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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Declining health, how would you want to be told

12 replies

HowRatherGolly · 29/05/2023 16:05

So this might be boring to most but I am still hoping you can advise me here.

Two adult children, DD who is in her 30's. DS who is mid 20's.

I have declining health with an illness that is for life. Autoimmune. Just this weekend was in ER diagnosed with pericardial effusion with swelling of the heart and some extra liquid, which is part of the bigger problem. So in the emergency room obviously in a lot of pain so was unable to let everyone know where I was and why. Eventually able to send out a message to my sister who then messaged family, including my DC. But I got totally told off for not ringing everyone and apparently leaving people out, aka my sister. My mobile happened to be in my jacket which had been taken off to to tests so could not reach it.

Although pericardial effusion is nothing too serious now, the declining health issue has robbed me of my job, my hobby, running, and I have been in physio therapy since 4th of April and its ongoing. within the past year my life has catapulted from a fit individual to someone who has had to dial down on life in just 1 year. Its a lot to take in.

My issue is that my DD is constantly gaslights me, speaks down at me, minimizes, and is cold when she asks about my health, and I tell her what is happening. Me having to go into AE was apparently a nuisance thing to do.

I have wondered if this is her coping, but then she speaks like this to her DP and DB too. In fact she is very verbally abusive and claims this is her being honest and frank. This is not isolated to ill health, but all topics. Its exhausting, and my DM is the same way. On the surface all nice to your face then as soon as your back is turned, well its just sad. My son hates it and tries not to see her due to this. We obviously love her so tolerate it.

So question as I want to understand it and know how to approach this if at all.

If your DM was unwell, how would you like to be informed? How do I approach this with her? Do I leave her out? Just say I am fine?

I do not talk about this with anyone and I am very private. This is not blasted on SM, and very few know. But my daughter, as much as I love and cherish her, is really making me stressed now when talking to her. Seems she has zero patient and empathy, I am not sure if this is normal for a 30 year old, or if I am just a crap mum for being unwell. I really love her and want to understand.

OP posts:

GiveupHQ · 29/05/2023 16:07

Clearly you and your daughter have a very negative relationship so the advice will have to be very much tailored to that.

on the basis of what you have said though - it would seem that whatever you tell her will have the same impact ie not what you want.

GiveupHQ · 29/05/2023 16:09

But my daughter, as much as I love and cherish her,

But also

and

In fact she is very verbally abusive and claims this is her being honest and frank. This is not isolated to ill health, but all topics

and

On the surface all nice to your face then as soon as your back is turned,

seems like you don’t really like her let alone love and cherish her

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 29/05/2023 16:10

If your DM was unwell, how would you like to be informed?

In A&E in a similar situation to you, however was easiest for her for her. I'd have no issue at all not getting a personal phone call and hearing through a relative if that was most convenient. I think it would be ridiculous to suggest someone in A&E should be bothering making multiple phone calls

AnyaMarx · 29/05/2023 16:22

I'm in exactly same boat op, auto immune disease and while I look fine , I'm having ongoing issues similar to you and my kids also adults minimise it and make out I'm exaggerating.

I live alone so life is very al different from a year ago when I also was fit and active, a runner , worked full time in a frontline role , now I'm like a little old woman and a shadow of my former self.

Ive just decided to tell my dd the facts and let her decide what she wants to do with them . I can't make her believe I'm as ill as I am . My dd has just bought a house so I get she's very busy but I've given up asking her to make time for me , every time I said I'll ring or visit she is too busy - so I just let week said ok we'll when you aren't too busy you ring me - Ive heard nothing since . Ds is abroad and we're in different time lines .
Ive tried to speak with their father as there are some financial issues we haven't sorted since splitting and I e explained I need my equity from the marital home as my job is not secure now due to my health and I need secure housing. He may have something to do with how cold our dd is being as she views him as the wronged party as it was me that left .

Right now I'm just trying to concentrate on getting a solid diagnosis and treatment as I'm currently stuck on a waiting list and not on treatment, and I'm going downhill fast .

Daylightrob · 29/05/2023 16:31

@GiveupHQ

I wouldn’t like mine if she was as awful as described. You can love your kids but not like them. Sometimes they disappoint.

GiveupHQ · 29/05/2023 16:35

Daylightrob · 29/05/2023 16:31

@GiveupHQ

I wouldn’t like mine if she was as awful as described. You can love your kids but not like them. Sometimes they disappoint.

But would you talk about your daughter in the way op does about her?

Original poster

HowRatherGolly · 29/05/2023 16:48

Thank you @AnyaMarx I think this is how I was trying to get to the subject but failing.
Its so easy to jump to conclusions that I dont love, or care for my daughter. I would not be making a thread about this issue to total strangers, if I did not care abut her, her well being, or how I accommodate her needs during this time and in future.
I am not English so cultural factors may transpire in my post?

Nevertheless I am after advise from people who have been, or are in similar scenario, not be berated.

OP posts:

aloris · 29/05/2023 17:15

OP is talking about her daughter in an objective way, in my view. If it makes daughter look like not a very nice person, maybe that's because daughter is, in fact, not a nice person. I don't think someone should have to lie about their child's behavior in order to be a loving parent.

flipperdoda · 29/05/2023 17:24

I'm around your daughter's age (I'm a little younger) and my mum is unwell with a long term incurable thing which also suddenly happened in the last year. I don't find out about A&E trips until after the fact! A little different maybe as Dad is with her so she has support there with her, but she defaults to not "bothering" us which does sting sometimes as I'm worried about her and want to know - but it's her illness and at the end of the day what's most important is that she gets the care she needs and the support she feels she needs at any given time, not whether I feel like I got told at the right time or not!

It sounds like there's a lot more going on with your daughter but if a friend of mine was acting similarly I'd be telling her to be bloody nicer about the whole thing!

Honestly it sounds like this is one problem on top of a pile of others given what else you've said about your relationship with her, but a possible solution to this would be a family WhatsApp group with your closest members and you put a message in there. Doesn't need to be a "A&E update chat" you can put other updates, photos in etc in day to day life but it also provides a way of contacting multiple people with only one message from you.

flipperdoda · 29/05/2023 17:26

PS it's okay to tell your adult child that they're being rude and you don't like being spoken to that way (e.g. belittling your illness etc). As a PP said you can love and not like someone. She's more than old enough to recognise you as a human being (not just mum) and put you and your needs first regarding this.

Throwncrumbs · 29/05/2023 17:31

I know how you feel, my oldest son acts as though my ill health is a massive inconvenience for him despite the fact I hardly see him. Cant be bothered anymore trying to explain it. Two other kids are okay though. I think it’s actually made me feel worse because it affects you mentally. Hope you feel a bit better soon.

saltrocking · 29/05/2023 17:45

Op I totally understand.

I have a serious health condition that will progress. I've gone from being very active and independent to needing help with everyday tasks. I'm in pain all the time. Im having lots of physio and appointments taking a lot of my time.

It took a good few years and a lot of strange symptoms that came and went before I was diagnosed a few years ago.

It feels like now my adult dd is fed up with me. If I mention anything health related they cut me off. I've been accused of faking it. I literally had to show her my consultants letter!. She's constantly tittle tattling behind my back. She's been very nasty. It's as though now I can no longer look after her with childminding, money etc...well I'm of no use to her anymore.

So I keep my health problems to myself. I don't discuss any of it with her. I'm in hospital tomorrow for treatment and if I told her she would be so cold about it. So I just deal with it by myself.

I too do not understand the behaviour. But I do know I feel better just giving her minimal facts.

I know how much it hurts op. As if we aren't going through enough

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