How to get over the 'what if'?

[creativeteapot]

I met a man at work about 8 years ago. We instantly clicked, had so many shared interests and similar views.. But he had a girlfriend (I was single back then), and because there was such a strong instant chemistry between us, I decided to avoid contact with him and faded out the friendship that started to build.

Then, a year later, I met my now-fiancé.

A couple of months ago, the other man joined the same hobby I do, and we saw each other again for the first time...the chemistry is still there, it's so easy to talk to him and we're just the same person in so many ways. He is single now. Of course this time it's me who's in a relationship and my fiancé is a wonderful man, I would never cheat on him. I've decided to walk away from this particular hobby to avoid the other man (again), but I find myself constantly thinking WHAT IF...
There's an undeniable chemistry that's still there after so many years, and although we don't know each other that well, talking to him feels like talking to my best friend because it's so comfortable and natural. I guess my problem is that I don't want to leave my fiancé because I love him, but I can't get the thought 'what if the other man is actually the one for me?' out of my head.

If you're having those kind of thoughts, I'd say leave your fiance. I just don't think you'd be thinking like that if you did.

It's okay to listen to yourself and your feelings but don't drag it out for your fiancé's sake.

Then you're free to persue who and what you want.

Life is too short to be marrying the wrong person.

It's a crush. You are doing the right thing walking away. Crushes fade. What you have with your partner is real.

There are a couple of men I’ve felt like that about. You can’t keep them all. Just be glad they are in the universe.

(I do still wonder if the super hot postman is super hot 20 years on…)

It’s just chemistry though and it’s a tiny part of what makes up a good relationship. Love, friendship, shared value, kindness etc.

What if he’s boring and selfish?

Don’t give up your lovely fiance

Thank you all, this makes sense...will try to remind myself that this is a crush and not the real thing!

Make a list (which you will burn) of all the things you love about your partner. Then reread it and note how many of those qualities are unknown for this man.

maybe he’s single because he cheated on his partner. Maybe he’s crap in bed. Maybe he leave the bathroom in an awful state expecting his partner to clear it up. Never makes you a cup of tea. Speaks badly to his mother. Reads questionable material online. Drinks alcohol secretly.

You don’t know him!

Your partner presumably has most of the qualities you find attractive in a person. If he doesn’t then you are with the wrong person. But don’t assume mr hobby is the right one. Love is a choice.

What I mean is love is a choice you make every day. Read Gottman books and go water your own grass.

You know you fiancé and love him. You don't really know this other man.

I’ve had this with 2 exes from my past. I often wondered what if. Then I remind myself that my husband is kind , caring, provides for me and I can talk to him about anything without judgement! Would I have all of these things from those other men? Probably not. I know I’ve romanticized men before who I’ve felt chemistry with- but really we don’t know that person. When you’re at work you’ve got your work face on , I wonder would his at home face be the exact same? Chances are it wouldn’t.
The Q is, how do you feel about this man, are there feelings there on your part? If there are it’s a much trickier Q for you to answer. Only you know the answer but I would be saying , this is an idealized version you have of your crush, not the reality.