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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Varying child arrangements order

25 replies

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 07:27

My ex and I spent 2 years in court battling over our daughter. I got a residency order and the arrangement is about 60:40. He wanted extra days in the week which he got but he was deemed too controlling to have a lives with order. Fast forward and on his days he won’t pick up our daughter from school, will leave her there and call me last minute to pick her up myself saying he’s busy. He does this last minute and springs it on me he says to punish me for not letting him use my nanny. I don’t let him use my nanny bc he refuses to pay for it and also he abused our previous nanny and she quit. I don’t want a repeat of that. He called the police about her saying she faked her COVID vaccine and called all her friends threatening her when she admitted to me he faked / manipulated his court ordered drug testing.

his abuse post the order is unending. I have to quit work at random times, cancel trips etc. I’m minded to go back and ask for full custody during the working week. He can have her every other weekend. He says he’s fine for social services to pick her up from school if I can’t and says this is all my fault bc I won’t share my nanny so I have to pay the price. Has anyone been successful varying a child arrangements order? He also refuses to do homework with her which means we stay up late doing it and she’s tired.

He clearly never wanted this time with her and asked for it to “win” and impress his friends that he fought for his child, and now he Carries on pushing me. Our history is in my other posts.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 07:30

Would it be worth paying for after school club on his days so you don’t get inconvenienced by his behaviour ?

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/05/2023 07:33

Yea of course go back to court.
first though I’d take some time to really get your ducks on a row and get evidence, if you haven’t already.

Does he ask you to collect her by text, and abuse you by text? Can you keep a diary of the times he fails to collect and you have to step in?

Was the abuse of the nanny reported to the police.

Can school help with evidencing his failure to pick up? I assume they know about the order?

I’d prioritise getting as much evidence as possible then going back to court. I’d hope a judge would look favourably on you given he is failing to care for her in his time.

Original poster

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 07:33

@DustyLee123 isnt tha rewarding crap
behaviour? Firstly he doesn’t pay CM and hasn’t since Feb. also sometimes he turns up to pick her up so I can’t have anything consistent, bc he will show up sometimes and do it last minute to screw with me. Sometimes we both turn up bc he’s manipulated me to thinking he won’t and then does for a laugh. He asked for these extra days so why should I pay for and organize care?

OP posts:

happylittletree · 28/05/2023 07:33

Just popping in to say I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/05/2023 07:35

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 07:33

Can you speak to school about the issue.
maybe they could arrange that if he says he can’t collect you wait near by and they only call you if he actually doesn’t come? Then he doesn’t get the satisfaction of seeing you there, but you are close by to get her if he doesn’t come? Also the school can keep a record for court use. I assume they are concerned by his behaviour, given its continued abuse?

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 07:37

It’s not about rewarding, it’s about making sure your child is taken care of, and so you don’t have to leave work to get her.

Original poster

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 07:39

He has gone out of this way to speak to the school and make me out to be abusive and manipulative. He sent our texts to the principal like a total psycho. I am going to get them to evidence each time he doesn’t come.

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 07:41

Would school take her into after school club if no parent arrives?

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/05/2023 07:41

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 07:39

How do you communicate with him? I’d keep it all in text and email as much as possible. Respond as minimally as you can. Only respond to things directly related to care of your child and ignore anything outside of that.

Original poster

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 07:45

@Weallgottachangesometime

we communicate on whatsapp. He always also forgets what days he has her, isn’t consistent and when I do him the favour of sending him a calendar with days circled he calls me a beggar. When I ask him to pick her up on his days he calls me a beggar who can’t deal with her child and needs someone else to palm her off to. He ASKED for this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 07:48

He also won’t read the court order and make demands. Eg, the court order says one of our child’s passports stays with me, the other with him. He will demand I hand over the passport which is with me for their holiday bc he forgot to renew the one which is with him and if I don’t he is calling the police. The court order doesn’t say he’s entitled to her passport which is with me. I won’t let him have her passport which is with me bc he has the other one and he’s previously threatened to retain her passports so we can’t leave (see previous threads from 2018 when we were still married). He won’t do anything without a reminder and it’s my job to organize the schedule and life by reminding him what days he has her.

OP posts:

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/05/2023 07:50

God that sounds awful. At least you have plenty of evidence if it’s been in writing. Do you think you have enough for court already?

If I were you I’d start communicating by email, an email you use purely for contact and nothing else. Put the schedule for pick on on an email to him and school once and don’t do any reminders. Tell school you are concerned he won’t pick up on his days and then ask them if ASC can be utilised as a back up if that happens. Then they can record no pick up. You would have a bill for ASC but that would be evidence of no pick up too.

How does you child feel about this? It must be affecting them? How old are they?

Loverofoxbowlakes · 28/05/2023 08:22

Straight to court.

If he's evidencing all this by text/WhatsApp he's really dug himself into a hole.

This will undoubtedly be having a negative effect on your dc, focus on that. But yes, if he's not /won't stick to the court order then it needs documenting and changing to provide consistency for your dc.

SpringleDingle · 28/05/2023 08:59

Ok, stop reminding him and stop helping him. Don’t tell him what days he has her, that’s in the court order. Reduce your contact with him to email only. Let school know when her Dad is to pick her up and let them know to call him first if she isn’t collected on time and you after. If you collect him on his day then she comes home with you and he doesn’t get to have her later that day. After you have evidence from school of all the times on his days that he was late or they had to call you then go back to court. Don’t engage, he can read the court order!! He does NOT need you to remind him, he is a grown man!

Original poster

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 09:32

@SpringleDingle - thank you for your advice. On the “he doesn’t get to have her that day” - he will just withhold her from me another day if I do that to make up his lost evening. You don’t understand … he’s a sociopath, and I mean that genuinely. What kind of father says “it’s ok, social services will pick her up”. He books meetings when he knows it’s his time to do the school run then he calls me and tells me to go because I’m the mother and “primary carer.” He’s bitter that he didn’t get a lives with order because the judge found him controlling.

OP posts:

Smoky1107 · 28/05/2023 09:57

I've been through something very similar, to punish me for getting custody, to stop me being able to progress at work. He wanted mid week, it was such a contentious point as he can't drive so I'd have to do all the driving which meant I couldn't full time but the judge gave it and on the court steps he said he couldn't do the next few Wednesdays but to make sure they were always available. He's cancelled holidays last minute because I bought a car so clearly had money so should pay for holiday club (his words). He stopped picking up from school and started chopping and changing times last minute. Eventually I just put my foot down and said follow the court order or don't see them so he didn't for six months! Then he popped in and out to suit for a while, claiming different things like he'd never had them October half terms etc when he it was written in and he had.
Eventually when he realised his control had gone (my career was flourishing and we'd bought a dream house) he walked away totally for three years. Now they are young adults and he sees them on birthdays if he's not busy.
I feel for you, the only way I took back control was to stop any deviation from the court order, I think you should go back to court with all your evidence yes and have his midweek removed. He will start messing the weekends but the impact will be less. Good luck

whichwayisup · 28/05/2023 10:13

I've no advice just wanted to express my horror at your ex husband's behaviour. I really feel for you and your daughter. I would definitely be going back to court.

Smoky1107 · 28/05/2023 10:21

And once he passed cards through school with a letter to say how his children were being withheld from him, I was unable to work overtime, trying to make ends meet and it was his Friday to collect them and I stood crying on playground at the manipulation and unfairness.
I hope you do go back to court, I did take him back once and got what I needed for the girls but I don't envy you. People like use the children for complete control

Fantina · 28/05/2023 10:37

Evidence everything and go back to court. It is the only way to deal with these types of men. I now allow no deviation at all from the court order we have as I’ve learnt he takes the absolute piss. So no, drop off can’t be moved/days changed etc. I will have our DC more if he needs me to, mine are older so can come home from school
by themselves, but I won’t swap with him.

it is infuriating

Fantina · 28/05/2023 10:39

I’ve realised I contradict myself, I don’t allow him to swap times, have them longer, flex the holiday days. All I allow is for my (older than your DC) to be at my home more if he is unavailable to have them. But mine no longer have after school care so it is easier.

vivainsomnia · 28/05/2023 15:50

Who claims CB for your daughter? Do you claim UC help with childcare?

If so, he has a point about using your nanny. If not, why does he think you should pay full cost for when she is with him?

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 16:41

“If not, why does he think you should pay full cost for when she is with him?”

Because he is an entitled git.

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 16:43

“also he abused our previous nanny and she quit. I don’t want a repeat of that. He called the police about her saying she faked her COVID vaccine and called all her friends threatening her when she admitted to me he faked / manipulated his court ordered drug testing.”

regardless of finances, this is enough of a reason for op not to share her nanny.

and also, this Prince would no doubt be late back for nanny handover, refuse to allow holiday on his time etc

Original poster

Vickyglitz · 28/05/2023 22:03

I don’t claim any benefit or anything. Only child maintenance which he hasn’t paid since February. This week he threatened to call the police bc I wound t hand over her passport, when he has one of her passports which he forgot to renew. I can’t deal anymore. He has told me won’t pick up DD who is 5 from school , and I just have to deal.

OP posts:

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 28/05/2023 22:10

If you have text proving all the above I would go to court... Get a lives with order... He is a shambles... His parenting is a joke.

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