What is this relationship?

[roundthetwist34]

I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years, for the first part of the relationship we had regular sex which then tailed off becoming less frequent until it just completely stopped a year or so ago, This is all him.

Otherwise the relationship is good, he does a lot around the house, shows he cares in other ways but there is a complete lack of physical relationship. He seems happy with this day to day.

It has recently started to cause some arguments between us as if I comment on it or try to discuss it he gets defensive. He has said in anger that I don't try to initiate anything with him, but that feels like deflecting.
Honestly, my self-esteem has taken a huge hit and I have convinced myself he just doesn't find me attractive and I'm the problem. I can't see any other explanation for this anymore.

Full disclosure, he had some problems with ED when he'd had a few drinks in the beginning of the relationship but he hardly ever drinks now so I don't think it's that?

I don't know what I'm asking for really, it's difficult to talk about in real life as everyone thinks we're so happy and normal but really I just feel so hurt and rejected all the time.

Is it me he doesn't want or could there be something else going on? Should I try harder? Or is pushing the issue wrong? I know no one other than him has the answers but I'd be grateful for any advice.

Well you can’t go on brushing it under the carpet, and it’s unfair of him to expect you to be in a sexless relationship without even a discussion about it.

You need to talk, calmly, and he needs to understand that it’s a problem for you but one you would like to address together.

If he can’t, or won’t, do that you need to have a hard think about whether you want to live like this.

Either he is embarrassed by his ED or he drinks more than you know of

I think you should make it clear that he needs to address the issue and if he continues to stonewall you, you will need to think hard about whether the relationship has a future.

I wonder if the ED thing may play a part, it definitely affected him at the time as you'd expect but I don't understand why he wouldn't want to try, in any way now. I'm not putting pressure on him but he knows how upset I am about it.

He also knows that I've ended up where I am, putting all the blame on myself and thinking so little of myself and that I'm unattractive to him. He just tells me not to be ridiculous or says we'll get back on track... then still nothing. It feels like he actively avoids touching me in case I think something else will happen.

We sleep in the same bed at night and there's nothing. Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on it when it's so good in other ways between us.

Firstly, it's not you. You want it and would have it if possible. It's not you.

My feeling is, this is how he is happy to live. It probably won't change.

I went thro this, five years. So happy in many ways, but underneath it, the thought that we hadn't had sex this whole year. And could I really be happy with that? In the end I started looking at other men and ended up breaking it off and being single.

Sex is important. I'm sorry. I think this is who he is and it doesn't suit you.

I'd just go with "whatever the reason, I don't want to live a sexless life, so let's end it". See what he says to that. 3 years and one of them sexless, that's crap. It also sounds like it was tailing off when you should of been in the honeymoon phase of the first 2 years, not good. Its not on you, it will be him, but there'd be more sympathy if he didn't turn it on you. I'd of left this ages ago tbh.

Maybe that's it, maybe he just isn't interested in sex and quite happy how it is but he knows I'm not happy with it and it's not going to be enough for me.

I've said to him before that maybe we just aren't compatible and then he pulls out all the stops in every other way and everything just feels too good to walk away from but there's still no sex and I end up feeling like this again.

Could I have made it too much of an issue that he doesn't feel comfortable to try, particularly in light of the ED. I don't know.

I had the same issue. He also had mild ED and he just let the sex tail off and I thought it was me. What he had not told me was the ED had gotten worse and he couldn’t be bothered popping the Cialis tablets daily and so, in his mind, that was it for him. No sex for him…or me!

What age are you both? what is the situation finances wise?
I'd walk away in your shoes.

We're both late 30s, both have children who he adores and who adore him. He's a brilliant support to them and also to me with them, I have children with SEN and life can be very hard going at times which he really helps with. He works extremely hard to provide for us, and his own children I really can't fault him in any of those ways. So why can't it be enough for me :-(

Sex is important. This is your life. He is making you miss out on something sooo important. It is a vulnerability. He is starving you. Such a shame.

If it helps I've met an AMAZING lover, five piv orgasms in one session kinda guy. Life is not over. But with this guy, this is how life will be.

Do you live together? How do you feel about splitting up??

Husband had ED, I thought I'd give him time. I thought I'd prove how much more love I felt for him than sex and that his mental health would get better and we'd be back to it. Well I was an idiot, he's had an affair. Now he's gone and I can't tell him these things. He just views me as his sexless wife when in actual fact I was gagging for it!

We do live together, I really don't want to split up but if this is how it's going to be then I know we will have to. I don't know if how I feel is a proportionate response to this though or if my lack of self-esteem is feeding the problem.

I'm so sorry about your husbands affair, I can only imagine how awful that must be for you! What a bastard.