:10

because "she thinks she's my girlfriend"?

The fact he has done nothing to dissuade her would make me feel 🤮

Azandme · 30/05/2023 23:12

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Gcsunnyside23 · 30/05/2023 23:22

monte8 · 30/05/2023 23:05

Btw, I have a DD the same age, and mine seems much younger. There was nothing childlike about those photos.

What are you trying to say here? You're starting to sound like you're the one with the problem and massively reaching and making assumptions ABOUT A CHILD you haven't even met. Jeez get a grip, she's probably territorial about her dad and not wanting to share time but that's on him to sort and help her get over of you pull the plug

Gingergirl70 · 30/05/2023 23:22

monte8 · 30/05/2023 23:05

Btw, I have a DD the same age, and mine seems much younger. There was nothing childlike about those photos.

Are you implying they were 'adult' snaps? As i asked earlier, are you suggesting the poses and physical contact are inappropriate? Is DP being inappropriate in having his arms around her waist? Are you suggesting there is something sexually provocative about them? Are you implying that DC thinks they are in some sort of romantic relationship and your BF is happy for her to think this and play along because 'he's terrified of her'?

Doyoumind · 30/05/2023 23:36

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Theimpossiblegirl · 31/05/2023 00:47

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picklsey · 31/05/2023 01:29

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Original poster
monte8 · 31/05/2023 05:33

That's exactly what I'm saying! She is (over) territorial about her dad and acts like and says he's her boyfriend. I could never picture this despite him telling me, but now I see. I don't know how to describe it, but I suppose the photos were the last straw to something that has been niggling under the surface.
I just can't imagine my DD of the same age in those poses, with all that makeup, hair straightened and wearing those clothes, but yes she's a child, and all children are different, especially at that age.
I don't want to interfere in their relationship, however there doesn't appear to be any space for me in or, so I was asking if AIBU to leave over it.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 31/05/2023 06:01

Forget all these nasty posts above , if you're uncomfortable your uncomfortable but from what you've said I can't see it changing . FWIW I think I'd probably move on and this situation sounds like a drama waiting to happen .

Dodo2023 · 31/05/2023 06:10

Sounds like it’s giving you the creeps. I’d cut my losses. Don’t let this toxicity seep into your kids lives.

Summerhillsquare · 31/05/2023 06:22

At best, you're blaming a kid. Who is the person with power and responsibility here? Not her.

Justleaveitblankthen · 31/05/2023 06:37

As soon as I read your post I knew you would get jumped upon by those who believe that nothing like this ever happens and they would 'RIP the fucking head off' anyone that dares to assume otherwise. 🤨

OP, the only thing you know for certain is that this child doesn't want you involved in their lives whatsoever.. and her father will probably end up alone.
I would cut my losses and think of your own children here.
They deserve to know who will be around or not,even if the extent of their relationship is him 'staying over'.

UCknowitall · 31/05/2023 06:48

A close friend had EXACTLY this situation with her partner. The child thought of herself as her dads 'partner' so I know it absolutely does happen.

She would never agree to meet my friend. Dictated everything dad did. Pulled all kind of stunts if she knew they dad and my friend were together. Accused dad of 'cheating' on her...

The problem throughout all of this lay absolutely 100% with the girls parents. She was manipulated by her mother and encouraged to behave like this - and indulged, spoilt and appallingly parented by her father who needed to step up a knock this nonsense on the head, her the girl some proper therapy and stop being a fucking mega Disney dad.

Unless your dp is prepared to deal with this and deal with this NOW. He is guilty of failing to protect his DD from serious MH issues and I couldn't be with a man like that.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 31/05/2023 13:03

Hi all,
We're swinging in to say thanks to the people who reported concerns via the Report button rather than troll hunt on the thread. This might be an opportunity for some people to re-familiarise themselves with our guidelines.
You all know we don't vouch 100% for posters on here but suffice it to say this particular OP has been with us for a long time and we're not seeing anything concerning in the back end.
Hope that helps!

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WisherWood · 31/05/2023 13:20

When I asked about his daughter not wanting him to have a girlfriend he said it's because "she thinks she's my girlfriend"?🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd run. Possibly after mentioning something to social services, although I'm not sure what. This sounds desperately unhealthy.

My DP has a daughter who was a similar age to this when we started dating. It was hard work managing her jealousy but we both wanted to do this and were motivated to. If at any point he had said that his DD viewed their relationship in these terms, and he wasn't making immediate steps to change that, I'd have been straight out the door.

And yes, the kind of abusive relationships do exist. This isn't (necessarily) the OP seeing something that isn't there.

Bookworm20 · 31/05/2023 15:20

So you haven't met his DD in over 2 years, so she was 10 when you got together? Now 12. Sorry to say but I doubt this is going to get any easier the older she gets. He has left it a very decent amount of time and things are clearly not getting any better. Add in the way the photos have made you feel and the fact she thinks of him as her boyfriend is quite honestly a little creepy.

Most people woudln't think anything of a 12 year old child in the situations you ahve described, but there is obviously something there that has made you do a second take.

He needs to be telling his daughter he is happy and in a relationship with you. Telling her, not asking her permission! Its not a few weeks in, its been over 2 years! And you need to meet. It will never get any better and you cannot progress as a couple if he keeps you both seperate for eternity will it?

If he isn't willing to do that - and to set her straight on the whole boyfriend thing (which is fucking odd) afraid to say i'd probably consider walking away from this one.