Tell me your 'wise words' r.e. marriage

[itsakazoo]

Getting married soon. Been together a few years so I would like to think I have learnt some relationship lessons but interested to here yours:

My own advice to myself:

*Always be honest and transparent r.e. money and check in on it every so often (circumstances change)
*If wanting to discuss something serious / important don't do it if either of you is in a bad mood
*Keep some financial independence (stops resentment)
*For the stupid arguments sometimes it is just better to make up than agree who is 'right'
*Rather then jumping to anger, try to put yourself in there shoes and have an empathic point of view (obvious I know but hard when the red mist descends!)
*Play to each of your strengths with housework and chores and make sure you're both happy with the split

I see these are a lot argument related but I hadn't really done much 'conflict resolution' before I meant my fiancé 😂

Please share your advice for a healthy and long marriage. 🙂

My advice: Don’t. 😂

Advice I gave recently to a couple I know very well whose marriage is struggling “be kind to each other, ask yourself am I being kind and making this person feel cared about”
Its too easy to take kindness for granted, it’s actually something we need to consciously do.

Marry someone who likes the thermostat at the same temperature you do.

Communicate.
It's rarely about right or wrong, but about finding the halfway mark between two opposing points of view that you are happy with.

I might not agree with my H, but I respect his right to feel the way he feels over something and vice versa.

Respect each other. You don't get to take a bad mood out on the other - he's the person you love the most (after your kids) so why would you treat him with less respect than you'd manage for a colleague.

We never belittle each other, use namecalling or yell - not always easy if tempers rise but both of us are conflict averse and happy to park a discussion and come back to with cooler heads and having considered the other's point of view.

Here's one I rarely see listed: Respect each other's stuff, no matter how small how shite you think it is. You might hate his weird looking anorak but it's not yours to bin.

Never demand as a right what you could ask as a favour.

Keep a sense of perspective and a sense of humour.

Start as you mean to go on.

• Only marry someone who is actively keen to marry you
• Kids change it all. Marry someone who you know from experience will put others before themself when required - again: of their own accord, without prompting
• What they are like when knackered is what they will be like (or worse) when your kids keep you up
• The little annoying thing you have noticed will get worse, don't dismiss it
• They will do the annoying thing their mum/dad does
• Tell something once, at most twice then stop talking. They heard, even if they don't react: they might need a moment/hour/day/week for it to sink in
• Don't wait until the kids are 10/20/30 to reintroduce date night. Keep going out on the odd date, even if it's rarer

Men are simple.
They want food and sex.

Do not look to get ‘everything’ from one person- it’s not fair on them or you.

Respect each other's stuff, no matter how small how shite you think it is. You might hate his weird looking anorak but it's not yours to bin.

good one. I would dearly love to bin DP's beloved collection of awful patterned shirts but he would be heartbroken! 😂

• Have your incomes go into a joint account and have standing orders putting an equal amount of money into your own private spending accounts.
• Be open about money and generous with each other - both of you deserve to be invested in, your mental and physical well-being.
• Involve each other in all big decisions. Eg- don’t jump at that promotion without discussing it first to see how it impacts your lives together.
• Prioritise each-others happiness.
• Be ‘clean’ emotionally- ie - if something bothers you, find a way to discuss it and resolve it together, don’t let things fester.
• Have a laugh, flirt with each other and lighten the mood.
• Try to get your routines and habits to work in such a way that there are plenty of opportunities to quickly discuss/decide upon things - eg - if you like to have a run and a shower before breakfast and they like to have breakfast watching the news, time it so that there are a couple of 10 minute slots where you are both free.