How do I stop worrying about H's influence on children?

[howtocope]

H and I are newly separated. DCs are late teens and early 20s. Youngest lives with me, oldest lives with a partner in their own flat.

Now that we're apart I've done a lot of reflecting (and a lot of therapy) and I think one of the reasons I stayed with H was so that I could be a buffer between him and the children. He's not violent but he's an unhappy person. He's grumpy and very self-focused and he has a lot of issues around food and health. I've posted on here before about his crash diets. He's also very gullible, tipping into believing weird conspiracy theories, especially around food and health.

Since separating, he's made more of an effort with the kids. For the DC's sake, I'm glad, as I think they sometimes felt rejected by him. The problem I'm having is that they're now getting him unfiltered. DD saw him yesterday and he's started wearing a glucose monitor (not diabetic, not pre-diabetic or anything) and was saying that death is just a disease that can be cured. DD mostly just finds it weird, but I worry that his attitude will affect the DC's.

Through counselling I've come to think the issue is that H has very low self esteem that tips into narcissism. He's also very afraid of death. The irony is that the crazy diets and the constant gaining and losing of 40lbs or more is probably doing more damage than anything. He can be very irrational. He also has massive anxiety and I don't think the monitors help. He used to use a sleep monitor and if he got a low score (even if he felt he'd slept well) he'd fret about it.

Sorry this is so long.

My question is, how do I manage my concerns about H's impact and influence on the kids. I don't want for either of them to develop his anxious attitudes towards food & health (so far, they haven't but maybe that's because I was always running interference before?) I also don't want them worrying about him. He is utterly shameless and uses guilt to try to manipulate them into spending time with him. Are they old enough to make up their own minds? Being with H negatively impacted my own self esteem and I hate to think of the DC's going through the same.

Your kids are adults now. It sounds like they are already seeing him for what he is. If you’ve raised them with healthy boundaries and a secure sense of self, they will see him for what he is.

My dad was like this actually. Weird about food, obsessive about weight, health anxiety, controlling and delusional. It was never a secret. I knew exactly the sort of person he was. When I turned 17 and moved out (parents had divorced when I was 8), I had a lot more control over when I saw him. I saw him a lot less because without my mum there as a buffer, he was more obnoxious than ever.

He died not long after - from lung cancer, because despite obsessing about the cholesterol and fat in chicken skin (we were never allowed chicken skin growing up!), he ignored all the blood he was coughing up for a year, cancer was finally diagnosed at stage 4 and he died the following month. So we never got to have an adult relationship but I’m pretty sure I would have phased him out anyway. It was just too much drama and I wasn’t interested.

I’d say just be open to talking with your dc about it. My mum was always very open with me about his issues and she let me talk to her about it all, and it helped me to make my own decisions about the relationship. I’m grateful she didn’t feel like she needed to forever hide it all from me, because it was pretty obvious how messed up he was.

Thanks mindutopia. It's good to hear from an adult who's been through it. I've always tried to be open with the kids about H's issues as appropriately as possible. I keep telling myself that they're smart people with great critical thinking skills and can set their own boundaries. I guess I just need to trust them. So hard though when I know his behaviour upsets or unsettles them.

I would make it quite clear to them that his views likely come from a place of mental illness and they are to be taken with a pinch of salt and that obviously it's their choice if they choose to see him/ listen to him

You can soften this with 'he loves you all and tries his best to be a good dad' (if that's true) whilst also saying he has mental health issues

You may also wish to say that you're there for them for a debrief and chat after seeing him if they fancy this or need it

That's what I would do with my children of this age anyway

I think at this point oy have to hope the work you've done in bringing up your DC pays off because they're too old for you to continue to shelter them from your ex's crazy. And it sounds like they are aware that he's irrational so that's a good thing.

Thanks Felicity. Good advice. The setting boundaries is definitely important. H doesn't really have close friends. His social life was totally reliant on us and I know the kids have felt pressure to see him and do things with him. DD has said that at first it was nice that he wanted to spend time with them (something he wasn't great at before) but now it feels more like he's taking their attention rather than giving them attention. DS doesn't live at home so I'm less certain about his boundaries. He's very busy with work, school, his relationship and friends though. So I hope he's not feeling the burden of his father.