8 years after divorce and still no better

[Anon0707]

I don’t know where to start. First of all I suffer with ptsd and anxiety, im on fluoxetine and have a weekly councillor meeting
kids father and I divorced 8 years ago after years of DA, SA, gambling addictions and compulsive lying.
I had a non mol initially and settled on court undertakings but he disregarded everything he promised in court for the first year or so until he met a new girlfriend. Then he left me alone, he would generally stick to his weekends (1 weekend every 3 weeks) with the kids though.
im not going to go into too much detail but his 2nd girlfriend and he were literally in a mission to try and destroy my life, from lying to my workplace and trying to lose me my job, not paying cm, lying to the benefits agency, calling me everything to our kids, you name it.
low and behold their relationship broke down, she also had to take a non mol. I don’t feel bad for her she tried to ruin my life.
they split up and I got hounded by him, he would turn up unannounced at my home, beg me to get back with him, when I turned him down he then became threatening
he then found girlfriend number 3. Left me alone
split up with her and hounded me again. You get the gist
so now girlfriend number 4 has left him.
2 weeks ago. he didn’t see his kids for 8 months in that time.
the last 2 weeks he has been a complete leech on our kids, he’s admitted he can’t function without someone around him, attention etc so he’s now dad of the year again, taking the kids out, showering them with gifts, they know what he’s doing, they are teenagers and not stupid
saturday night he was parked outside my house for 3 hours ‘talking’ to our daughter
tonight 2 hours talking to our 2 boys
he slags me off to them, makes threats
as soon as he is single it’s as though he makes a beeline for my house, as though if he hasn’t got a girl to control he’ll try and control me knowing his presence makes me anxious
he calls me on a withheld number because he’s blocked, then when I don’t answer he’ll call one of the kids and say he needs to speak to me.
I don’t know the point of this, I just need to know I’m not alone
8 years ago I thought maybe things will get better in the next year or so
now I just see no end

Well you just need to hang up - keep a diary and speak to the police.

Theres no need to engage with him .

I'm so sorry. Eight years of this must be so draining let alone the years of the relationship with him. Life can be really cruel sometimes and somehow people can get away with being utter shits, wearing others down around them. Your poor kids will soon want nothing to do with him though so the end is in sight.

Don't speak to him. Report to police. Keep a log. Kids nearly old enough to decide if they want to see him in future.

I don’t speak to him. The issue is him sitting outside my house for hours on end when court undertakings clearly state he is allowed to collect the children and then depart
spoke to the police on numerous occasions and they do absolutely nothing even when I had a non mol they did nothing

Just involve the police and get him sorted

He’s manipulative, the kids actually know how he’s being, they are the first to come to me and say why does dad only bother with us when he’s single and has nothing better to do.
yet he will coerce them by hounding them and making them feel guilty until they engage with him. He’ll then give them money etc to win them over, he then spends his time trying to turn them against me. He doesn’t even know me, 8 years is a long time but he still feels the need to make out to them that somehow I’m in the wrong
i would never stand in the way of their relationship with their father what I want is for him to leave me alone and yet every time I hit a brick wall

I’ve tried probably 10 times at least, maybe more, nothing ever happens to him, he’s like Teflon, nothing sticks

Definitely speak to the police to get it start being logged properly

How old are your children now?

12, 15 and 16 boy girl boy. My eldest lived with him when we first split up, he suffered/witnessed a hell of a lot of abuse. He’s been back with me for 3 years after not being able to take anymore. SS are aware but as always they deem him a fit enough parent to still have access
I’ve lost every bit of faith in every system in this country

So after all the abuse, making your life a misery with and without various girlfriends he still has to sit in a car outside your house when he has no other female entertaining him.

You are the strong one OP

Your kids know that
I hope you do as well.

Close the blinds/curtains.

I would log stuff.
I would tell the police, if you can ask to speak to a female police officer. In your local station even if you turn up once a month with a list of "times".

What a fuck up his life is to have to withhold numbers and can't function without a female to abuse.

Can you ask a friend to come round when he is sitting outside? Might rebalance the power with a witness. He might find it less fun if you have company. I mean a female friend or just a neighbour, anyone really just when he is sitting there.

Get one of those ring cameras fitted to the front of your house, they record everything and it can maybe give you a little bit of peace of mind…

I can understand your feelings and concern for your children that they are having to put up with him. He is using them like a security blanket whenever his relationships fail. Thankfully they are at an age where they will start to realise how manipulative he is. As much as you don’t want to stand in the way of their relationship with him there is no harm in having gentle discussions about how much of themselves they are willing to give and what boundaries they could put in place. They might need help in having some responses for when he wants them to sit in the car for endless chats. You need to try and take back some control. As a PP suggested, start logging his visits. Maybe consider getting a ring doorbell which would record his visits. I really feel for you. As you say, after 8 years he is still trying to control your life. Don’t let him.

It’s so hard when you no longer trust the systems that are supposed to protect you and your kids.
it’s not physical abuse, it’s the anxiety. I can’t explain it, just him sitting outside my house feels like a threat.
i had years of abuse from him and his family, intermittently ongoing depending on his relationship status
the ptsd was diagnosed after my 16 year old was assaulted and ended up in hospital, he nearly died and i lost it, I was scared to leave the house, I was having maybe 6 panic attacks a day, that was 18 months ago. I was feeling better, spoke to my therapist today and said how I was just getting on with things, which I was.
then this afternoon he turns up unannounced and I’m on edge again

I have one, front and back, he doesn’t care. He’s been shown he’s above the law so why would evidence concern him

OP I'm surprised how dismissive many of the messages here are. It's cleary not a case of 'just ignore and call police'.

I think it's unsurprising that his mere presence puts you on edge. What a sad, sorry, pathetic excuse for a man he is, but what a nightmare al the same. No advice but solidarity.

And respect. You've kept your sanity, even if with difficulty. That is no mean thing.

The system is failing you. Are there any local women's charities that can support you?