I can't do this anymore

[Newmum2018aug]

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like my mental health is on its knees and my children are suffering because of it.

To start with my partner is no help raising our two children. I have a 2 and a 4 year old. He works and provides financially but other than that absolutely nothing. My family doesn't help, I have only 2 real friends left but they don't have children. My partner is without a doubt a narcisst, I can't really talk to him about any of this because all I get is that his job running a company is 10x harder and I'm ungrateful because I have no money worries.

I don't feel like I'm enjoying raising my children, I cry most days because I can't take the screaming and the crying all day everyday. They argue constantly (which I know is normal) I'm up at 6am with them everyday until their bedtime. I can't remember the last time I had a lay in, or relaxed after all. I feel like I'm short fused a lot which was unlike me before children because I'm always so exhausted. I love them so much but I don't enjoy being around them 24/7 because I've lost all of me. I just exist for everyone else's needs around me. Cleaning or cooking food etc.
If I'm honest I've thought awful things of ways out of this for myself, I don't feel like I'm a good mum because I'm always burnt out. I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore and even writing this I have tears in my eyes. I wish I had help or someone to talk to.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but maybe just in the hopes that someone knows where I'm coming from.

Oh dear, i know where your coming from and its more common than u think. I remember when my eldest was 4 and i had a newborn its so tough. You do lose yourself and especially with a shit OH that doesnt give you a lie in or a helping hand. It does get better tho. Have you family that you can lean on

Aww babe it's okay to not be okay for one don't beat yourself up about it your basically single handily bringing up your two baby's by yourself I know how you feel my parter does not help out with our baby atall it's draining it's sad to say some men really are selfish and only think of themselves there is no point being with someone and being miserable you might aswell leave and be miserable your at rock bottom now things can only go up from here sending all my love and healing because woman to women we do alot you should be loved and appreciated x

I'm so sorry @Newmum2018aug it sounds like a really tough time, but it won't always be like this.

It's compeletely understandable that you're so exhausted. It's quite normal to be exhausted when you have small children, and you've got a DH who won't pull his weight, and the resentment that causes, to add to it.

You can start to change things now, in small steps if that helps...

Those friends who don't have children.... do you see much of them? Can you confide in them? Can they help with babysitting for the odd hour? Or meet you for coffee with the children every couple of weeks?

Can you see your GP, tell them how you're feeling. They may be able to help.

You said your family don't help... are you estranged, or are they unable to help or live too far away? If it's a case of they would help if you talked to them, then talk to them.

But really, so many of your problems are down to the presence of your selfish, uncaring husband. Can you start taking steps to leave him? Maybe get some legal advice to see where you'd stand.

Keep talking, on here and to people IRL where you can.

Look after yourself. Get plenty of fresh air and some exercise. Eat well. Enjoy your children. Think where you want to be in a year, 5 years, etc, and start taking baby steps to get there.

Big hugs. Can you get a part time job doing something fairly easy just to get you out of the house. Even if the pay only covers your childcare. It might seem like you can't manage it at the moment but I was in a really similar position to you and getting 'a break' at work really helped. Or could you join a gym with a Creche? You need some head space

You are 4 years in to what is basically (when done with no support) hard labour. No wonder you are at the end of your tether. My thoughts:

1. Will you 4 year old start school in Sept? This will be a game changer. You will get space from one of your kids for some of the day, and enjoy them more.
2. Sounds like finances are OK. I'm not sure what the free hours of childcare offer is now, but get your two year old into some nursery time ASAP.
3. I don't think it possible to have a happy relationship with a narcissist but maybe that's something to deal with once you get childcare sorted.

Imagine how different your week will be with one child in school and the other in nursery maybe a few mornings or a couple of days a week (I'd do a few whole days tbh to get some proper alone time).

So this phase will ease. You will get some time to yourself and your sense of self will return. You've done the hardest 4 years already. Well done.