Yes I'm A Grown Adult but...

[DontBeBitterGlitter2023]

I'm aware this will sound batshit crazy when I write it down but please bear with... 37 years old, only child, no father since I was 13. My mother, even though I absolutely love her to bits, is completely and utterly overbearing. Always has been. I know it's partly because she didn't want me to 'waste my life' like she felt she did and I've had a ton of therapy over the years to get over it...

She makes disapproval and disappointment into an art form. I was even terrified of showing her my latest piercing because I knew she wouldn't like it (we see each other almost every day - turning up at my place uninvited is a particular speciality!)

I'm having a bit of a situationship/friends with benefits thing at present. We were dating but took a step back due to various issues of his, which my mum described as 'red flags'. She knows we're speaking again but not that we are spending time together or sleeping together. She said she'd be 'incredibly disappointed' if I went back there

However we're going away for one night next week and I'll need her to see to my pets, water the plants, etc. she will want to know where I'm going and who with... I don't want to lie to her but I also cannot be doing with the disappointment act that will follow!

Any advice please? I know I just need to grow a pair but we do have quite a strange dynamic within our relationship already and usually it's just easier to go with what she wants

Have you considered keeping your private life private?

Honestly in your shoes I'd move away. Far enough that it's a pain for her to visit too often.

Short term wise...just say you fancy a trip to see a show somewhere. You're fave band us Playing in.... there's a museum exhibit you've always wanted to see coming too... ect

You need more therapy, you have absolutely no boundaries with your mum.

When she starts, just ask her to stop commenting on your sex life, tell her it's inappropriate.

if she keeps on, just say things like 'I'm xx years old, I'm not looking for your approval re my love life just if you'll feed Tubbs her dinner'

i hope you lock your front door when FWB is there! Or he might be 'Friend unable to be of benefit!!'

If you're only away one night, plants won't need watering!! & most pets would be ok anyway.

@Pinkbonbon I have zero desire at all to move away, however much my mum annoys me we do have some reliance on each other plus I'm very close to my extended family. Also live in the cheapest part of the country in a house I've finally made up to my standards and have a really stable and secure job here

@ThirstyThursday the plants are another obsession of hers! I hate plants, gardening and even sitting in the garden but under duress bought the bloody plants and now must keep them alive on pain of death!

That's why the FWB only comes round once past dinner time and I know she's settled at home! Or if I know she's away/playing golf 🤣

Get a friend or neighbour to feed your pet. (plants should be fine for 1 night).

Longer term you need to shift things so she doesn't just drop round without arrangement and so that she doesn't know every single thing about your life.

Do you want children op@DontBeBitterGlitter2023 ?

@Goatbilly I can't have children

@DontBeBitterGlitter2023

I think you need a patio! I'll come & help dig the foundations-nice & wide &
DEEP!

you are going to have to start putting some boundaries in place, it won't be easy, but not much worth having is.

or. Take the easy route & ask FWB if he minds 'getting caught in action'. Just the once should stop her dropping in at least!

I had to resort to FGS mum I'm 50, yes FIFTY YEARS OLD, I can manage my own life. It wasnt pretty, but it did stop some of the interference.

Tell her your going away with a friend from work. Just lie through your teeth if you're not able to tell her the truth and stand up to her.

I suppose telling her to STFU is out of the question?

it's just easier to go with what she wants

Is it really because if it was, you wouldn’t have posted. The path of least resistance always has a price.

You need more therapy.

How is her love life, then? Do you approve of her partner/lack of partner? Are you satisfied with her choice? Might be time to start bringing it up. Then if she says it's none of your business, you'll know what to remind her about next time she starts on you.

@80s funny you should say that as I couldn't abide her last partner (for reasons I won't go into but having a wife was the main one!)

Thanks everyone for your replies... but I found out over the weekend that despite what he's been saying to me he has no intention of turning this into a relationship, and that's without the fact I found out he's also been actively trying to get back with his ex! So for now my current dilemma no longer exists, but I know I need to think more deeply about the situation with my mum.

Sounds like you are over reliant on you mum just as much as she is on you. You’re too intertwined and there are no boundaries. I hear what you’re saying, but you’ve made this situation yourself. You need more therapy, maybe joint therapy with your mum. Maybe she could even pay if you begrudge her that much? You can’t have both, the nice close relationship that you’ve clearly come to depend on but also the distance and boundaries if you never set them. Sounds like you’re too easily led and desperate for attention.

You’re in an enmeshed relationship with your mother and that is unhealthy. She will not let you go readily if at all but you are not responsible for her.

You do not need her approval either, you’ve been conditioned and otherwise expected by your mother to behave as you do. Where do you end and your mother begins?. and please do not undergo joint therapy with your mother as it will be a waste of time. Do consider also seeing a BACP registered therapist.

kill two birds with one stone - go for holiday, don't tell her in advance and let the bloody plants die :)

You don't need to show her your piercing. You don't need to share your FWB relationships with her. You don't need her to look after your pets, you could pay a local teenager to do it. Your plants will survive one night without water.