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Relationships

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Original poster

Does a lengthy separation ever reconcile a marriage?

22 replies

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 18:49

Grasping at straws, will keep it as short as possible as have posted on here many times.

Together 13 years, married 4, I’ve a 20yr old, they regard one another as father/daughter. He left 9 weeks ago after lengthy period of arguments almost every day, became toxic, he’s got MH difficulties, turns out that the trauma of it all (together with 8 years of failed TTC/health problems) has brought me to my knees mentally.

he left, said no longer loves me, doesn’t want to be with me, just wants to be alone to repair his MH, living with his parents, no OW. So I’ve asked him whether he wants to divorce, he does, but not yet, wants to mediate the finances first. He’s not taken legal advice, all his ‘knowledge’ comes from Google (I’m a family lawyer so know my onions).

He’s blocked me, yesterday he said that if I’d left him alone when he first left, it may have been different (I needed answers as to why, whether he was returning - he’d still been telling me he loved me etc).

I know there’s rare cases of people reconciling after a significant period apart - I may feel different at that point, if it came, but at the moment, i’m still hoping for a different outcome, although I couldn’t put myself thru this trauma again if he didn’t sort his MH issues out.

just wondering whether anyone had any thoughts?

OP posts:

Itsanotherhreatday · 30/05/2023 18:52

I wonder why you are thinking like this? He’s gone and asked for space - you should respect that.

Now is the time to sort yourself out and your future that might not include him. You don’t need his permission to get on with your life and sort your side out.

Original poster

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 19:05

Hi @Itsanotherhreatday - I still have feelings for him. We’ve a long history and ut would, to my belief, be a lot easier to try to work at this rather than the trauma of divorce and all that comes with that, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Theypickedhim · 30/05/2023 19:13

Is a financial separation legally binding if you were to organise that?

Theypickedhim · 30/05/2023 19:15

Can you then simultaneously involve a Family Consultant to help the mediation / chatting things through

Hollyppp · 30/05/2023 19:21

If you leave him alone and stop bothering him he’s more likely to come back in my experience

Theypickedhim · 30/05/2023 19:25

Also search Lee Baucom podcast

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 19:28

I know a couple who have been separated over 6 years and are reconciling. They both have been in other long term relationships and have young children with other people.

Original poster

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 22:23

@Thequeenofwishfulthinking - that’s quite impressive! I’ve never heard of anything like that before, best of luck to them

OP posts:

Original poster

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 22:24

@Theypickedhim mediators will only deal with the legal issues. It’s still early days and I may feel different in time but still in the ‘I know it’s for the best but I want our family back’ phase

OP posts:

Original poster

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 22:26

@Hollyppp - he sort of said something similar to me yesterday, that I should have done that at the start. But we all act crazy in emotional times! Can I ask, do you speak from personal experience?

OP posts:

Coffeeandanap · 31/05/2023 07:40

You’ve got to let this go, for your own sanity and peace.
I've seen your other posts, he was horrible to you before he left & you were planning to leave him at one point.
If you did reconcile it wouldn’t be different, you would likely be miserable because of how he treats you and walking on eggshells waiting for him to leave again.
Direct all of your energy into looking forward to a life without him, don’t wait for him to come back please.

Enko · 31/05/2023 07:45

I know of 2 couples 1 was apart for 2 years then reconciled. Divorced 6 years later. Never to reconcile.

The other separated divorced was apart 10 years and reconciled until her death.

Receiverofrage · 31/05/2023 07:48

Coffeeandanap · 31/05/2023 07:40

This.

IncomingTraffic · 31/05/2023 07:52

I’m not sure that kindling hope for future reconciliation is going to help you right now. What’s important is the situation you’re in right now, not the rom com future where you reconcile after a decade and live happily ever after.

Deal with the separation and come to terms with it, both practically and emotionally.

Hollyppp · 31/05/2023 07:56

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 22:26

@Hollyppp - he sort of said something similar to me yesterday, that I should have done that at the start. But we all act crazy in emotional times! Can I ask, do you speak from personal experience?

It wasn’t a husband but a long term boyfriend. He broke up with me and I was devastated. I googled how to get him back/ how to love me etc. I was clinging to every story from other people on blogs about exes.
In the end it was about 6 months break and then we gradually started talking more - he remembered our good times etc. We got back together for another 2 and a bit years. Ultimately broke up again for the final time after that 2 years but it was for better reasons. Im glad we got back together to see it through to the proper end - I had more closure after the final break up.
He did say at the time, the break of 6 months to realise we had some good things together was helpful

Dery · 31/05/2023 08:42

“I’m not sure that kindling hope for future reconciliation is going to help you right now. What’s important is the situation you’re in right now, not the rom com future where you reconcile after a decade and live happily ever after.

Deal with the separation and come to terms with it, both practically and emotionally.”

This. I don’t imagine that it would have made all the difference if you’d left him alone to start with - it just sounds like it’s over and hanging on to the hope of future reconciliation is likely to be stopping you from doing what you need to recover. It’s natural to want that but not a good idea to feed that desire with stories of reconciliations.

WonkyPicture · 31/05/2023 08:43

I'm 5 weeks into splitting up with husband. I caught him in an emotional affair and kicked him out. It has been without a doubt, the hardest 5 weeks of my life, I had a breakdown. I have periodically held hope that we would reconcile but when I think like that I only think of the good bits of our marriage and about how it would make me feel in that moment. So now I try to think of how a rekindled relationship of distrust and sadness and insecurity would look like and I know I'd be miserable. I think of the boring/dull/angry moments of our marriage about how I really felt in those moments, rather than with rose coloured glasses. I know it would never work. It has now come out why he had this emotional affair, he was facing a trauma that he'd not told me about, he was trying to escape reality rather than dealing with it. I now just feel pity for him. He'll have to get on with it and sort it himself, alone or with this woman, I have no idea about her as she's insignificant to me. He had a wonderful supportive wife, a fabulous family and lovely home. He threw it all away, I didn't take it from him. I get to move on from the wreck of a man guilt free.

userhank · 31/05/2023 09:00

Nothing will change. The damage is done. Going back and forth is only preventing the inevitable.

Original poster

PotsnPan · 31/05/2023 09:46

Sorry to hear you’re going through this too @WonkyPicture - it truly is horrific isn’t it.

I wish I could focus on our bad times, and there were quite a lot, but I don’t seem to be able to remember and/or feel how I felt. As one PP has commented, he hasn’t treated me well and I wanted to end it myself in early 2022 - I’ve gone over the texts that I sent my best friend from that period and I feel nothing for him so not a clue why I can’t remember how I felt then or why I feel like this now.

are you getting the help and support that you need? I’m accessing support wherever, and on AD although not sure if they’re making me feel worse at the moment

OP posts:

WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 03:56

@PotsnPan I have found writing a journal helpful. I literally just pour everything onto a page, I've never been much of a writer and have never had a journal but I've filled about 200 pages so far. I've never read a single thing back and probably won't. But it has allowed me to purge my thoughts.

Original poster

PotsnPan · 01/06/2023 08:26

@WonkyPicture I've been scribbling all kinds down, sometimes it makes me feel better, but only for a short while.

I can’t seem to take the rosy spectacles off and I’m not sure why, as I wanted to end it early last year due to his behaviour. Our breakdown is due to his MH/behaviour rather than an affair.

how are you dealing with the practicalities, such as the house, bills etc? My H is currently continuing to pay but long term, I can’t afford our house on my own, and with mortgage rates shooting up, I’m so scared how I’m going to rehome myself and (young adult) DD

OP posts:

WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 10:22

@PotsnPan I've been in utter turmoil for 5 weeks, I'm not exactly sure how I'm living day to day, I have a pain in my heart, a physical pain. My mind can think of nothing else, I'm desperate for him back but I'm absolutely not, lol. He has been my focus in life for so long, I'm just not sure how he can't be anymore. I know this was probably one of the problems, it was a vicious cycle. His mental health was bad so I'd try to boost him, he wouldn't feel worthy of it so he'd get worse, so I'd try harder. I mean wtf! The affair is a symptom of the mental health, not the cause. I too have periodically wanted to end it due to his lazy and boring behaviour, but here we are!

House wise, I'm hopeful I can sort something out to stay. I can afford to keep it running but I will struggle to buy him out, but it's not impossible. I need mortgage advice as a matter of urgency. Husband was going to continue to pay until dd goes to uni, but he now has zero income, (major contributing stress factor to his escape from reality bollocks) so he can't be relied on, as much as he gives lip service about how hard he's trying crap. I'm up shit creek.

I know I can sort it but my brain fug isn't helping. If I could just clear some thoughts!

You're doing much better than you realise. Can you get a two bed flat, I know that's hard when you're in a lovely house, but it might be just what you need.

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