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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Exs’ GF contacted me on Instagram

20 replies

confusedAFnow · 29/05/2023 22:56

Something really bizarre happened and I’m not sure whether I just ignore it, or whether there’s more to it.

I have an Instagram account which I use to follow fashion pages and maybe about 5/6 friends. I literally will just scroll, every few months. I think I created my account in 2018. I just have a picture of myself on there as my display, and have not posted anything on my page. My page is also private.

Back in Feb, I received a DM. It was a private page, with no picture, no name, 0 posts. The DM just said I had a missed audio call. I didn’t even know you could make calls on instagram so I assumed it was just a bot and ignored it. I hadn’t received any notification on my phone about this call, it was only by chance I saw it.

Fast forward a few more weeks, I saw I had another missed audio call. Few weeks after that again. Another few weeks passed, again it happened. No message was ever sent with this calls. As my phone actually never rang, I just didn’t think anything of it and didn’t block the account as it wasn’t bothering me.

Yesterday I was scrolling through Instagram and saw I had received a voice message from this assumed bot. It was a female. The voice message just asked me if I knew someone from a particular town. It took me by surprise so I replied back asking who it was, and she called me. As I was in the chat, my phone actually rang.

The female asked me if I knew this individual and gave me his name. He was an ex I dated back in 2016, we got engaged in 2017 and shortly after I ended our relationship. He didn’t take it well and harassed me for many many months via email and then eventually stopped. We didn’t live in the same area so never bumped into each other and had no mutual friends. I got over the relationship, moved on and got married in 2020 to my now DH. I am happily married.

The female didn’t disclose her name, wouldn’t disclose how she found my Instagram account. Her reasoning for contacting me was, my ex had been badmouthing me and it didn’t sit right with her, so she decided to find me and just ask what I knew of him as a person, as she had some ‘niggling’ feelings about him which she couldn’t put a finger on.

I did tell her I hadn’t spoken to him since 2017 and just because our relationship ended badly it doesn’t make him a bad person and she should make her judgement of him, based on how he is with her. She disclosed they have been in a relationship for 4 years. She kept pushing and pushing as to why the relationship ended and it was very much so ‘he said this about you’ and ‘this is what he told me’.

I don’t know why but I’ve been thinking of it all day. He was my first real love and it was a hard breakup. For her to have found me on Instagram he would have had to give her my full name as that’s how I come up on Instagram. Why would he do that? And why would she spend a best part of 4 months trying to call me?

I ended the call politely and did advise her I am happily married and to not contact me again. I blocked her.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 29/05/2023 22:59

That man harassed you after a break up- why wouldn’t you tell her that?

something2say · 29/05/2023 23:00

He's being awful to her, yet says you were awful. She's clocked on that he has twisted things round and wanted to ask you for validation. I reckon you might hear from her again, maybe when she leaves him, and she might tell you a few familiar stories.... I don't think she or this contact pose you any risk.

Original poster
confusedAFnow · 29/05/2023 23:02

Dotcheck · 29/05/2023 22:59

That man harassed you after a break up- why wouldn’t you tell her that?

I think it was because she wasn’t forthcoming about herself. She wouldn’t disclose her name, or how she found me. She had created an Instagram account just to contact me. How do I even know she was infact his GF. At one point I even thought it could be a female he’s asked to contact me, just to see what I was upto these days. Who knows.

OP posts:
Reugny · 29/05/2023 23:02

He harassed you after you split but you didn't live in the same area so you were left alone.

He's exhibiting the same behaviour to her but worse. She's just trying to find out if it is as bad as hers.

barmycatmum · 29/05/2023 23:07

Yep - sounds like she’s starting to realize he’s a problem. :( hope she dumps him.

ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 09:47

No (sane) woman would bother to track you down and reach out in these circumstances unless the guy is beng seriously abusive or problematic. I can relate. My ex was abusive and sociopathic. During the relationship I became so concerned and so afraid of him that I felt the need to track down and contact his ex-fiancee -- in this case via Facebook. She was wonderful. She admitted that he'd been seriously abusive to her and that she had in turn discovered he'd seriously abused his previous wife before her. Her support was instrumental in me managing to leave this abuser.

Original poster
confusedAFnow · 30/05/2023 10:47

ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 09:47

No (sane) woman would bother to track you down and reach out in these circumstances unless the guy is beng seriously abusive or problematic. I can relate. My ex was abusive and sociopathic. During the relationship I became so concerned and so afraid of him that I felt the need to track down and contact his ex-fiancee -- in this case via Facebook. She was wonderful. She admitted that he'd been seriously abusive to her and that she had in turn discovered he'd seriously abused his previous wife before her. Her support was instrumental in me managing to leave this abuser.

She did specifically ask me if he showed me any sociopath or narcissistic tendencies. And I did tell her the truth. She didn’t go into much detail with how he is with her and I suppose if she had been more forthcoming about who she was, I’d probably have been a bit more open with her. I didn’t want to sit there and tell her how he was with me in great detail because I simply didn’t know who this person was. I feel a bit bad now, especially if she is being treated badly. I didn’t dismiss her, I was honest but I could have gone into more detail I suppose.

OP posts:
ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 11:00

@confusedAFnow I get how jarring it must have felt to be contacted by her out of the blue. Chances are though that she was genuine and in distress. When I tracked down my abusive ex's ex I was honestly terrified and afraid of him. Never in my life had I ever considered or felt the need to speak to a man's ex before.

Thankfully it seems you dodged a bullet with your ex and hopefully this woman will be able to get out too.

Original poster
confusedAFnow · 30/05/2023 11:07

ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 11:00

@confusedAFnow I get how jarring it must have felt to be contacted by her out of the blue. Chances are though that she was genuine and in distress. When I tracked down my abusive ex's ex I was honestly terrified and afraid of him. Never in my life had I ever considered or felt the need to speak to a man's ex before.

Thankfully it seems you dodged a bullet with your ex and hopefully this woman will be able to get out too.

It did completely take me by surprise as I just never thought I’d hear about him from anyone. We had been in a long distance relationship of over 200 miles and with it being so long ago I thought that chapter would have been dead and gone.
He told his now GF that I was his last serious relationship and he told her I owed him a few thousand pounds (which I don’t) and other really bizarre things which don’t make sense. She seemed nice and was polite. I suppose if she needs to contact me again she will.

OP posts:
ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 11:31

@confusedAFnow Wow, so he told outlandish lies about you! Do you think it's possible he has sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies like this woman suggested?

ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 11:32

@confusedAFnow I actually also reached out to the abuser's elder sister and she was like, "Yeah, he's abused other women too in the past. I would talk to him for you but then he'd abuse me too." !!!!!

GoalShooter · 30/05/2023 11:36

But how can she contact you again if you've blocked her?

IdealisticCynic · 30/05/2023 11:43

He is abusing her or at least displaying significant red flags which she is trying to investigate. I would unblock her in case she contacts you again and be completely honest about him harassing you after the relationship ended (which is abuse) and the fact that he has lied about you to her (which is what abusers do). It is perfectly possible that she wasn’t forthcoming about herself or the relationship because she is being abused and is scared.

Original poster
confusedAFnow · 30/05/2023 11:43

GoalShooter · 30/05/2023 11:36

But how can she contact you again if you've blocked her?

She made a whole new Instagram account to contact me the first time, so I suppose she would do the same again if she wanted to!

OP posts:
Lkgcsr · 30/05/2023 11:50

Well my guess is he’s being abusive to her and told her that in every other relationship he was perfect and the women were in the wrong and she was trying to find out if the problem is him or her.
I can completely understand why you responded how you did but now having a chance to reflect and see how she was reaching out to you would you consider mesaging her to say it wasn’t a very good end to the relationship and you don’t know what he’s like now but if she’s worried that she should speak to a friend or family member etc

Original poster
confusedAFnow · 30/05/2023 11:58

Lkgcsr · 30/05/2023 11:50

Well my guess is he’s being abusive to her and told her that in every other relationship he was perfect and the women were in the wrong and she was trying to find out if the problem is him or her.
I can completely understand why you responded how you did but now having a chance to reflect and see how she was reaching out to you would you consider mesaging her to say it wasn’t a very good end to the relationship and you don’t know what he’s like now but if she’s worried that she should speak to a friend or family member etc

Im not sure if I’m honest. She did tell me she would tell him she contacted me. Last thing I want is for him to start harassing me again because he’s not happy about anything I may have said to her. I’ll give it a few days and see how I feel. I did tell my husband and cousin about this and they pretty much said what everyone in this thread is saying.

OP posts:
misslooloo · 30/05/2023 12:41

How do you know it was his girlfriend? It could be him pretending to be a girlfriend. Stranger things have happened!

Original poster
confusedAFnow · 30/05/2023 12:44

misslooloo · 30/05/2023 12:41

How do you know it was his girlfriend? It could be him pretending to be a girlfriend. Stranger things have happened!

That’s the reason why I didn’t go into huge detail with her. She had a southern accent whereas he is from the northeast. I did ask her if she was from the south and she said yes. That’s all I got from her. If she had used her real Instagram account to contact me it would have been different. But she created a blank one just to conceal her identity.

OP posts:
ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 12:48

@IdealisticCynic Yup, probably scared! It takes really being pushed to the limit to feel the need to track down an ex partner and reach out to her like this.

ArtemisW · 30/05/2023 12:48

@misslooloo I think she spoke to her, so she'd have been able to tell it was a female voice.

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