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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone played the long game to leave?

7 replies

Batteredmarsbar · 28/05/2023 23:20

My relationship is not working.
largely due to my partners behaviour. I can’t leave the relationship right now for a number of reasons but I need to prepare to end it when the time is right.
How do I go about preparing to leave or at least having a means of leaving should it become completely unbearable to stay in this relationship.
we don’t have any joint accounts, we rent our home so no mortgage to worry about.
just need to make sure the kids are okay really.
any advice on how to prepare or anyone that’s done it that can give me advice?

OP posts:
CannotDoThisAnymore · 28/05/2023 23:39

Start saving, get documents together, take stock of joint savings, pensions etc. are you married?

raysan1 · 29/05/2023 01:15

Calculate child support payments, Save money, document everything, report behaviour to school, health visitor, etc and make sure it goes on the record (a police report if coercion or abuse).
If you're married ,try to get his copy bank statements. Have an emergency bag packed for you and kids.
Bear in mind it can take a month or two to rent a new place if you have to. Would you feel safe him knowing where you live, as that might be another consideration.

Once separated, the starting point for parenting split is 50/50. Sorry. It comes as a shock to so many people.

raysan1 · 29/05/2023 01:16

@Batteredmarsbar , why can you not leave now?

Batteredmarsbar · 29/05/2023 03:39

raysan1 · 29/05/2023 01:16

@Batteredmarsbar , why can you not leave now?

a number of reasons that I won’t go into plus I’m just not ready. I’ve given it a block of time to get better but want to be prepared in case it doesn’t or it gets worse.

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/05/2023 03:50

Do whatever you can to put yourself into a position where you can earn good money.

Whether that means a new job so that you're not working night shifts, undertaking training to get a qualification, or doing a demanding job/traineeship or take on a time consuming role for a couple of years to break into a new industry while someone is there to help with childcare, with a view to taking it easier in a few years time.

Set yourself up a "running away fund" which can cover deposit, several months of rent and some furniture etc so that you can physically leave.

You say "partner", not husband? If you are not married then make sure you have a separate bank account now. Whatever you save is yours and won't need to be split.

Check that there are no keyloggers or spyware app on phones, tablets and laptops. Change passwords etc. once you start planning however much you try to hide it your behaviour changes and these guys tend to notice it. Make sure you lock down all your devices so that he doesn't have access to them.

Any valuable documents should be copied and be stored away from home so that he can't hide them from you. Passports and birth certificates - originals. Any financial details for joint assets, copies. If you have joint savings in his name try to get access to your half.
If you have sentimental items, again store them away from home so that they don't get damaged/destroyed if he gets vindictive.

SullysBabyMama · 29/05/2023 03:53

His National Insurance Number is helpful for Child Support. Photo it off a document.
Also proof of his earnings as he will no doubt lie about this when you try to sort child support civilly between yourselves.

Batteredmarsbar · 29/05/2023 10:09

Thankyou.

OP posts:
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