Don't know how to deal with DH's moods

[CapybaraChops]

I've had a falling out with my husband this evening and I'm now sitting alone on the sofa and he's huffed off down the garden.

I got home from work today and he was pleasant enough, if not a little bit tired-seeming. We made chitchat and I settled onto the sofa and he joined me. I made a few remarks trying to make conversation and he didn't respond at all. He was playing a game on his phone but soon I noticed he had a grumpy look on his face. His moods are always extremely obvious on his face - he doesn't have the ability to disguise it at all. He looks like Eeyore when he's tired or in a bad mood.

He was sitting there with a sad/drained facial expression on so I asked him what was wrong, and he said he felt bad about work. I asked him why and if something happened, and he said no and that he didn't want to talk about it. Ok. This happens often enough and it's almost always imposter syndrome (he has no actual cause to be insecure about his abilities at work, so it's a bit tiresome to hear it on a regular basis. He is successful, well respected and well-paid. I didn't say any of this, it's just for context.) I said that's fine and I'm there if he wants to talk.

He went to the kitchen and started on dinner and started musing out loud about how he wondered if the chicken was off. I asked if it smelled and he couldn't articulate the issue at all. Did it stink or look odd? After quizzing him and getting nothing coherent, he just brought it to me to smell - it was absolutely rotten and horrific and we had to open all the windows and doors to get rid of the stench. I don't know how he wasn't certain it had gone off. I'm only saying this to paint a picture of how odd and out of it he was acting and how his communication tonight has been very poor.

I said we'd just get a takeaway then, and he went upstairs to nap until the food arrived about an hour later.

When the food came he came back down from his nap and we sat on the sofa and I tried to pick something to watch on Netflix. He still had a face like thunder so I asked again what was the matter and if he wanted to talk about it. He snapped that he didn't want to talk. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable by this point as there was an atmosphere and I calmly told him I was starting to feel anxious because he seemed to be in such a bad mood. He then shouted that he didn't want to talk about it (yes, I gathered...) and I said that's fine, but he was creating an atmosphere. I said I'm happy to talk about it if he wants to or to leave it, but the vibe was making me uncomfortable. It's hard to pretend everything is fine when the person next to you is clearly seething.

He got up and stomped to the kitchen and back, shouting that I'm being cold to him and snapping at him. I wasn't, I just wasn't really indulging him. I suppose I was speaking in a matter of fact way.

I had asked what was wrong and said I was there if he wanted to talk! I don't honestly know what the man wants from me. At one point he came back in and raised his voice at me, saying I was harassing him to talk about what was upsetting him and I'd had enough and rolled my eyes and that really set him off. He snatched his laptop and stomped upstairs saying he doesn't want to be near me as I was pissing him off.

Eventually I went up to check on him and apologised for upsetting him, and he started raising his voice again and telling me how I'm being cold and uncaring and pressing him to talk when he doesn't want to. I did my best to stay even keeled and patient, but he very obviously didn't like that and I think interpreted my calmness as me being cold or uncaring. I said his foul moods effect me and I can't be expected to tiptoe around and pretend everything is fine when it's obviously not. I don't want to come home from work to a frosty atmosphere with no explanation. And I only asked him what was wrong twice, an hour apart. It's not like I interrogated him.

I'm honestly flabbergasted by his behaviour tonight. I think he's acting like a 5 year old child, not a 32 year old man.

If he gets in a mood like this in future am I supposed to put on a show and totally ignore it, act chirpy and pretend everything is fine? Am I supposed to fuss over him and coddle him? Apparently I'm not allowed to ask him what's wrong but at the same time I'm being uncaring and cold. I don't get it.

The first rule of assertive, healthy communication is, 'if you didn't ask for it, you don't get to bitch about it when you don't get it'. He wants you to psychically work out what he needs and supply it. He won't give a tiny indication of what he actually needs and if you ask, you are wrong.

He's displacing anger. Which not only doesn't work, because you aren't addressing the root cause, it pisses off everyone around you.

Well done him successfully ruining your evening while not improving his own. Does he do that a lot?

I'd be telling him to grow up or I was filing for divorce, quite frankly.

You are not his whipping boy.

Ignore him OP.

He is feeding off you tip toeing around, makes him feel big, in control, he has all the power.

Stick what you want in TV.
Don't ever go and check on him ever again if he stomps upstairs. Sleep in the sofa happy and away from him.

Ignore him.
Keep ignoring him when he is like this.

Ask him once "how was your day?" Gauge the sulking. Try no harder. Get on with your evening.

In simplistic terms, there are two possible scenarios here:

1. He was genuinely down / worried about something but doesn't want to talk about it right now.
2. He is intentionally punishing / controlling / upsetting you by doing this.

In both cases, the right thing to do is back away and get on with your evening as normally as you can. If that means being in another room to avoid the atmosphere then fair enough. Neither of those situations is made better by insisting on discussing it, and in the case of option 2) he wants you to keep asking so he can keep punishing you.

If it's 1) he has a right to not want to discuss it here and now, but he should communicate this to you kindly and respectfully, so you know where you stand and aren't left worrying.
If it's 2) he's controlling and abusive and you would be better off leaving him.

It sounds as though, at best he's a poor communicator who only thinks of his own feelings and doesn't care about yours. At worst, he's abusive.

He's 32? I thought he was close to retirement age. There is nothing more offputting than someone who creates an atmosphere. There isn't anyone in the world who wants to be with someone who is doing that. It sounds like he got him self into a mood, had no reason for it and decided to blame you. I bet if his parents were being honest with you, they would tell you if he's always been like this.

His behaviour is appalling.

He sounds like a nasty bully who uses his moods to control you.

Do NOT have children with him.

Rethink this marriage unless you want this to be your life.

So he’s had a terrible day at work and you want him to either talk about it snap out of it and pretend all is hunky dory? Although actually you don’t want him to talk about it because you dismiss his issues as tedious to hear about.
I feel sorry for him. You say he’s “creating an atmosphere” but a more compassionate response would be to see it as him suffering and not about you. You could ask him what you can do to help? Or you can give him space and spend the evening separately.

Sorry to jump on this thread but my husband is actually similar. Really interested to read about displaced anger @MrsTerryPratchett I’m going to have a look into this to try and explain it to him. He does sort of see that he does it, but not really and it’s impossible in the moment to get him to reflect on his behaviour because of his heightened emotion. I was feeling like it was my fault for letting his moods effect me but he also takes it out on the children.

You have a choice re your H CupEmpty; your children do not. He knows what he is doing here, he does not need explaining to. He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so, it may well be that one of his parents does similar behaviour.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from you two about relationships?.

Do not continue to raise your children in a household that is primarily governed by your H's moods. This sort of behaviour from men affects children, not just to say you, badly. He will have you all walking on eggshells in some attempt as to not set him off, such will fail though because he really is volatile.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you I do understand that. The kids are still very small at the mo so don’t quite understand it but you’re right it needs to stop. Honestly he has so little insight into his behaviour he genuinely struggles to reflect that it’s not acceptable. I’m not excusing him, it’s actually the opposite, he really doesn’t understand that it’s not normal and not ok. Part of that is my upbringing aswell, my father was abusive and I didn’t recognise this to start with, only since I’ve had kids and been working on myself. He doesn’t see what he is doing, creating an atom app here, being snappy and grumpy and cold - thinks it’s ok to behave like that - plays the victim card that “I’m always having a go at him, he’s always the one apologising, he’s always the bad guy”

i think I need to do some reading and try and explain things to him, get him to see that it’s not just me saying it, other people to give it credibility. He doesn’t believe it when it comes from me as thinks I just see the worst in him.

genuinely we are both trying to work on ourselves.

I can probably give you some insight OP as I admit, I can be like this.

I get waves of anxiety that eat me up. I can't always articulate what caused it but my thinking tends to become cyclical and I tend to focus on the same issues (which Im sure is boring and frustrating for my partner). To try to dissipate the physical feeling of anxiety, I too go into my phone. If/when my partner asks what's wrong, I can be snappy. It's irrational and I feel like I can't help it in the moment, it's usually a feeling of tipping over the edge. Sadly, as you're closest to him, he may feel you're the safe space.

I hate being like this because I realise it isn't pleasant to be around and I do often apologise, although I'm not sure how helpful that is.

For me - what would be helpful isn't always a chat (although ultimately this does often help), sometimes I would just like him to rub my shoulders or brush my hair. Something relaxing and caring without me needing to talk as I'm already in a heightened state and can get snappy unintentionally if I feel overwhelmed.

Writing this out has made me realise I may benefit from some more counselling. Has your partner considered it? I've had a few sessions in the past and for me, just a few sessions makes a huge difference.

I know people throw this around and I may be completely wrong, but I often wonder if I have autism. I have cyclical negative thinking and intrusive thoughts. I am also a very process and fact driven person so struggle with life's uncertainties. I also suffer with imposter syndrome (even though I'm not particularly successful) and generally feel on the outside of reality.

I wonder if your husband may be struggling with either depression, anxiety or a longer term issue.

Either way, it sounds like he's at a point where he needs to seek help. I would wait until he's feeling normal, then approach the situation. Let him know that you're worried about him and that it's not a sustainable position, so perhaps some outside help would benefit him.

Sorry @CapybaraChops hijacked your thread. Apologies.

what I can say is it doesn’t sound like you have kids. This does get worse with kids, believe me, as they require a great deal more patience and emotional regulation than dealing with another adult. If he is snapping at you, the threshold to snap at kids will be lower.

In my experience, and only in mine as I can't speak for OPs husband or their situation, but I actually never snap at my kids. They're my No1 priority in life and their mental health is always on my mind so I'm actually hyperaware not to direct my anxiety towards them.

Unfortunately, this can cause issues to, my partner sometimes asks how I can be so nice to everyone else but he gets the grumpy, snappy me.

Having said that, having kids has definitely been a trigger for me feeling so anxious, and has definitely worsened my mental health. So I have definitely gotten grumpier, just not directly towards the children. It's more internalised and then comes out between me and my partner.

Why can’t he just have a bad day, not feel like talking about it and you look after yourself? Just phone one of your friends or open a book or take a bath.