My DS (age 4) said he only feels safe with daddy 💔

[Thefirstime]

Heart literally broken today.

I’ve done so much reading around emotional regulation and parenting but I was having an off day today. He got really upset and it triggered me I became frustrated and we went home. He said he only feels safe with daddy, as I get more cross..

so gutted and hurt.. but I’ve taken it as I need to do more work around boundary setting with him and to regulate my emotions far more..

My son says this when I shout at him. I don’t often and try (and mostly succeed) to practise gentle and compassionate parenting. I wouldn’t worry too much. We all have our moments.

It’s the first time he has said it to me and I never shout at him. I do get frustrated and say “right we’re going home!” He’s so sensitive and needs constant gentle and warmth which I don’t always provide in stressful moments.. his dad is better at that, as has less time with him.. we went to soft play today and he broke down terrified of it, dinosaurs.. I was annoyed about it as had just driven over half hour to get there.. he is quite a scared boy, scared of a lot and quite anxious

Yes it’s easy to be calm and contained when you don’t have them so much, much harder for the primary parent juggling all the other pressures of life too.

Honestly OP don't take this to heart too much. This is the kind of thing that four year olds say when they're upset, without understanding the full meaning of it.

Dinosaurs are scary, not for all 4 year olds, but I was definitely scared of them at that age. Perhaps you could tell him how you felt about dinosaurs when you were little, and apologise for your reaction to him.
Im sure you want him to learn that fear is normal, expressing it is fine, and that he doesn’t need to hide his feelings because of the repercussions as that only continues the cycle.
It’s never too late to talk honestly with him.

Also if it makes you feel better, once when he was upset my 4 year old told me when he’s older I can’t visit his house and he won’t make me tea.

Maybe his dad should take him out more, do some of the work. As pp says, it's easy to be zen when you don't have to do all the hard stuff.

It may be good for your son to spend a bit more time doing the 'scary' stuff with his dad.

said he only feels safe with daddy

Using language like "I don't feel safe with you" would be quite a concerning sentence. It is different to "I love Daddy more" or "I hate you" - both of which are par-for-the-course when emotionally disregarded. Saying you feel unsafe or don't feel safe is more significant from a safeguarding perspective.

What words did he actually use?

*Using language like "I don't feel safe with you" would be quite a concerning sentence. It is different to "I love Daddy more" or "I hate you" - both of which are par-for-the-course when emotionally disregarded. Saying you feel unsafe or don't feel safe is more significant from a safeguarding perspective.

What words did he actually use?*

Also, what is your ex like towards you? Was he toxic or abusive towards you in the relationship? Amy chance thst your ex is feeding your child these types of lines and attemptingto alienateyour child from you?

I can't imagine how a 4 year old knows how to articulate that and truly understand the meaning behind those words. A parent that has been around their child constantly for 4 years who occasionally gets a little frustrated or exasperated at or around their children is certainly not going to all of a sudden make their child feel unsafe. Your child would be used to you and a normal/safe level of expressing different emotions. Something doesn't seem quite right. I'd be a little suspicious of my ex, or is there anywhere else he could be learning to you that particular language?

Also, what is your ex like towards you?

Has the op said he is an ex?

If he said that exact phrase it sounds like he’s repeating what an adult has said.

@GrazingSheep

I just realized that OP did not specify if her child's father is an ex. She did say:

his dad is better at that, as has less time with him

Which is where I (possibly mistakenly) made the assumption that he is an ex since the boy doesn't spend as much time with his dad. I realize there could be a different reason for this (I.e dad works away from home more etc).

I still find it strange he is using that language. It sounds like it has been taught to him or he is repeating it.

You're overthinking the meaning behind a 4 year old words. Of course, they're expressing real feelings but they're emotionally and verbally undeveloped, so attributing too much to their precise words isn't sensible.

My children have told me they hated me, and then we wanting a cuddle a short time later, told me they wish they'd never been born and then excited told me about what they wanted to do on holiday soon after.

Sounds to me contextual. He's scared of the dinosaurs, he sees daddy as better able to keep him safe (bigger, stronger, man- they learn that very young from the constant messaging around them) so I'd not read too much into it. I think its highly unlikely a 4 year old would use those words in the deeper sense you've perceived.

Hang on, your DS is anxious and scared about things, you took him to soft play where he broke down crying because he was terrified and your reaction was to say to “That’s it, we’re going home!”? Did you calmly remove him from soft play or grab him by hand and drag him out? You completely over-reacted and need to get a grip on your reactions. Your son has told you he doesn’t feel safe around you. That is not the same as “I hate you” or “you’re mean”. He’s probably so anxious because he’s scared of how you’re going to react to his totally normal child emotions. What was your upbringing like? Did you have shouty parents who were constantly in at you telling you how to behave or expressing their disappointment at you? Have you read the Phillips Perry book? Sounds like you’ve got some deep seated issues that are coming out in your parenting and adversely effecting your DS. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’m a but shocked that your reaction to a terrified child was to lose your temper because you’d driven half an hour to get there. Children don’t feel fear the same way adults do, they’re genuinely, viscerally terrified at an instinctive level. You’re not teaching him how to process his emotions healthily.

I know people will roll their eyes but is there any chance he could have sensory processing difficulties or autism op? Perhaps soft play and some other situations are just too overwhelming for him? Young children often can't pinpoint or articulate exactly what is wrong (too noisy, too busy, too smelly etc) so might just say they're scared etc. I understand your frustration, if you knew why he was struggling it would perhaps help you too?

With respect - you don’t need to set more boundaries with your son, but definitely need to work on yourself.

Getting annoyed at your sensitive and anxious 4yo because he got scared of dinosaurs - and because you drove for half hour? Really?

You are the adult here. Don’t feel sorry for yourself and rather do something to be nicer to your son.

Yes - we are not perfect. And when under stress can be non-ideal parents. But unless your life is unbelievably stressed right now - taking him home from soft play - rather than trying to be warm and gentle and making him feel safe there - is less than great parenting. IMHO

So your son is scared and anxious and your response to this is to shout at him? Not trying to kick you while you're down and all that but read what you've posted back to yourself and you will understand why the poor kid has said he feels safe with daddy.

Id consider a parenting class if my 4 year old said this to me. Thats quite an emotional response from such a young child and I don't think it should be disregarded

Honestly don’t take it to heart. 4 year olds say stuff like this. We all loose it a bit sometimes, he’ll have forgotten by next week.

I do need to work on my emotions I never loose it but do become frustrated on occasion- I have taken it to heart and am thinking why he feels that..

it’s upsetting.

his Das has consistent boundaries with him..

his Das has consistent boundaries with him..

What are these boundaries?
How would boundaries help your 4 year old feeling scared and you telling him he has to go home for being scared.

If he is a sensitive child, he can't help that at this age, you need to help nurture that and maybe slowly expose him to new and different experiences whilst he feels secure and able to express himself without being told off.I do think him saying he doesn't feel safe is a bit more of something to take seriously than I don't like you or I love daddy more, it feels more of a real feeling IMO.

Our Ds was a little bit reluctant to try new things and is very sensitive. I don't think you can change a child being sensitive nor did we want to, we do work on his resilience. We slowly encouraged and supported him with new things, he is fine now at 5.

He is anxious you need to be the calm in his storm even though there will be days when it’s hard. Educate yourself about social anxiety in children. I have had to do this for my child. Also you have changed what you were doing with him by taking him home which would have confused him when he perhaps needed guidance.