How to get ex to stop harassing me - TRO?

happylittletree · 2023-05-30T11:20:59+00:00

I left due to emotional abuse about 3 years ago. We have a young child together. I limit our interactions to the extent possible, but he emails and texts several times a week with long messages about nonsense, to make accusations, to make demands that I have to answer, etc. He recently showed up unexpectedly at our child's school on my day for pickup and confronted me with threats of court. It is getting to be too much and is affecting my mental health. I am considering sending him a message with clear boundaries (only email once a week unless there is an emergency, etc) and then seeking a TRO if he won't leave me alone. Does anyone here have experience with this? Ideas of how to approach the situation?

Whiskeypowers · 30/05/2023 12:24

Do you have a child arrangements order?

Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 12:28

@Whiskeypowers no.

Ex is threatening to take me to court to get one, but I don't think he really will as this is expensive. He wants a change in schedule (so he can pay less maintenance) and I disagree. I think his plan is to just bully me into it - he did this once before.

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Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 12:33

Ah - I see I should have called it a non -molestation order ...!

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HowRatherGolly · 30/05/2023 12:37

He is persistent. I would call Woman's aid, if you have not already. They may be able to guide you better in what to do. Also your local woman's aid refuge, you will find this information on their website. He is clearly not letting you go and you may be right in that he wants more access to not pay maintenance. Seeing this is affecting your everyday life now, and I gather you hate opening up your email now, I would perhaps log this with the police as well as this is clearly threatening both the emails and then turning up at school to berate you, odd behavior's, and that cannot be healthy for your DD.

Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 12:39

Thanks, maybe Woman's Aid should be my first port of call.

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letmeeatcrisps · 30/05/2023 12:42

I just got an NMO against my ex although the judge initially rejected it, the police pushed it through based on the fact he had assaulted me and broken bail
i would say go to GP to get the anxiety logged, make a police report, and speak to womens aid or refuge
if you get a nice judge they may grant one
(the judge I saw is a notorious (female) misogynist who routinely throws out rape / dv charges )

Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 12:44

@letmeeatcrisps did you use a solicitor?

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Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 12:52

Ah yes I had years of this and wish I'd stood firm much sooner than I did. Didn't go down the legal route but basically stopped reading or replying to anything that wasn't essential. Do not engage in any accusations or attempts to pick a fight. He wants a reaction from you - don't give him one.

HowRatherGolly · 30/05/2023 13:15

Your local womans aid may be able to assist you with the restraining order as this has been going on for so long. I would give them a call. You have all the emails and texts not to mention the how he acted on school grounds which shoves such lack of judgment on his behalf, respect for anyone else let alone you and his DD, and lack of boundaries. Traits he is unhinged.

Whiskeypowers · 30/05/2023 13:16

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 12:28

@Whiskeypowers no.

Ex is threatening to take me to court to get one, but I don't think he really will as this is expensive. He wants a change in schedule (so he can pay less maintenance) and I disagree. I think his plan is to just bully me into it - he did this once before.

There is no hope of a person like this being reasonable. If you don’t have a CAO they will spend every month from now until a court will let a child more or less decide for themselves threatening you. It’s all about control.
in my view anyone who abuses the other parent in any form is not a decent parent but that aside how is he with your so ? Is he responsible and consistent or not?

the more nights to avoid maintenance makes me laugh as they get a shock that the actual cost of raising a child half the time makes that grudging maintenance payment seem like a drop in the ocean.

hate to say it but in your shoes I would be taking this to court myself as you cannot live like this.

Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 13:47

Whiskeypowers · 30/05/2023 13:16

There is no hope of a person like this being reasonable. If you don’t have a CAO they will spend every month from now until a court will let a child more or less decide for themselves threatening you. It’s all about control.
in my view anyone who abuses the other parent in any form is not a decent parent but that aside how is he with your so ? Is he responsible and consistent or not?

the more nights to avoid maintenance makes me laugh as they get a shock that the actual cost of raising a child half the time makes that grudging maintenance payment seem like a drop in the ocean.

hate to say it but in your shoes I would be taking this to court myself as you cannot live like this.

Show quote history

My child doesn't like him that much. He is very hands off but shows up for important events. His new girlfriend (who just had a baby) does all the childcare for him now i think.

At present my child is very keen to see the baby, and has been fed a lot of propaganda about them being a family now, the girlfriend being a second mother, etc.

He probably drips poison in my child's ear and definitely pumps them for information, which he then throws in my face in lengthy emails which criticise my parenting and explain why they offer a better home life.

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Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 13:49

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 12:52

Ah yes I had years of this and wish I'd stood firm much sooner than I did. Didn't go down the legal route but basically stopped reading or replying to anything that wasn't essential. Do not engage in any accusations or attempts to pick a fight. He wants a reaction from you - don't give him one.

This is my new committed strategy. I'm not sure it will work, though, because he really wants to change the schedule and he never gives up. He got his girlfriend involved last time as well and I was fending off harassment from the two of them

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Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 14:01

It's really hard OP, I know from experience. But you will get stronger and he will give up (eventually) when he's not getting any reaction from you. If I were you I'd say something like 'I've told you my thoughts on this and I'm not discussing it with you again. If you want to take it to court, that's up to you.' You've said yourself that he likely won't because of the costs. As for his girlfriend, you have no obligation to even speak to her. Blocker her number and ignore - it's got absolutely nothing to do with her.

Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 14:08

@Floofydawg how persistent was yours? Mine has truly endless energy for this type of campaign.

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Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 14:14

Oh he harassed me for years and years. Multiple messages a day, on a whole range of subjects. His tactic was to bully me into agreeing with him, and he saw every little thing as a negotiation. If you don't stand firm now you'll have years of this.

FatherJoseFernandez · 30/05/2023 14:27

Go to see women’s aid about a non-molestation order or injunction with a condition not to contact you in any way, directly or indirectly save via a third part to arrange child contact. Then he can approach family court for contact order if there’s no family or friend who is willing to facilitate child contact. Other conditions I would think would be relevant are not to enter your road or attend at any place he would reasonably expect you to be. That would cover school etc when it’s not his turn to collect DC. If you called the police they could also do something similar on conviction if he was arrested for harassment. A hard as it is try to remain unbiased with your DC so they don’t hear negative things from you about dad.

FartSock5000 · 30/05/2023 15:24

@happylittletree send him 1 last text informing him that you are no longer willing to communicate by phone call or text message and he is not to come to your home or otherwise attempt to contact you in person due to his recent conduct and how you have been put into a state of fear and alarm as a result.

You inform him that he can arrange access to DC via [email protected] or you would be willing to use a mediation app if that suits him but he no longer has access to your person as a result of abusive, alarming behaviour.

Any further attempts to phone or text you or confront you in person will be reported to Police as harassment.

Then stick to that.

You don't owe him access to you. If he abuses the reasonable methods you've given like your phone number then he loses those.

The important thing here is to report the harassment each and every time he does it so you have a nice long trail of his conduct to show the judge if he does try to take you to court.

Look up Grey Rock Method in dealing with the emails too.

He will, of course, kick off but that is for the Police to deal with. You just need to be able to show a judge that you were reasonable and cooperative with access to DC, not to your self.

You could also seek a non molestation order but those are harder to get without a trail proving he has been abusing you.

Good luck, OP and well done for fighting back!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/05/2023 15:38

FartSock5000 · 30/05/2023 15:24

@happylittletree send him 1 last text informing him that you are no longer willing to communicate by phone call or text message and he is not to come to your home or otherwise attempt to contact you in person due to his recent conduct and how you have been put into a state of fear and alarm as a result.

You inform him that he can arrange access to DC via [email protected] or you would be willing to use a mediation app if that suits him but he no longer has access to your person as a result of abusive, alarming behaviour.

Any further attempts to phone or text you or confront you in person will be reported to Police as harassment.

Then stick to that.

You don't owe him access to you. If he abuses the reasonable methods you've given like your phone number then he loses those.

The important thing here is to report the harassment each and every time he does it so you have a nice long trail of his conduct to show the judge if he does try to take you to court.

Look up Grey Rock Method in dealing with the emails too.

He will, of course, kick off but that is for the Police to deal with. You just need to be able to show a judge that you were reasonable and cooperative with access to DC, not to your self.

You could also seek a non molestation order but those are harder to get without a trail proving he has been abusing you.

Good luck, OP and well done for fighting back!

This is great advice

Original poster

happylittletree · 30/05/2023 17:33

@FartSock5000 thanks, this is a good idea and along the lines of what I was thinking in the first instance. The problem is drawing the line as he refuses to plan anything in advance and we still don't have summer arrangements organised.

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