Why does this bother me so much?

[MoonlightLily]

My ex doesn't bother with our children never has since we split never been to their school never had them overnight doesn't care about how they are doing, nothing. It really angers me and I feel jealous of people with involved exes but everyone tells me that I'm lucky he doesn't bother. I really can't feel that way at all its hurtful to see my children having a dad that doesn't care about them. I feel bitter towards people that have active involved exes I know I shouldn't but I can't help it and it's eating me up that I chose such an awful father, I guess I feel a sense of shame? To have children with someone who doesn't care about them is embarrassing. Its been years and it hasn't got better. How do I move past this?

I understand this completely. That is awful for you. My ex is the opposite and I have to fight sometimes with myself to be glad that he cares so much as I lose so much time with my kids. But I know it's the right thing. It must be awful having a hopeless father for an ex, so hurtful both for you and for them. You know they deserve more, and so do you. Very hard to be the only constant parent. I can't help, but I am cheering you on in all that you do, every day, being the only one that cares. Be so proud of yourself while feeling the shame for him. You are the one doing it right.

Thank you for your kind words i honestly think it reflects badly on me like I must be a bad person for my ex to not want to see our children. I keep beating myself up for the mistake I made and feel jealous of people that picked "better" i see peoples exes fighting to see their children then i think of mine who doesn't care about them and makes me question how I could end up with someone like that as their father.

How old are your children now?

I think you just have to accept he's a twat & remember that many don't show their true colours until it's too late!

every time a negative though pops up, just remind yourself that you're 'enough' for your kids! Work on building a 'team'wuth your kids & building your life up.

your kids won't hold it against you that their father is a twat!

It doesn't reflect badly on you ; you've done nothing wrong and your children are lucky to have you.
My friend's dd split with her partner when their child was 8 years old. He was up until then, a brilliant, hands - on , loving father. Now, nothing. Child is 13 now and in weekly counselling to deal with her father's rejection. It's truly heart breaking.

It comes up a lot for example i had an interview with my sons secondary school and they asked if I was a single parent and I just felt shame he then accidently filled in my mums details as the second parent instead of emergency contact so had to call someone over whilst they loudly discussed there was no second parent and I just feel judged for having an ex that has no involvement. It feels odd having children with someone who doesn't bother with them.

You didn't chose a crap.father he chose to.be one all.by himself

@MoonlightLily , it always fascinates me when I hear single parents say they feel ashamed or embarrassed by their situation. The single parents are the ones who stuck around !! The ones who are working their backsides off to make sure their children are fed, watered, nurtured. You all deserve the utmost respect.
I think you feel sadness more than anything. And that is completely natural and understandable.

Well for many years there has been a stigma towards single mums and I still feel there is judgement now just less obvious. My ex doesn't feel embarrassed or judged as no one knows he has children he doesn't tell people.

Just remember that it’s very unlikely your children will ever want to have anything to do with their father when they are adults.

But they will know and remember anything you have done for them. That will be forever. So every time you feel bad imagine you and your children and possible grandchildren all together in the future. You could go further and imagine him as an old lonely man with no children to care about him.

Dont feel a failure because you married a dick. Look at the relationship pages on mumsnet, there’s an awful lot of us with substandard men. You are not the only one. I did it too.

Whenever I hear the words Single Mother, I always think to myself, yes the one who stayed to look after the children.

My father pissed off when I was 5, it was never my mothers fault that he couldn’t be arsed to get in touch.

The fact he doesn't tell people he has children pretty much sums him up as a parent.
It's hard being a single parent, I was one myself. My kids have no contact with their bio dad (their choice). It's much better to have no dad in their lives than a useless one that will mess them up forever which is what I'm dealing with now.
I met someone else, married and had another dc. My only regret is keeping their dad in their lives as long as I did

I won't be able to meet anyone else I'm with them all the time no family, nothing. Feel stuck in my situation whilst he lives life as if he never had kids

Continue to make wonderful memories with your children. Being a single parent is damned hard, I’m one myself and never imagined my husband would leave me when I had kids with him, but he has and I just have to get in with it. You just have to do your best, it’s what they deserve. I think children are very intuitive and they will appreciate all you do for them. They grow up fast so if you don’t feel you have time for anything else at the moment, you will at some point. Hugs 🤗