Alcoholic father - need advice

[GraceLilly2016]

long story short my dad has been a toxic alcoholic my whole life. He & my mum divorced when I was 19 (I’m now in my 30’s) after years of him being abusive towards her, me & my sister… & him occasionally becoming physically violent with my mother infront of us.

he remarried an alcoholic a few years later, I had limited contact with him after having my daughter as I felt he was a bad influence & not someone you want around.

anyway, he drank himself into end stage liver cirrhosis.. he stopped drinking & became a different man.. called around, rang me.. was super supportive, paid for an operation for my daughter privately … very different person so I was willing to put the years of abuse behind us. he did so well he got a liver transplant he’s 5 years post transplant I thought he’s been doing amazing I haven’t heard from him as much but life is busy…

fastforward to today… his wife is leaving him turns out he’s been getting drunk for over a year in secret drinking everyday .. I’m so upset & so ashamed .. his wife is an alcoholic but says things have got so bad at home with him being physically & emotionally abuse she’s leaving him …

my problem is I hate my dad drunk .. I also hate that he’s taken someone’s organ to abuse it .. im so ashamed .. I’m also aware he has no family except me & my sister but I can’t go through what we did before, watching him dying, late nights in a & e, him being confused & disoriented, yellow & breathless it destroyed me mentally ..

im not sure where I go from here, do I continue contact or go no contact? Knowing he has no one?? I know if I don’t see him he won’t quit drinking for me or my sister & that scares me.. knowing it’s not enough .. where do I go from here?

Do what feels right for you and your daughter. If that's nc, so be it.
Speaking from experience, you can't change him, he has already demonstrated over many many years that his relationship with alcohol is by far the most important relationship in his life.
Protect yourself and DD from any (more) emotional abuse. It's traumatic I know, and I absolutely ok the walk away.

• it's absolutely ok to walk away

It’s shit isn’t it? You can’t win with an alcoholic who wants to drink, no matter what you do.
For your own peace of mind you could send him one message along the lines of I’m sad to learn you are drinking again, especially after a donated liver did so much to help you ( leave that bit out if you don’t like it) You know I can’t support you when you’re drinking and you can’t be the great dad and grandad you can be when you’re drinking. Please get help from your doctor or AA.

You know he can only stop drinking if he wants to and he has to make the effort.

I would have a cards on the table talk . Tell him he is loved when sober as he is a great man , but drunk and wasting the life and second chance with someone's liver he would not be a man you'd want in your and your families life.
Give him a few days to think it over and see him again to get an answer or by seeing him would probably give you an answer.
The thing is you have to act on it - still drinking or not seeking help - walk away.

Please contact al anon for support, they are there to help the families of people suffering from alcoholism and would help you manage this difficult situation.

It is okay to walk away from your toxic and alcoholic dad and besides which such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. His primary relationship remains with drink, not you people and its never actually been with you people either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

He may well lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. And indeed he has done. His alcoholism has already cost him two marriages and family estrangement and he is still drinking. Only he can decide whether he wants help or not and any further pleading message from you to get help won't work as intended. Therefore I would not bother because you can only help your own self ultimately.

The shame you feel here is totally and utterly misplaced so please get some help and support for your own self from Al-anon. Also look into NACOA, a link for them is here Nacoa: Helping everyone affected by their parent's drinking - Nacoa. Both organisations are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking.

Thank you all so much for your advice, you’ve made me feel a lot better & given me some clarity.. I think I still need time to think on what I’ll say but I think I definitely need to give him some home truths then leave the ball in his court.

he’s even disinherited myself & my sister & is leaving everything to his wife (even though she’s leaving him) - he even knows her will is leave everything to her children (whom I know) so that’s another nail
in the coffin on how little this man cares for myself or my sister.. I feel this is a seperate issue but just adds more to the hurt.

Only tell him the home truths if it will make you feel better and you don't expect it to change anything because it won't, he has chosen drink and until he decides to choose sobriety there is nothing you can say or do to change that.

He is not concerned about having no one in his life if he has drink so why should you feel responsible for someone who prioritises booze before you.

You are not obliged to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, walk away.

I wouldn’t waste your breath.

You have compromised enough of your own MH, emotional energy and time to date - none of which are limitless.

Your DF has taken so much from you already - your childhood, your self esteem and emotional well being. You are already damaged and wounded by 30+ years of this man’s selfish, toxic and dangerous behavior.

Every brain cell, minute etc you give him now is one less you have to conserve for yourself to be the best mother you have for your own child. Give it to them - to your own pleasure of fleeting motherhood.

Honestly turn your back and focus on yourself. Have a look at Adult Child of Alcoholics website to see the harm he has done and what you might pass on to your child. Focus on fixing the damage he did to you. That’s how to break the intergenerational cycle.

I wish you well and hope you have the strength to turn your back. That actually might be what in the end gets him to sort himself out.

@GraceLilly2016 I absolutely would cut contact. Tell him exactly what you have said here, that you were so proud of him sorting himself out but you cannot be part of his life whilst he is drinking again. I was with a functioning alcoholic once and I know how utterly draining it is. And for him to have been given a 2nd chance and then start drinking again…. Well I think that’s your answer. I’m sorry you are having to go through this, I know that feeling of relief when you think they are sorting themselves out and that feeling of your heart dropping when you realise that’s no longer the case. You need to look after yourself and your children and if you stay in your dads life now I think that will consume you again.

Thank you everyone for your kind words & advice .. @GloriousD, what you said really resonated with me, thankfully I’ve done a lot of work on myself, books have been my saviour especially ones around breaking cycles of abuse & being Intune with how my own childhood has affected me… thankfully I have a very positive relationship with alcohol, I’m a social drinker (special occasions etc) & thankfully my partner does not drink at all … I’m emotionally present, put her first, own up to mistakes … I guess one thing I have my dad to thank for is making me aware of the person I don’t want to be .. but you’re so right, without that awareness … I think I’d have repeated the cycle as, as a teen I was impulsive, self sabotaged & drank heavily

my dad has certainly taken too much of my life & time & I didn’t think at age 32 id still be dealing with this ..

@Shapemyeyebrows you are so right about the hoping someone could change i’m heartbroken whilst he gives not a single s**t xxx

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for the link I’ll take a look - this is actually his 3rd marriage lost over alcohol! He was with her before my mother & he also lost her due to alcohol! Thankfully she wasn’t daft enough to have kids with him!

you are so right about the prioritising & never taking responsibilities he’s never once admitted he’s an alcoholic or never apologised or taken accountability … I guess I’ve been holding out for a different person who I’ll never get

OP I was married to an alcoholic for many years and I know how horrible it feels to watch someone put drink first. Remember the three Cs (I think this is an al-anon thing)
I did not cause it
i cannot control it
i cannot cure it

i was afraid to leave my husband because he would lose what I saw as motivation to stop drinking. I wouldn’t be able to monitor him and check on him and keep him from drinking. But I couldn’t do any of those things anyway. And even when I did it made no difference. He drank or he didn’t drink. By thinking that if you go no contact you are taking away a reason for your dad to stop, you are giving yourself a responsibility that isn’t yours.

I could have written this about my Dad. The abuse, parents divorced, cirrhosis, transplant, relapse. It's hard.

I see it like this (and maybe this will help you with some kind of acceptance)....since his transplant I've just accepted that he drinks and I can't change it. If a near death experience isn't going to change him, nothing will. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It's an addiction and he can't help it. I don't agree with it but I'm not wasting anymore time arguing over something I can't change. I have my life with my children and my partner, he has his life and as long as it doesn't affect me then that's ok.

I've put some really clear boundaries in place that I'm comfortable with. I don't drink with him and I spend very short periods of time with him if I see him (usual 1hr max). I usually see him in the day and if he's too drunk I leave, if he acts up I leave etc etc.

Seems to be working ok for me but we do still come to blows every now and then. My dad is really hard work when he's sober though so I actually prefer him after 1/2 drinks.

Sending love x

@GraceLilly2016 You’ve done great to have made so much progress. I would continue to focus on yourself and see if you can work on grieving the DF you should have had, the childhood you should have had.

Accept the situation as it is, as you know how it will progress and then adapt to get on positively with your own life.