Early dating and going travelling - what to do

[bluebellxx]

Bit of a somewhat complicated situation. I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. It’s still early days but I haven’t liked anyone this much in such a long time. We have great chemistry, get on so well, have the same values in life and are on the same page re: marriage and kids. I’m 31 and he’s 36.

The last couple of weeks he’s had a bad time personally with the unexpected death of a close family member and he’s decided he needs to leave the country for a bit to get things back on track. From what he’s said he was a big traveller in his teens/early 20s so not totally out of character for him. His job can be done remotely and is super flexible so it’s quite easy for him to up and leave but still earn a wage. He anticipates being away around 5 months but is getting a visa for Australia (he has friends who live there) which I think is for 12 months but says he won’t stay that long as he needs to be back home for a big event in late November.

He did say he’d stay if I wanted him to but I don’t think anyone who ever says things like this actually wants anyone to tell them to stay so I basically told him he needed to do whatever is right for him. He says he wants to date when he gets back as he really likes me but would feel bad asking me to put my life on hold for him. He’s coming over on Friday night and then flying out on Sunday on the first leg of his journey and I’m really unsure what to do about things but clearly we need to discuss it before he leaves.

It’s still very early days and I think this whole situation is forcing conversations that ordinarily wouldn’t take place until a lot further down the line. My heart tells me to wait for him and give him this time (I get why he wants to leave and I do want to support him) but my head tells me it’s a stupid idea and it’s far too early to even consider long distance so maybe we should just see what happens and if we’re both single when he’s back we can take it from there?

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!

No don't wait for him, keep dating others, if you happen to be single when he's back, then review him then, but if he's the travelling type then you'll always have this problem.

To be brutally honest, if he like you enough, he would want to to stay and see how things worked out with you, then perhaps you could of joined him on a trip.

I don’t really see this as a problem. It’s so easy to keep in contact now.

Years ago, I dated someone who went abroad for 6 months and we had to keep in touch by snail mail - that was difficult.

You can speak everyday if you want to.

If it’s meant to be, you’ll both be single when he returns. If not, you’ve not wasted years of your life on the wrong person.

The situation isn't forcing conversations. He is putting the relationship under pressure by prioritising himself.

Don't use the passive tense: you are uncomfortable because of what he is doing. He's even trying to pass the responsibility to you.

This is on him, because he's not prioritising the relationship. That's not a fault in him, but he's telling you what's really important to him, and that's not spending time with you.

I think there is a good possibility that you are more into him than he is with you. I would just say have a nice time and let’s see where we are when you get back but I wouldn’t be staying in every night that’s for sure!

Only you know what’s right for you, but Dh and I had been dating for 6 months, having met working abroad, when visa and security issues meant we needed to move back to our respective countries.

We did 2 years long distance, an 11 hour flight from each other, flying for a visit a few a year. Obviously it wasn’t the most ideal situation and was stressful and expensive, but it was the making of our relationship. It meant we had a lot of time to talk and get to know each other, because we literally couldn’t do anything but talk. I eventually got a visa to move to live with him and we got married 3 months later. Near 15 years on, we’re still very happy.

I think it’s great that he’s taking some time for him (I’ve often gone travelling to get me through tough times), and if it’s truly meant to be, it would find a way. Would you be happy to go visit him? Even if you decide to keep things casual while he’s away.

It’s totally fine for him to want to do this

but you need to get the honest low down of this is an ending , a hiatus or what
will he want to sleep with others when away

I agree that there is a risk you are more into this than him

put yourself first to and only agree a plan if you feel comfortable

If his instinct is to travel (run away?) from life when he experiences a traumatic event then will he continue to do this if you get together? Will he want to go away travelling for 6-12 months every time he has a loss?

Personally if keep casually dating while he's away and assess where you are when he gets back.

I’m not really sure what you can do - he’s basically said he wants to go and that he doesn’t want you to wait for him (dressed up as ‘he would feel bad asking you to’) I would take this to mean he will potentially shag other people.
I think he’s not ready to commit or not that into you and you should move on and date other people and see what happens. If he comes back and he’s got it out of his system and you happen to be single then all well and good and see what happens.
it is annoying if it’s happening at the heady stage and you haven’t had a chance to find him annoying yet, will probably feel a bit like the one who got away but really he’s the one who took himself away

I wouldn't have any heavy conversations. He needs some space and has chosen to take it thousands of miles away from you. That in itself suggests you are not a priority right now. Doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but I certainly wouldn't hang on for him or seek any promises from him right now. And I wouldn't let him talk you into any promises either.

Focus on yourself for the next few months, as he is focusing on himself. If you meet someone else, that's fine. If not, see how it goes on his return. Stay in touch with him but if you are the one always sparking the conversation, let it go.

Let him off, wish him well, if he stays in touch that's fine, don't put your life on hold, continue to go out, date if you want. My db was seeing a girl for a while when he went travelling for a year, they both dated others during that year but are now long married with three kids (I'm glad they got together again, she's a dote). When he comes back, meet as mates and see what happens.

In the space to two weeks (albeit two traumatic weeks), he's decided to just bugger off abroad for 5 months when he's still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship? Yeah, that's not great.

TBH, I agree with everything @User63847484848 says. I wouldn't wait for him. I would wave him off and consider yourself single again.

Do you really want to be with a man who runs away every time life throws him a curve ball? In the last 11 months I have lost my dad, my younger sister and my mum...not once have I needed to 'travel' (run away!) in order to process these deaths...and I still go into school (Deputy Head) and do my job every day.

How does his employer feel about this?

Raise your bar OP and let him go...if this is even what he's doing! I'm so cynical about men these days, I don't even think I'd believe his story of travelling to be fair 🤷‍♀️

And I'm sorry - that's really shit

I agree with this. The first thing he thinks of when something bad happens is escaping.

I think you could be right about me being more into him, I guess I got a bit too invested too soon! It’s hard because he seems to give very mixed messages: Says he doesn’t need space and doesn’t take the opportunities to end things that I’ve given him but then tells me not to put life on hold. I know he’s going through a bad time so I should try to be understanding but It makes me feel like I’m going crazy sometimes!

Part of me does worry this could also end up being a repeat occurrence further down the line if things were to work out.

He’s a programmer so apparently as long as the work gets done they don’t really care where he does it! I’ve seen his flight booking so I know that part it true at least (honestly i’m a bit cynical too and have wondered if this is just a really elaborate way to cut ties!)

Thanks for the perspectives, I’ll just say goodbye on Friday and then see what happens when he’s away and reassess where things are at if/when he comes back.

Time to psych myself up to get back to online dating 😂

Avoid people if you feel they're giving you mixed messages. It'll fix up your boundary issues in one fell swoop.