Lack of love and affection after fallings out

[Ontoast]

There has been an ongoing issue in my marriage which has been killing it for years. We can't have the slightest argument or disagreement without my husband distancing for days afterwards and sometimes weeks.

He says he "can't help it" and it just makes him feel like he can't be affectionate with me afterwards let alone have sex.

I've never experienced this before him as sex was always a way of making up after argument in previous relationships but he's the opposite.

We have two young children so there are often heated words when we're both tired or pushed to our limit from both sides. It might only last a couple of minutes like a minor argument when packing for a holiday or such like but it's like it affects him personally and he gets incredibly insulted and then the lack of affection will continue for a couple of days, sometimes longer and we often go weeks without having sex. He will say things like "we aren't getting along enough to have sex."

It's like he expects perfect, robotic communication 100% of the time which is a massive pressure! If I show emotion like I'm sad or angry about something he just withdraws and becomes on edge, won't discuss things and will ignore me. I feel like I'm expected to never show any negativity at all. Yet, he's hardly jumping for joy himself and will snap at me and the children.

I don't think he's seeking to punish me purposely, I think it genuinely affects him to the point that he can't be near me if we have a disagreement, but it feels like a punishment and the pressure on me to be robotic about everything is too intense and makes everything worse. He argues that he doesn't expect me to be robotic at all, that he just expects me to always be nice to him. This means not pulling him up when he's being lazy and creating more work for me or not voicing if I'm upset about something or feeling a bit neglected. It's like he can't ever be wrong and if I point out that I'm unhappy about something, he is personally insulted.

We tried relationship counselling a couple of times, but it doesn't seem to improve anything. Our last counsellor described him as having a fixed mindset, so I can't seem to work with him to find a way forward as he just thinks that he's right and I'm wrong.

I need some love in my life, but I can't be nice all the time, like he's expecting and I think being nice all the time is the only way he'll ever be loving and affectionate!
What do I do?

He’s not going to change, and you both know what he’s like, so it’s a put up or get out situation.

Hmmm I was going to suggest counselling but you've tried it. I agree with you when you say he's not punishing you as such (bit suspect a lot of others here will be calling abuse), however he's also not working with you to find a solution. When you've have counselling or spoken about it, has he been able to tell you what he needs to help him feel better or to reconnect? It sounds like you need affection/sex to reconnect but he needs something different - does he know what that is? Just waiting it out till he feels better doesn't seem ok because it's not finding a compromise that meets both your needs.

I guess though, if he isn't willing to work on it, you are absolutely entitled to decide whether it's a deal-breaker for you and whether you can stay together.

he just thinks that he's right and I'm wrong.

Yep, he has a fixed mindset that no one could work with. I'm so sorry but I think you need to focus on accepting he will not change.

He does want you to be a robot and meet his every need but it is not a two way street. An arrangement like that will wear you down so please prioritize your well-being and get yourself and your children away from him as soon as you can. Learn about going 'grey rock' - its a way to handle people with self-centred narcissistic tendencies.

It's textbook emotional abuse. Whether it's intentional, conscious behaviour or not is largely irrelevent. What matters is the impact it has on you. Don't subject yourself to a lifetime of misery just because you think there's a chance he isn't doing it deliberately.

What happens if you upset him or do/don't do something and he doesn't like it? I don't mean express emotions (which you've covered) but say you were lazy or made more work for him?

The point I'm making is, is he allowed to express emotions like frustration or annoyance, while you are not?

Oh God, that sounds like a nightmare to live with.
controlling, to say the least.
sounds like he is a dismissive/avoidant attachment model, and I’d be telling him to sign papers and pack his bags.

you’ll be walking on eggshells for life, and how will you have any genuine connection if you have to be a little doll to earn some crumbs of affection? Oh hell no.

im sorry op, but if he’s unwilling to see it’s a problem, and unwilling to work on it, there’s no other answer but to live as things are or end it.

the counselor really could have gone more in depth- I think fixed mindset doesn’t even begin to address the issue- so if he’s willing to try again, maybe a better counselor. :( so sorry.

@likeadisgruntledpelican he tends to hold it in and sulks when I'm lazy or if I inconvenience him, then if I challenge him about something, he will dig up something I did/didn't do which irritated him days, weeks or months ago. He says nothing to me generally, just distances but then will use it against me as ammunition in the future when he needs to.

Agree with @WalkingThroughTreacle - this is abusive. He’s saying you should always be nice to him. WTAF? That is him expecting you to be a robot and it is him training you never to upset him. And as you say, he’s happy enough to snap at you. His attitude isn’t sustainable in a relationship. Everyone gets annoyed with their partner sometimes and everyone can be an arsehole sometimes. Particularly when they’re very tired. Couples need to be able to express disagreement without being punished for days and weeks with sulking. He’s not a partner when he’s behaving like this. In fact, he sounds like he doesn’t really know how to be in a relationship.

I don’t believe he can’t change this. He’s choosing this behaviour and it will kill your marriage. That will be on him because he’s chosen not to change. Hopefully that’s a consequence he can live with.

So, ignoring the fact he's abusive with his communication style, and the fact he's punishing you for perceived wrongs with his behaviours for a minute... Essentially he's allowed to behave how he likes, and react how he likes to your behaviour, and you are not?

You were spot on with your analysis that he expects you to be a robot, yet he's allowed to be a human with feelings. I had an abusive ex once years ago that always spouted, 'I'm nice when you're nice', when we had an argument, forgetting that my 'emotional' responses were purely down to similar double standards as your husband.

You won't get anywhere with a man like this. He doesn't see you as a person, just an appliance that occasionally malfunctions and becomes annoying.

You dont need couples counselling. He needs therapy by himself. That's if he recognises he needs to and wants to change.

Agree with the above poster, I was about to suggest counselling, and I was going to say that this was the "perfect" counselling situation as it's mainly a communication issue which is bread and butter for most counsellors. The fact that counselling was unsuccessful must mean he has a very fixed mindset indeed!

When you talk about this calmly (not during or straight after an argument) does he take any responsibility? Does he realise that this could be a deal breaker for you?

Does he do this at work? Sulk, distance himself when challenged? I don’t think so, this type of behaviour is reserved just for you, aren’t you lucky. I think you’re confusing, can’t with doesn’t want to. So you need to decide: carry on as you are now, STFU or it becomes a dealbreaker and leave his arse.

You have children, do you want your children to be around this 24/7? Walking on eggshells for fear of being frozen out and then this becoming their norm and continuing the cycle. The impact of his behaviour on your children and their future partners and children could be debilitating.

Withholding affection, storing things up for later, bet he brings things up from years ago too? Mine was like this. It took someone else to tell me me was controlling to realise what he was really like. We separated in the end. Best thing I ever did!

It's like you're literally describing my marriage here, it's uncanny. I actually looked this topic up and found someone else's same struggles. I couldn't have wrote this any better myself
It's exactly my problem
I'm guessing here but would you say your husband is.. maybe.. autistic. I feel mine is. His birth sign is cancer (if you believe in any of that stuff) he's so sensitive. I can't have an opinion on things. He always says I'm negative. It's like he permanently wants me in a state of happiness but that's impossible to do when he's so cold and distant for months on end.. and yet apparently its me that's moody? 🙄 I've considered divorcing him so many times. I don't know how I can leave. So times things are good but I feel so coldly treated at times.
I just wanted you to know that you're not on your own, anyway. I definitely feel this same way as you 😌

And also, you know what this behaviour is called, don't you? Stone walling... radio silence.. you've dared to have an opinion on something and he's punishing you for it. He's just like my husband. An absolute narc!

This. Such wise words here. This is the truth. If he recognises he's doing wrong. That's the truth right right. It has to be him wanting to change. And this is why counselling very rarely works in couples because there has to be that willingness to change. I can't see him wanting to. Because right now he has all the power and knows it. He knows he can say and do anything he pleases and sadly she will accept it. The ops story is so much like my own it's frightening. Mine, my husband, is exactly the same. It's mental abusive. I'm so ready to leave but not sure how. 😕

He wants you to be something you're not. You want him to be something he's not. At best, you are incompatible.