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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp blows hot and cold

18 replies

Shoree92 · 27/05/2023 20:17

There’s a lot to it but my dp ( of 8 years & 2 kids) constantly blows hot and cold with me.

He will cause an issue, be rude then an hour later come to me like everything’s normal, be affectionate and loving and go on about how much he loves me.

I don’t have any friends, mainly due to being a full time sahm and not having time. He is my only friend, he knows this.

he constantly criticised absolutely everything I do. He’s ocd and always finds a negative in everything. I do all of the cleaning and household chores, he works a lot and I constantly clean up after him. This morning he was annoyed at me for something else so went looking for something to pick on. He questioned why I haven’t cleaned his juice bottle yet (that he put on the side yesterday). In all honestly I had washed the dishes 3 times yesterday (none of which were mine) and after him constantly picking at me I replied ‘because I havent’.

this pissed him off as I was ‘giving attitude’ in his words. So he proceeded to be rude to me and tell me he wasn’t going to spend the day with us like he had planned. He was supposed to finish work early and spend the day with us. I took the kids out to the park, for walks, to a lesson, for icecream etc sent him photos in which he replied to. Tried to call him, he phoned back and said he’d call back but didn’t. He didn’t come home until 8pm (went to work at 7:45am).

im very upset because I’m constantly by myself on the weekends, I have no adult company other than him and no one to talk to, no friends etc. when he come home the first thing he said to me was ‘I told you, if you stress me I’ll neglect and stay away from you’. I instantly put my shoes on and have gone for a walk (something I’m also never able to do, I never even get 5 mins to go out for myself unless the kids are at school on which he still expects me to be home).

im really annoyed that he can just decide to not come home on time, when I don’t have that luxury and can’t go anywhere without my kids. Im also annoyed that he uses this form of ‘punishment’ all because I said ‘because I haven’t’. Im sure there are plenty other woman that would give him a mouthful back, my slightest attitude results in being left alone all day.

OP posts:

PurpleSunshineRain · 27/05/2023 20:33

You need to start making your own friends. You sound so isolated. Maybe start by organising play dates with your kids friends and get to know the parents. Are there any activities at the library that your kids could do? I find the library a great place to meet people who have kids of similar ages.

Once the kids are in bed can you do a hobby just for you? Like a book club? Sewing club? Just something that you're interested in that makes you feel happy.

He knows what he's doing to you. Come on. Take a step. Do it for you. Sending you hugs and positivity.

Sundaysundaebananasplit · 27/05/2023 20:40

Moodiness is a deal breakers for me, as is manipulation and emotional abuse. I never say ltb but I couldn't live with walking on eggshells. It's abusive and I would leave. There's no way I could stay with someone like that and I'm not saying this lightly. It will wear away at you until you don't recognise yourself. It's so damaging. Get out.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/05/2023 20:45

Well, that sounds like very coercive and controlling behaviour.

"Do everything I demand and never moan or I'll freeze you out and neglect you on purpose. Its your fault of course"

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:48

He is horrendous. Absolutely awful.

you need to leave him. Have you family you could go to?

Original poster

Shoree92 · 27/05/2023 21:03

I just returned from my walk and as soon as I opened the door he brought a bag of rubbish to me and told me to take it out to the bin. He wouldn’t have mentioned it any other time, it was purely another thing to just make me do because he’s in a mood.

he also came back home with a lovely Starbucks drink for himself. Wish I had the time to go to Starbucks by myself!

also- no I can’t do any activity in the evenings as he works late. The only opportunity I can ever do something is when the kids are at school or if it’s something that involves bringing them along. he also wouldn’t watch them anyway for me to do something for myself. Not something on a ‘regular’ basis anyway. Anything I want to do (which the only thing I do is gym here and there) I have to rely on the kids being in school. Even then he will tell me I’m ‘prioritising’ the gym rather than being at home??? If everything is sorted at home what does it hurt for me to go somewhere for an hour? I take care of the home but I can’t sit at home all day!

OP posts:

PurpleSunshineRain · 27/05/2023 21:05

Forget what I said earlier and make a
plan to leave. You do not deserve this! You deserve so much better!!!

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 21:08

Shoree92 · 27/05/2023 21:03

he also came back home with a lovely Starbucks drink for himself. Wish I had the time to go to Starbucks by myself!

He is abusive. It is as simple as that. He is controlling you. You need to get back in work and move out.

Captainfairylights · 27/05/2023 21:10

OP your post makes me feel frightened on your behalf. This man is abusing you. It will get worse. In my experience no amount of reasoning or appeal to his "better nature" will change anything. He wants a situation where you are reduced and dependent. The truth will come out when you assert yourself -- as you must. He will, I think get nasty, which is why you are afraid of him already. Tell your family. This is, I think a serious situation and you should prepare to leave him.

gamerchick · 27/05/2023 21:17

He's abusing you and you seemingly can't see it.

Poor kids, being stuck in the middle of that.

Anonymices · 27/05/2023 21:27

Please find out where your local women's aid is and go and speak to someone there. I know it takes time to come to understand that you are experiencing emotional abuse and it is not OK, but please get help.

Whataretalkingabout · 27/05/2023 22:06

Dear OP, He treats you like rubbish! Watch some YouTube videos on coercive control. They will open your eyes and you'll never see him in the same light again. I really feel for you.

iamenough2023 · 27/05/2023 22:39

Dear OP, it always amazes me how much some people, mostly us women, are willing to endure from a partner and how easily we accept the abuse as normal. You keep saying that you are annoyed by your partner, but what he is doing to you is not annoyance it is plain and simple abuse. He is abusing you and you do not even know it.

Every little thing you mentioned is abuse; the fact that you are totally isolated, the fact you have no time for yourself, that you do everything and he still expects more, that he is "punishing you" for speaking up for yourself by leaving you and so making you even more lonely and isolated. I am so, so sorry but you are a victim of serious abuse and if you are asking me, you should leave that person, sooner rather than later. I know some people say this may escalate, he may become physically abusive, and this may very well be true, but emotional and verbal abuse are equally damaging and hurtful to the victim of abuse and no one should have to endure it. Please leave asap! Hugs💕

Dery · 28/05/2023 00:06

@Shoree92 - what you’re describing is abuse. He sounds horrible. I’m guessing his parents had a very unequal and unhealthy relationship so he is reproducing what he grew up with. For a start, you need to break your dependence on him. If your DCs are in school, see if you can find a part time job. You will be earning some money, you will also be spending time with other adults and you can make some friends. Be friendly to other mums at the school gates; suggest going for a coffee; set up some playdates. Where are your parents in all of this? Hopefully you can build up to walking away from him because he’s clearly not a nice man.

Also, they are his children too so spending time with them while you’re out is not watching them, it’s parenting. Or does he think parenting is something only women do?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2023 00:11

You need to do whatever it takes to leave this man, as quickly as humanly possible. You must get yourself and your kids away from him. He is horribly, horribly abusive. This is what coercive control is, and it's a crime. Please call Women's Aid and get help.

cestlavielife · 28/05/2023 00:12

You not marrried right? What do you live off?
Who owns the house? What independent $$ do you have?
Look up cycle of abuse
Read about "walking on eggshells"
Plan to leave

CallieQ · 28/05/2023 01:14

Why do you take orders from him and allow him to push you around? He sounds awful

Dotcheck · 28/05/2023 01:18

Get a job, and then leave this horrible man

Nobsandnockers · 28/05/2023 01:51

Have you written about him before?
Do you realise you don’t have to do what he tells you? What would he say if you told him to take the rubbish out himself? Or wash is own juice bottle?
You need to find yourself again and leave this abusive man. He has you trapped at home and has isolated you so he can control you. This is illegal - coercive control - and cruel. Why do you stay? By allowing him to get away with this, your children will believe it is normal- it isn’t!

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