This is a long story which I'm trying to make as short as possible.
I left h about 8/9 years ago. We have 3 children. I left with nothing apart from the kids and he stayed in the 'family' home which we'd bought but he was only named on the mortgage and deeds (not sure exactly why).
There was no physical abuse but I relied on him financially for everything as I was a SAHM back then and he preferred I stayed at home. I did try to work but the childcare fees were not worth it (his words).
I didn't really have any money to myself and I even had to pay for my own driving lessons and car out of the money my nan left to me when she died. H was in a good job at the time (80K/year) but we never had a shared bank account.
He was becoming quite difficult to live with. Often didn't talk to me for days and I had no idea what I'd done wrong. He was very critical of anything I did like cooking, cleaning etc even though he never did any himself. He even commented sarcastically on how I dressed the children.
When I got pregnant with my son (3rd), he wasn't happy and encouraged an abortion. I was ready to ring up and make the appointment but couldn't go through with it. After this, he was distant again and wouldn't talk about it. I felt very lonely in that pregnancy knowing he didn't really want it.
I got a lot of silences, tutting and muttering from him but never any real conversation. I was pretty broken by it all even though I couldn't make head or tail of it.
He didn't like my driving instructor (older man) and would get annoyed if I was back late. Didn't like me going out without the kids (so I hardly ever did). Got very annoyed with a person who I'd opened the door to to talk about free insulation (which we really needed) and we were talking about it when he came home. He basically made him leave straight away and left me very embarrassed. This kind of thing happened quite regularly.
I know he was working long hours, probably tired and stressed but I couldn't really put up with it any more.
Anyway, I left and went to my mum's which was about 4 hours away. I stayed there for a while then started renting nearby.
I tried to go to mediation and he agreed but suddenly pulled out at the last minute when I sent him the papers he needed to fill in for finances.
I knew my bills from the solicitor were going to go up and I really had no money back then. I quit seeing the solicitor and just left it.
A few years later he sold another house he had and said he'd give me some as a deposit for a house. I found a house, sorted a mortgage and went through hard credit checks only for him to pull out last minute and say he thought he'd 'invest' it instead.
I was able to buy my own place with help from my mum eventually and got a mortgage based on the maintenance he gave me (not court ordered), my income and some UC to top up my income.
He quit his job and decided to work on a project at home. I think he must have been living off the money from the house as this generated no real income.
Early this year, he said he'd start looking for a job again. He still hasn't found one and has no money left.
He's had to take a mortgage holiday and has told me he won't be able to afford maintenance payments until he finds one or his house sale has gone through. This is going to put a huge dent in my finances just when I need to get a new mortgage as my house has recently sold.
I don't think I'm going to get one now tbh and I don't know how I'm going to manage in the coming months.
He's said once his house has sold, he'll give me some or we can buy a larger place together to ease finances and we'd be able to buy cash with no mortgage. He also says he's been depressed recently at not finding work etc.
I really don't know how on earth he's been out of work for so long and not see this coming and I'm not sure exactly where the money has all gone from the house he sold 4 years ago although with paying his own mortgage and bills, I guess money would run out.
I really need to move with the children but because finances are about to change significantly, I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
I don't know whether to believe him and hope he's changed or whether this is just another ploy at controlling me. Before, he'd never disclose how he was feeling but he told me last week he was feeling very down about it all.
I still feel guilty sometimes about leaving and I am a people pleaser. I hate seeing people upset or upsetting people but this has not always been a good thing for me.
A few years ago, I registered an interest in the property. Now, as he's selling I need to remove it. I either have to trust him and take it off or I leave it and know he won't be able to help me financially from now.
I'm confused as to what to do. I've had really bad anxiety this year as well as health problems and I'm feeling quite low myself. In some ways, it would be nice to have someone around as I have had anxiety when I'm on my own in the house with the kids.
So, do I wait until his house has sold (and he has had offers this week) or do I go my own way now and hope he'll contribute further down the line?
Also, he refuses to get any benefit help. I asked if I could ask a friend (husband in similar line of work) if her husband had any ideas about where he could look and he got annoyed at me asking telling me to stop trying to find him a job.
I'm working 34 hours a week with 3 children on a low income. I've done this since we've been separated. I've had to take work below my skill set to fit in with school and do everything else on top. I feel a bit resentful he's been sat home 'working' for the last few years on a project that has been fruitless and now he won't even try to get help when he really needs it.