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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is husband having an affair

25 replies

blondebird69 · 30/05/2023 14:37

been with husband for 24 years married 20. He’s just turned 59 and lately I have felt things have changed . A few weeks ago he said he was having a golf lesson and because he had previously said he felt a bit suffocated I checked his location which strangely he wasnt sharing so then I checked it on his iPad and saw he was outside a pub near said golf course. I drove there and sure enough his car was there. I felt sick I parked up for a bit and texted and rang him but no reply. I drove off for a bit then he rang and said he’d finished golf. I drove back to the pub where he was in his car and confronted him. He denied anything said he fancied a drink on his own and said his phone was in the car….he’s glued to his phone . I believed him and he was upset I’d accused him since then we’ve been more intimate and things seemed better.
he’s been saying to me we need to do more things separately and I need some hobbies we’ve also talked about moving house which he seems keen on.
My daughters friend saw him in M&S as well with a blonde woman turns out he’d bumped into her and they went got a coffee she’s a work colleague of both of our married and 56 and due to retire in two weeks. says he likes her company and wants us to socialise more with them personally I don’t want to. He’s always chatting to her at work and said they have things in common.
yesterday he took his phone to go to the toilet for a wee. I said did you take your phone he said yes I keep getting email notifications.
today he’s at work I checked his emails and found one from Etsy for a two heart bracelet with his initial and not mine but coincidentally this woman’s. Her husband has the same initial as my husband .

do I confront him about this when he gets home, I think he’ll say it’s a present for this woman but didn’t mention it to me as I know ger just as well and why would you buy a heart bracelet . I feel sick to my stomach

OP posts:
blondebird69 · 30/05/2023 14:41

Should have said husband is 50 not 59

OP posts:
YoSof · 30/05/2023 14:41

It doesn’t look good.

I wouldn’t confront him yet, he will lie. Can you get access to his phone?

Either way, the trust is gone and tracking then driving somewhere to check on your husband isn’t normal behaviour.

pyjamalife · 30/05/2023 14:42

I'm sorry but I would say yes, an initialled love bracelet would not be a friend present. They think they're clever hiding it in plain sight where she can tell her husband it's for him.

Eleganz · 30/05/2023 14:43

Sorry OP, the Etsy bracelets don't sound easy to explain away to me I'm afraid. No reason for your husband to be ordering them as far as I can see.

blondebird69 · 30/05/2023 14:44

I have looked in his phone and there’s nothing suspicious but he could text and then delete. I also noticed he’d taken a selfie of himself prior to an interview which is not like him I am assuming he’s sent that to someone I can’t leave this we are going on a family holiday on Sunday and I can’t feel this sick all night .

OP posts:
Namechangeed · 30/05/2023 14:45

Sounds awful OP. 💐

Get your ducks in order. You deserve better!

YoSof · 30/05/2023 14:46

But he’s clearly not going to tell you the truth is he?

firstmummy2019 · 30/05/2023 14:47

If he has an iphone, there is a way to retrieve deleted messages if he has ios 16. You can google it. This is a new feature which is catching a lot of cheaters out as many people were unaware of it with the new software update

YoSof · 30/05/2023 14:49

What phone does he have? If he has an iPhone, a fairly new one saves deleted messages for 30 days.

Go to the message app, click “edit” in the top left corner and then “recently deleted”.

If he has WhatsApp, go to it and press the button like you were going to start a new chat and it will bring up most frequently contacted contacts. You can also check archived messages there.

I think your marriage is over anyway due to the lack of trust, he may even have another phone but you could try the above.

Roselilly36 · 30/05/2023 14:55

It does sound strange OP. If I was in your shoes, I think I would have agreed to socialise with them, just to see how they behaved in your company, I am sure that would have told you a lot. They will definitely trip up. Good luck.

BreviloquentBastard · 30/05/2023 14:56

Oof, right up until the bracelets I was going to say this very well might be innocent, but the heart bracelet with their initials is a bit of a smoking gun isn't it?

No advice OP because I have no idea what I'd do, I'm sure some much cleverer sleuthy women will have great advice for you, but I'm very sorry for how awful you must be feeling right now.

CornishGem1975 · 30/05/2023 15:02

If he's not yet, it sounds like he would like to.

Gather your evidence, get your ducks lined up.

OhComeOnFFS · 30/05/2023 15:03

I would have waited outside that pub to see who he came out with.

It does sound as though something is going on, unfortunately. I'm so sorry.

blondebird69 · 30/05/2023 15:04

I have always trusted him but lately the comments bout feeling suffocated Spending too much time together , me needing to get hobbies and the not sharing location made me feel things weren’t right. He just isn’t the sort to do this sort of thing and I started to feel better and then this morning seeing the email I don’t know what to do. I think he’ll explain it as a retirement present for our friend but I don’t buy it . I know I’m going to have to confront him tonight but I’m worried he’ll get annoyed at me accusing him again and checking his emails.

OP posts:
LemonjeIIo · 30/05/2023 15:08

If he hasn't locked his emails off, and you can still see them, maybe he wants you to see them?? An excuse to leave?

YoSof · 30/05/2023 15:08

So just tell him calmly that you know what’s been going on, and you want an explanation or he can leave and then stay silent. Say nothing else - his reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he gets angry (classic defence) just keep repeating that you know and want an explanation. He will then panic and admit to the minimum. Don’t show all your cards, he will explain everything away.

Trust your gut, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Aprilx · 30/05/2023 15:19

At the golf / pub part of the story, I was thinking maybe it is something and nothing. Although I can’t imagine my husband ever saying we need to start spending less time together. But with the full story, no sorry something is up here. Nobody buys an ETSY bracelet with initials intertwined for a colleague and their spouse.

blondebird69 · 30/05/2023 15:21

I’m so scared to confront him but I need some answers . He only ever used to buy me jewellery like that so doesn’t make any sense except he’s not being honest .

OP posts:
caringcarer · 30/05/2023 15:30

I think the jewelry is the giveaway evidence. I'd not ask for an explanation the evidence is all I'd need to make my decision. Get a STI test and refuse to go on holiday with him. Instead stay home and get your ducks in a row, pension statements, marriage certificate, bank account statements etc. Book an appointment with a good and reliable solicitor.

CreepingJenny · 30/05/2023 15:34

blondebird69 · 30/05/2023 15:21

I’m so scared to confront him but I need some answers . He only ever used to buy me jewellery like that so doesn’t make any sense except he’s not being honest .

I feel so sad on your behalf how horrible you must be feeling 😞can’t offer any advice but I feel for you.

firstmummy2019 · 30/05/2023 15:40

I personally would not confront him yet. Follow the advice about retrieval of deleted messages, check card statements, internet history etc to gather more evidence. Unfortunately, cheaters usually gaslight you, so you need as much evidence as you can.

calmdoon · 30/05/2023 15:47

You can also see who has been sent photos from his phone.
You just go to the photo on the camera roll then at the bottom it gives you a list of who the photos been sent to or who sent it the the phone.

redheadcurl · 30/05/2023 15:53

Could the husband have asked your husband to order the bracelet? I doubt it but that might be what he says if they have the same initial.

doitwithlove · 30/05/2023 16:05

I think him asking you to socialise with the other couple speaks volumes. This could be to try and put you off the scent that they are having an affair.

Fair play to you op for going to the golf club and confronting him.

80s · 30/05/2023 16:06

Doesn't sound good, OP. If someone I shared initials with gave a heart bracelet to my partner, I'd be deeply suspicious: why would someone else get that for my dp with my initial on it? Nah.
My exh used to say that he didn't hear me calling because his phone was in his car boot. He'd never put it there before, not once. He also asked his secret AP to our home as a work colleague because he liked the excitement of the secrecy. And did things that were just about conceivably deniable but also a massive piss-take, again for the excitement.

I've heard of people confessing to their affair when confronted, but otoh it can also spark some major gaslighting and defensive attacks on your character designed to keep you focused on your potential faults, not his.

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