Toxic parents

[lovenotwar149]

Hi,
I posted a thread about this in Feb 22. Its a year and a bit later and the contact is far less now. It has been reduced to the odd whataspp msg between my mum & I. Roughly every 5/6 days. She messages and I reply.
The messages have been random , unpredictable and contradictory too.

E.g. "Sleep well baby."
"Dont you miss you mum?"
"Why are you so bitter?"
" I miss you." etc etc

Also have received 2 calls in the early hrs of the morning. (Didn't see then til the morning as my phone was on silent.)
I feel incredibly sad about the situation. Whilst I am much more at peace as there are now no arguments in person between them and I am not in their company at all so dont hear their continuous criticisms/put downs. On an individual level and in my own relationships with my 3 sons and husband, things are good. More challenging with my hubby as he is very uncomfortable about cutting oneself off from their parents even though he is very aware of their continuous criticisms as he too has been the subject of them over the yrs too. There is still a sadness for me. Real sadness.

I wondered how people would handle these current msgs I am receiving?
I am due to change my mobile num in a few days and it almost seems weird to actually pass on my number to my mum as the contact is so distant now.
Any thoughts?

I also have a concern that my parents might just knock on my door. I live 15 mins walk away. I am very concerned about that.

You do not have to reply to any of her messages. Doing so anyway invites a response and keeps communication open, shut that door completely.

Perhaps on some level you still hold out hope that your parents will change and become nicer people/apologise to you fulsomely etc. Its not going to happen.

Drop the rope she holds out to you here. Your parents were not good parents to you when you were growing up and neither have changed. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

If they turn up on your doorstep you do not have to let them into your home.

Would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

Think about your boundaries here with regard your mother; how else can they be strengthened?.

Do not pass on your new number to your mother.

Your H likely has emotionally healthy parents so would anyway feel some discomfort about cutting parents off - but that is his issue and besides which his parents are not yours. You've known them a lot longer than he has and indeed you lucked out here in the parents stakes.

Thank you very much for replies.

Perhaps on some level you still hold out hope that your parents will change

Yes I think I am still hopeful to a VERY small extent now. Rationally I KNOW it won't happen, I KNOW.
I had 2 dreams recently. 1.) I received a hug and an apology from my dad/older sis.
2.) I invited all my family over for a meal and they ate, drank and ignored me throughout and didn't even say goodbye when they left. I was distraught thereafter when they left. ( I think that dream is very telling.)

Good advice re my new phone. I dont know if you can relate to this but the more out of control my mum feels the more her unpredictable behaviour. So If I dont give her my new number, her fear/control steps up and she can be rageful. I am sure she has a personality disorder. I have suspected it for years and years.

I received similar sorts of messages. Yes, often in the middle of the night.

I made it very clear that I’d given her many, many opportunities to work on our relationship. In the end, it turned out that she’d been telling some very nasty lies about me and why she no longer had a relationship with us or could see her grandchildren. Apparently, I stole a lot of money from her and disappeared. 🙄The actual reason is that she was and still is in a relationship with a man convicted of child sexual offences who she tried to provide unsupervised access to my children. Fuck that.

I told her that there was no chance of us ever having a relationship again and to never contact me again. This has mostly worked. I might hear from her 3x a year now. When I was being constantly bombarded like you are, I lived in this frazzled panicked hyper vigilant state all the time. It was hell. It truly destroyed me. My life is pretty peaceful now and I don’t feel anything when she very rarely messages me. I just ignore and leave the messages unread.

A more peaceful life is definitely where I am heading. thanks for reply!