How often do you see your long-term DP if you don’t live with them?

[Poppoplight]

We’ve been together for coming up to three years, both have two DC, two of whom are autistic. We tried early on to do stuff with the DC but it just doesn’t work so now we’ve removed them from the equation and only see each other without the DC.

DP has their children 50% of the time and I have mine nearly all of the time. We see each other at least one full day a week, plus a couple of evenings and every other week we have a full day at the weekend and sometimes an overnight too. So we see each other 3/4 times a week. We don’t always speak on the days we don’t see each other - is that unusual? Sometimes after work I think we both feel too drained and then have our respective DC. We WhatsApp a lot and are in touch quite a bit.

This is fine for us but my friend was saying you’d expect more after three years. I feel like the DC have to be the priority and they are still young so right now this is ok.

How much contact would people think would be normal? I know by now a lot of people would be considering living together but I really think that would be a recipe for disaster and would come at the cost of the DC’s wellbeing on both sides.

If you're prioritising dc and you're both happy with the relationship that's all that matters.

Managing to see him 3-4 times a week without your dc when you have them almost fully time is already quite impressive

My sister and parents will babysit for me a night or two a week. I’m fortunate in that regard! Or he will come here if he doesn’t have the DC and mine are in bed.

I do about the same as you, I see him on 2-4 nights a week when the kids aren’t with me. Spend one weekend day together. When not together we message each other.

My friend thought it was weird that we don’t always talk on the phone if we’ve not seen each other that day - and earlier on we did do that.
But now we often find it easier to message back and forth and talk in person when we see each other. Both of us get interrupted by a DC usually if we call 🤣

It depends if it works for you. I would want to hear someone's voice each day though...

3-4 times a week in your situation actually seems quite a lot, not too little.

As for speaking daily, that's a matter of personal preference. It wouldn't matter to me at all if I was seeing them that frequently.

This is fine for us but my friend was saying you’d expect more after three years. I feel like the DC have to be the priority and they are still young so right now this is ok.

Also, if anything I'd expect a bit less after 3 years than I would after, say, 6 months when the novelty is still strong. And it's healthy not to be so dependent on each other that you feel the need to be constantly with each other or talking on the phone. It's your friend who has an odd perspective imo.

Who cares what your friend thinks? Are you and DP happy? Are the dc happy? Then that’s all that matters!

What works for you works, there is no right or wrong. You seem to see and be in touch with your DP more than I was with mine before we moved in together. We only saw each other 2 times a week and texted a bit in between with a 5 mins call after work.

Neither of us love the phone…

I've been with my DP for 5 years. I've got a 15 year old DS doing GCSEs who goes to his dad's every Thursday and every other weekend. He's got a 12 year old DD who he sees every Wednesday and every other weekend. We live about 45 minutes apart.

We see each other every other Thursday and every other weekend (Friday night to Monday morning) when our DC's are with their respective parents.

This works great for us as at the moment we're prioritising our DC's. We've got no desire to move in together and it wouldn't be possible as we live in different cities.

My friends might think it's weird but have never said so. I think your friend should mind their own business.