bad feeling about ex partner and his ex / step-child (Trigger Warning: SA, DV)

[letmeeatcrisps]

hello im currently having a terrible time separating from an abusive man, I have two small children with him, we were together 10 years
I am starting to worry that his history may be even darker than I ever suspected, and I wondered if anyone here could give me their opinion based on the following facts, as observed by me (apologies, it's long and grim):

• one of our children was conceived when he lied about intending to pull out
• he assaulted me physically multiple times over 3 years since having children and moving to his hometown
• at 8 months pregnant he kicked me in the back, knocking me to the floor, and kicked and punched me while I was on the floor
• I was covered in huge bruises from him while I gave birth to our second child
• kept me & kids (2&4) in a room for 6 hours and screamed at me in graphic detail how he was going to kill me
• verbally abusing and berating me In front of our kids every day
• only worked 2.5 days a week and prevented me from taking work by sabotaging all my efforts and opportunities
• moved us to a very rural area and isolated me from family and friends by rowing with them all
• lied, a lot, but I didnt figure this out until the last year when I started doing some investigating. he is very charming, respected in the community, smart enough to cover up lies etc.
• the last thing he said to me, after pushing me into a glass door and biting my face (with both our children present), just before the police arrived, was "I hope you die in a fire"

the following statements are what he told me, I dont know if true:

• his previous relationship was with a woman with a young daughter (lived with them from age 2-8) who he said had been SA by her bio father, but it never went to court or was investigated
• this relationship ended when the woman physically attacked him, a day before she was hospitalised with diabetes complication

mutual friends have told me his ex is generally timid, and he was always "very shouty" with her. since we have broken up I realised, he is very capable of violence against women, and I now doubt his claim that SHE was the violent abusive one (yes I know, its taken a while...)

I recently looked up the daughter on linkedin and she is now an adult, training to be a family court lawyer, as she says she is passionate about wanting to weed out abuse and molestation inside the family home

I have paraphrased a little, what she says for privacy sake, but its clear from her profile that she is personally invested in helping victims of sexual assault "inside the family home"
now here's what makes me wonder- she has kept her bio dad's last name.

if he was indeed the perp, would she really keep his last name, on her profile where she talks about dedicating her life to protect victims of abuse?

it is the most horrible thing to wonder about, as I have a young daughter with him, but I am starting to feel really really sick now that a pattern of behaviour (no empathy, extremely cruel & bullying, a compulsive liar, daily drinker/cannabis smoker and porn addict) is emerging

I have no intention of contacting her. I personally will be taking this monster through the courts hoping to prove domestic violence / coercive control. I hope that will vindicate his ex partner a little.

I cant stop thinking about what else he may have done / be capable of. I dont want him anywhere near me or my kids ever again, and I only stayed so long because I fully believe children deserve to have both parents in their lives. he is currently bugging me about child contact via solicitor as I have a non-molestation order in place. I dont want him anywhere near us ever again, based on what I KNOW to be true, and now this.. potentially a child abuser.

what would you think? am I just being paranoid?

Honestly? It's unknowable exactly what he did in past relationships but he sounds thoroughly degenerate from your own experiences.

So I would concentrate on your children and preventing contact if at all possible. Do you have any concerns that he has already sexually abused your children?

Have you considered relocating through the refuge system? It would probably pay off if you could get a fair distance away, get to a city, and start a completely new life a safe distance away in a location unknown to him.

What are you actually asking? Whether he sexually assaulted his daughter?

But given yours and your children’s situation - for the time being I would not give a nano seconds thought to anything else aside from getting my children settled and safe. and not distracted by speculation regarding this woman

Yes that’s what I’m asking I know it’s a bit nutty to speculate but my gut is absolutely churning everytime I think about it

i have no inclination about my kids being abused but by now I’m sure he’d have learnt to cover his tracks better
i have moved away, I’m looking for housing and work, I’m back with my family who are supporting me through this, and I have referred us to refuge and social services as I feel like the more eyes on us the better

i have one charge of common assault pending and have given up hope of proving the other attacks as they were more than six months ago, so even though I have video evidence of the attacks the police can’t press charges unless they decide it’s gbh or abh

I will pursue a charge of coercive control when I am more settled

im Just asking if anyone else would feel spooked by this , or am I overthinking it?

I feel like it’s better to be overprotective and hyper vigilant than keep my head in the sand about something this serious

thanks for the responses so far x

Sorry spooked about what? About fact he could have sexually abused his daughter from a previous relationship?

are you in the UK?

No advice op but I just want to say I understand why you feel spooked and unsettled by this. I would too in your position.

If this is likely to go through the family court Cafcass will start by doing some basic police and social care checks on you both - those should flag up whether he has any cautions or convictions for abuse (of either the ex partner or her daughter) but I would also push for them to do what are called 'enhanced' or 'level 2' checks as these will also flag whether there were any complaints that were resulted in No Further Action.

Personally I would contact her and see if you can clarify what happened.

This woman know she has half siblings presumably

very odd for her not to have been in contact with the OP, particularly given her speciality, if she had endured sexual abuse from her father

They're not her half siblings. They're her (abusive) ex-stepfather's biological children by a later marriage.

But will no doubt be aware her SF remarried and had children.

It's in very poor taste to speculate on whether or not someone is a victim of incestuous child sexual abuse based on whether or not they are behaving as we think a victim would / should.

Would you want contact though, in her shoes? There's no bond except abusive dynamics.

would I want contact? No

would I be very concerned if I knew someone who had sexually abused me was living with children, enough to override fact I didn’t want contact? Hell yes. Particularly if this was my direct line of work

Id be very spooked by this
but he’s clearly a degenerate as is

does he see children ? Does he want to
have you got a case worker you can discuss this with ?

i really hope you can be as far away as possible

it’s encouraging to see his other DD is clearly a very strong woman

she is his step daughter from a previous relationship
i agree it’s not good to speculate but due to his behaviour towards me in recent years I’ve started to think he’s capable of anything

in case I didn’t explain it very well - he had always told me that his step daughter had been abused by her father. Whilst he (ex partner) was living in their house as her step father

It just made my stomach a drop a bit, everything is very raw at the moment and I feel extremely paranoid and hyper vigilant
the thought that it may have been him, however small the possibility, is horrendous and makes me want to ensure that he never has the opportunity again to abuse another person

if he could coerce me into pregnancy and then attack me while pregnant, I don’t think he has normal “protective instincts”.

I don’t expect her (step daughter) to want to contact me and will not be contacting her. I also think that she is amazingly strong and courageous for pursuing this as a career. I wish her all the best and hope that she hears about the fact he is in court for attacking me - maybe then she might reach out, although -

I hope - I really hope - that I am just being paranoid

thanks again for engaging, it’s not an easy topic and I probably didn’t explain it too well. I appreciate the replies.

I don’t expect her (step daughter) to contact me

if she was sexually abused by this man

and presumably is fully aware he now is living with other children

and works in this field and is obviously very passionate about protecting those being sexually abused in their own home

i would be very surprised if she would not have contacted you by now if your suspicion is correct

I understand OP - when you’ve been in an abusive relationship you get caught up in their lies. When you leave, you start seeing things for what they were - like a mist clearing. Behaviour that you previously excused suddenly makes sense. And then you start questioning everything.

It’s entirely possible that he abused his step-daughter - as you say he does not have much empathy or normal boundaries. The sexual abuse thing would be a red flag for me too - my experience with someone like this (not violent but manipulative and coercive) is that when they lie, there is normally a kernel of truth there too - that’s why their lies are convincing.

However, it’s also completely possible that he did not abuse her. Most abusive men are not paedophiles. It’s not uncommon for women to go from one abusive partner to another. I’m extremely glad that she left and that you have too.

Try not to get caught up in speculation. You know what he did do and that’s bad enough. I’m really pleased you are back with people who love you - give yourself time to recover and focus on your own needs now.

Thank you, this is all helpful to hear - for obvious reasons I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it. Its helped immensely to talk it out anonymously. I’m really grateful for all of your perspectives. There’s nothing I can do except work on our new life and hope for the best.