Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I'm finally done with him

21 replies

UsuallyJustLurk · 29/05/2023 22:55

Buckle in, this will be long and probably boring but I need to vent and perhaps gain perspective from others. Sorry!

We are due to go on holiday tomorrow, uk break, me, DH, and 2x DDs. Very outing so I can't give every detail but this weekend has been very stressful due to car issues and has put the holiday in jeopardy. We still don't know 100% how it will pan out tomorrow but we've put options in place to maximise our chances of going and on time. Obviously very very stressful though.

I've been on anti-depressants for a few weeks and thankfully they've kept my emotions in check as usually I'd have been very tearful and stressed. But I've tried to be practical and suggest alternatives to ensure we get on holiday. DH doesn't deal with things the same way as me, he's an ostrich and finds my suggestions OTT when we don't know for sure what's happening so I've learnt to pretty much shut up to avoid a row.

Tonight the straw that broke the camels back was a pair of jeans. Fucking jeans! I have packed and sorted EVERYTHING whilst he cleaned and sorted the house. Not my priority but fine, he felt it needed doing. He went to try on some jeans I washed today and he insisted they've shrunk. I couldn't see how that was possible as I didn't do anything differently but he put them on to show me how they won't do up. I was shocked and so looked at the rest of the washing, all looks fine. Held them up against another pair of jeans in the same size and they are exactly the same. Showed him, but no, he's incredulous and repeating they've shrunk because he can't do them up. I explain that sometimes jeans are stiff after washing perhaps they will be ok after ironing. Then he started saying how it was always going to end in a row today, how I've been a "wreck" all day banging on about hiring cars to get out of our problem. I got angry, didn't shout but did stick up for myself. His parents even suggested hiring a car FFS but that's because they didn't know the whole story apparently. But it's ludicrous to even suggest it according to him. He keeps insisting the poxy jeans have shrunk. And I'm so hurt and annoyed that he's saying I've been off today when I definitely fucking haven't. I've cracked on and tried to stay realistic but with a cheery demeanour for the sake of the kids. Meanwhile he refused to talk to the garage because he "had the ump".
Urgh, typing this out had made me angry again! Anyway, he went off to shave and whatever, meanwhile I ironed said jeans like the mug that I am. Explained what I'd done and went off to bed.
Rationally I know we're both stressed and perhaps taking it out on each other, but I genuinely try to keep the peace and think he hates it when I stand up to him. Which I know isn't right. But if you asked him he'd say the same, that he holds his tongue and I have "issues".

Said issues are long standing depression due to our unhappy marriage and stressful job, we've not had sex for around 3 years and no longer share a bed. Originally die to my snoring but that's sorted now. The sex thing was him rejecting me, going back over a decade. I've suggested couples counselling, threatened divorce (but that makes me cold) because clearly things aren't right. But then we get along for a few more weeks/months and I can't face getting it in motion.

But after this holiday, I really think I have to. We can't carry on like this, there is such contempt from him and it's creeping up on me now. Thanks for reading of you got this far, not sure what I want from this but had to get it off my chest!

Hoping I get some sleep, anxious about tomorrow and getting off on hols... and now about this too.

OP posts:
Original poster
UsuallyJustLurk · 29/05/2023 22:58

Apologies for the typos, hope you can get the jist!

OP posts:
kirsty2023 · 29/05/2023 23:12

UsuallyJustLurk · 29/05/2023 22:55

Buckle in, this will be long and probably boring but I need to vent and perhaps gain perspective from others. Sorry!

We are due to go on holiday tomorrow, uk break, me, DH, and 2x DDs. Very outing so I can't give every detail but this weekend has been very stressful due to car issues and has put the holiday in jeopardy. We still don't know 100% how it will pan out tomorrow but we've put options in place to maximise our chances of going and on time. Obviously very very stressful though.

I've been on anti-depressants for a few weeks and thankfully they've kept my emotions in check as usually I'd have been very tearful and stressed. But I've tried to be practical and suggest alternatives to ensure we get on holiday. DH doesn't deal with things the same way as me, he's an ostrich and finds my suggestions OTT when we don't know for sure what's happening so I've learnt to pretty much shut up to avoid a row.

Tonight the straw that broke the camels back was a pair of jeans. Fucking jeans! I have packed and sorted EVERYTHING whilst he cleaned and sorted the house. Not my priority but fine, he felt it needed doing. He went to try on some jeans I washed today and he insisted they've shrunk. I couldn't see how that was possible as I didn't do anything differently but he put them on to show me how they won't do up. I was shocked and so looked at the rest of the washing, all looks fine. Held them up against another pair of jeans in the same size and they are exactly the same. Showed him, but no, he's incredulous and repeating they've shrunk because he can't do them up. I explain that sometimes jeans are stiff after washing perhaps they will be ok after ironing. Then he started saying how it was always going to end in a row today, how I've been a "wreck" all day banging on about hiring cars to get out of our problem. I got angry, didn't shout but did stick up for myself. His parents even suggested hiring a car FFS but that's because they didn't know the whole story apparently. But it's ludicrous to even suggest it according to him. He keeps insisting the poxy jeans have shrunk. And I'm so hurt and annoyed that he's saying I've been off today when I definitely fucking haven't. I've cracked on and tried to stay realistic but with a cheery demeanour for the sake of the kids. Meanwhile he refused to talk to the garage because he "had the ump".
Urgh, typing this out had made me angry again! Anyway, he went off to shave and whatever, meanwhile I ironed said jeans like the mug that I am. Explained what I'd done and went off to bed.
Rationally I know we're both stressed and perhaps taking it out on each other, but I genuinely try to keep the peace and think he hates it when I stand up to him. Which I know isn't right. But if you asked him he'd say the same, that he holds his tongue and I have "issues".

Said issues are long standing depression due to our unhappy marriage and stressful job, we've not had sex for around 3 years and no longer share a bed. Originally die to my snoring but that's sorted now. The sex thing was him rejecting me, going back over a decade. I've suggested couples counselling, threatened divorce (but that makes me cold) because clearly things aren't right. But then we get along for a few more weeks/months and I can't face getting it in motion.

But after this holiday, I really think I have to. We can't carry on like this, there is such contempt from him and it's creeping up on me now. Thanks for reading of you got this far, not sure what I want from this but had to get it off my chest!

Hoping I get some sleep, anxious about tomorrow and getting off on hols... and now about this too.

Tell him to piss off and wash his own jeans if it was me I would of put his jeans in the bin and told him to fuck off ur his wife not his fucking maid x

BritInAus · 30/05/2023 00:50

The really long section about the jeans/holiday could just be two people really stressed. Then the tiny paragraph about the decade+ long issues really sums it up. You have one life. Please don't waste it on someone like this. You could be so much happier without him - either alone or with someone else. Is this what you want to look back on as an old lady?

Original poster
UsuallyJustLurk · 01/06/2023 06:17

Thanks for your replies ladies, lots to think about

OP posts:
Dogsitterwoes · 01/06/2023 06:29

You both sound very unhappy in your marriage, and it's not just a phase. Your children will be picking up on this as no-one is fooled by the fake cheerfulness.

You only get one life is a cliche, but a true one. Choose happiness.

Zanatdy · 01/06/2023 06:31

You really do need to consider leaving this guy as he’s making you so unhappy. You shouldn’t have to not stand up to him to avoid a row. You do only get one life and living in a situation like that is not a happy upbringing for kids and they learn what relationships are like from their childhood. I grew up with parents who hated each other but wouldn’t separate and it wasn’t the path I chose when my ex and I started to realise we weren’t good together. Do you work? If not you probably need to start getting your ducks in a row if you are going to leave. Don’t be one of those people who always want to leave but never do, as guaranteed when the kids are grown up and they are left with their grumpy other half they will wish they’d taken a different path

Marleeeene · 01/06/2023 06:35

The jeans and holiday stress are just symptoms of the underlying issues you describe.

Think another problem is he presumably uses your depression and medication to project/shift blame? I can understand how that would be incredibly hurtful and annoying.

No advice other than if nothing changes, then nothing changes. What do you want to change?

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 06:41

The advice to women with a depressed husband is always to leave him. That no one should ever have to put up at all with a depressed mopey emotional man. And they would rip him a new one if he blamed his depression on you and the marriage.

So it does seem you should end this. If he posted I am sure the board will tell him the same that he shouldn’t have to put up with you and your depression and tearfulness, or your blaming of him for your own mental illness.

Tudorfish · 01/06/2023 06:50

@kirsty2023 why on earth did you quote the OP?

StMarysTrainee · 01/06/2023 06:51

Sheesh, you two are not right with each other and you know it! Life is so damn short, please don’t waste it. It may seem daunting but being on your own with your children is fine…I found it so much more peaceful mentally and just generally content, even though I had quite a large family so yes was busy. Your children are not happier with unhappy parents!

PsychoHotSauce · 01/06/2023 06:59

My only takeaway from the jeans saga is that he's started a row because he's put on weight, and admitted as much because he said a row was inevitable.

I suspect your depression would be a lot easier to manage without the added stress of him.

pilates · 01/06/2023 07:01

Yes your depression is linked to an unhappy marriage. Life is too short. You know what needs to be done😞

WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 07:04

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 06:41

The advice to women with a depressed husband is always to leave him. That no one should ever have to put up at all with a depressed mopey emotional man. And they would rip him a new one if he blamed his depression on you and the marriage.

So it does seem you should end this. If he posted I am sure the board will tell him the same that he shouldn’t have to put up with you and your depression and tearfulness, or your blaming of him for your own mental illness.

This is so true. My husband has been depressed for the best part of 5 years, on and off. God, I can't even tell you how draining that has been for me. My husband is insecure and inadequate and so boosting his ego has been my main focus. We've parted and now I don't have him to fuss over I'm lost. I don't want him back but bloody hell it's hard and frustrating. All that effort with zero appreciation is grating.

Ultimately though, I'm having to focus back on myself. That terrified me at first but I'm now starting to put a few things in place and feeling more free and motivated than I have in years. It's hard but I'm going to be ok. The husband can eat his damned heart out! He's already hit a major problem, he reached out, I initially tried to help but I've backed off now, he'll have to do it himself. If you're not with me, you don't get the benefit that come with that, lol

billy1966 · 01/06/2023 11:58

You sound deeply unhappy for a long time.

Your children will be feeling this.

Time to look at the logistics of separation.

HostaLuago · 01/06/2023 14:52

Don't you get fed up being the problem solver in your relationship whilst all he does is complain.

It's easy to be a critic.

I should imagine he is causing your depression.

Marleeeene · 01/06/2023 22:37

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 06:41

The advice to women with a depressed husband is always to leave him. That no one should ever have to put up at all with a depressed mopey emotional man. And they would rip him a new one if he blamed his depression on you and the marriage.

So it does seem you should end this. If he posted I am sure the board will tell him the same that he shouldn’t have to put up with you and your depression and tearfulness, or your blaming of him for your own mental illness.

I’m not sure what the point of your post is.

You’re commenting on what ‘usually’ happens on other threads. And? OP has asked for comments on her situation, not a summary of the average response on MN threads. What you posted was quite mean and there is someone struggling on the end of it.

Or are you just demonstrating you understand irony. Slow clap 👏

INeedAnotherName · 01/06/2023 22:55

I've been on anti-depressants for a few weeks and thankfully they've kept my emotions in check as usually I'd have been very tearful and stressed.

I suspect you are medicating yourself due to a bad marriage. Once divorced you won't need them.

Hope you are managing to have a decent holiday with the children Flowers

Original poster
UsuallyJustLurk · 07/06/2023 06:21

Thank you for replies and advice. Lots to think about. I think those of you saying the root cause of my depression is the state of my marriage are right. He is more supportive as a parent now the kids are getting older but he was a shit at times when they were tiny and the resentment built up. Being on the anti depressants has enabled me to have more clarity as my emotions are more manageable, if that makes sense.

We actually had a really nice time on holiday, I felt relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time. DH also relaxed and was happier, so less stress all round = no arguments. No sex but there was some affection between us and we bonded again as a family.

Will see how it goes now we're back to reality but ready to get the separation wheels in motion if necessary and will be letting DH know what's at stake if things continue as they were pre-holiday.

Thanks again

OP posts:
NothingbutaHounddog666 · 07/06/2023 06:39

Sorry OP, no sex for 3 years...your marriage is well over.

pilates · 07/06/2023 06:51

Glad you had a good holiday op but I have a feeling you will be back with another post further down the line.

Shoxfordian · 07/06/2023 06:56

One good holiday doesn’t erase ten years of unhappiness op. Divorce him

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread