Relationship break-up and anxiety

[Exhaustedandsad]

DH has ended our marriage. It is out of the blue for me, and he has had many awful things to say about me that are news to me.

I feel perpetually sick. I can't sleep. I am struggling to eat. I'm exhausted (looking after 2 DC too) but I dont know how to calm the anxiety so sleep and eat. I don't think there's anything I can do to change the situation, but what can I do to help with the anxiety? I know time will help, but any suggestions to help get through that time?

Oh poor you - you will be I shock!
You could try deep breathing, guided meditation, watching something fuuny and easy to watch on YouTube
Try and eat little amounts eg toast, crackers and cheese etc. Piriton is an anti histamine and can help to get u to sleep xx

Thanks. I'll look up some breathing techniques.

Oh how awful :( what a devastating shock.
I found the “mend” app helpful when I was going through abandonment, as it had daily reminders for me and a short, very calming / soothing recording for each day.
it just helped me have that to focus on, and then as the days went by, I didn’t need it past about 30 days or so.

wishing you healing, OP

Do you have friends at hand, do people know? Often they throw a bomb under the relationship and say these things to justify that they are with someone else.

How are things for you financially.

I promise you will get through this, but seek support and help. Also, you might not feel like it, but make sure there is an initial custody agreement. One so his relationship and responsibility for the children is there. And so you get some time alone. It’s hard putting in a brave face all the time.

So sorry this has happened.

Definitely having someone to talk to helps. Also if you take some of your power back you won't feel so vulnerable. So if he is still at home he needs to leave. Immediately start planning when he is taking the dc for the weekend and pack a bag and send them off so you can get a rest.
This is a really tough time so go very easy on yourself. Him saying stuff about you is only so he doesn't feel bad about his totally selfish move. Pretty typical for a guy pulling the plug on his marriage. Try not to let it get under your skin as the issue is him not you.
If you are really suffering badly your GP may give you something for a short while as lack of sleep ongoing is not good.

@barmycatmum

I'll check out the app - thanks.

@Darhon yes, I have friends who I have spoken to. They are all as shocked as I am. They are being very kind and supportive, but im conscious they all have their own lives/troubles.

We are just starting to sort out the logistics. I had hoped it was salvageable but hes made it very clesr that is not the case. I've booked to speak with a solicitor and a mortgage advisor next week, as I've taken a back seat career wise due to the DC.

@junebirthdaygirl my friends are being very good about listening to me. He has left the family home, but doesn't have anywhere nearby to have the DC, which will be challenging. I'm finding it very difficult not to let the things he says under my skin, my friends assure me it's not who they see - but it's still hard.

I considered seeing the GP in regards to sleep, but im not keen to take anything when I'm the sole adult in the house with the DC, so not sure how useful it would be.

So out of the blue he's said these things? Never previously raised them?

You must be reeling. It will be hard because you're in the middle of it but if he's never said this stuff before I'd be thinking it's nothing to do with you. People will invent reasons you're the bad guy when they're being the bad guy but don't want to feel like the bad guy.

Eating wise, some soup helps me? I can't bear actual food when upset. Sweet tea if you can't stomach much else. As for sleep, it'll come. I tend to listen to podcasts to take my mind off my thoughts when anxious. You will get through this x

I suffered with panic attacks and anxiety and only found that having a pack of diazepam helped !
But now I understand that it comes from having feelings and emotions which you don't know how to deal with ... like the ones that you're having now I expect.

So I guess it depends what type of person you are. Are you going to let this consume you and stop living (for now) or get sorting out your life for you and your children.

I was stuck - and only now after months have a clearer head about what I need to do x

@Exhaustedandsad I found meditation a great help. My friends were fantastic and without them I doubt I would have coped, but being able to talk to someone who didn’t have any connection to my life was refreshing.

In terms of sleep, I used calm herbal tablets and meditation sessions on you tube.

So sorry to read this O P, it must have been such a shock if it was out of the blue. Take one day at a time atm and try to keep hydrated and eat little and often. You will still be processing things and making sense of it all but it's good you have supportive friends to listen to you. Prepare yourself also for the emergence of another woman as men don't usually leave in this fashion unless they have another option lined up. So sorry you are going through this.

Your GP could give you something light for sleep, which would prob be fine with having your kids there too. Can he take the kids for a night or two? You need rest you can’t be doing all of this on your own. Can you understand why he left did he tell you? He owes you more than just packing his bags and hurling insults. Can you have a proper convo with him about why this is how he feels.?
Talking to friends will help and maybe a counselor. Focus on the good things in your life, I know it’s hard but it’s worth trying. Of course right now you will feel like crap, but down the line you’ll heal. Mind yourself x

@whattodo87 I don't plan to let it consume me, although it is extremely overwhelming. I've made some appointments for next week to look at the practicalities and I'm leaning on friends for support, but I just feel so anxious despite this that I'm struggling to eat/sleep, which I am sure isn't helping my state of mind. I'm attending counselling, but struggling in between. I've had diazapam for pain before, before but I wouldn't be comfortable taking it when solely responsible for the DC :(

@Ryah76 did you use an app or something for the medidation? There's so much out there it's somewhat overwhelming to know where to start.

@supercali77 more or less yes, completely out of the blue. I am utterly reeling, abd still having to try abd continue on with normal life. It's a lot right now.

@Seaoftroubles thank you. I have considered the possibility of an OW, it certainly would explain a lot. He however was mortally offended by the suggestion and as added it to his list of "evidence" that I'm awful.

@Shivvy120 he has given reasons, not ones I view in the way he does. He has had the DC a little, physical logistics are particularly challenging however. Even when they are bot here though I cant rest/sleep, my pulse is through the roof and my mind is constantly racing. I am seeing a counsellor, and we will be hopefully seeing someone together. I just need to feel calmer.

OP, please see your G.P and explain how stressed and anxious you are feeling. Propranolol can be prescribed for anxiety, also Phenergan which can help with getting you to sleep.
Re meditation there are lots to choose from on YouTube. Listen to a few to find a voice you like. l find Linda Hall Meditations very calming and really helpful for relaxation and lulling you into a relaxed state.

I finally got to the end of my ability to cope and cried at work. My lovely boss encouraged me to see the GP and I now have some medication.

We have spoken some more, and it is clear that he has no intention of being a supportive partner ever, he is resentful that I have found a series of very challenging circumstances (largely generated by his work situation) difficult and "no longer wishes to put up with my behavior." I don't deserve to be so disregarded, for my wellbeing to be so unimportant so I think I have to accept we are done. Hoping the medication will improve my physical symptoms so I can sleep and eat.

That's awful that you have been treated in such a cruel way op. How is the anxiety now?

@StealthedDefender the anxiety is still pretty bad - the Dr said the tablets would take a few days to work. The Dr has signed me off work, and I'm trying to resist the inner voice from my childhood and a decade of marriage that says I don't deserve to feel the way I do, and therefor I have no right to "indulge" myself. I'm trying to juat do what I feel I need in the moment and not feel guilty about it. This is not my doing, and I am worthy of care.

Anxiety can be so debilitating. Don't listen to the negative inner voice, listen to the strong voice telling you positive things, as you say, like being worthy of care. Your feelings are valid and day by day things will become more manageable. Feel free to DM me if you need to vent or for some moral support.

So sorry you're going through this. I'm almost 2 years ahead of you. It is awful and he is rewriting history to make himself feel ok about abandoning his family.
There's a high chance there's someone else.
This is ON HIM.
You've done nothing wrong.
Look up Vicky Starks work and read her two books on spousal abandonment.
The scales will fall from your eyes when you see him for the weak man he actually is. Real men don't just up and leave like this.
Rally round your friends.
Book social stuff with them for when the kids are with your ex
Do not play the pick me dance.
Google "The Script" and see what an ageing cliche he is.
See a solicitor and file for divorce. Get the financial order agreed while he feels guilty and keen to leave.

@StealthedDefender thank you, that's very kind. I'm trying to find that strong voice, it isn't easy.

@Yupiknowhowthatfeels it really does feel like a rewrite, I feel like I've taken LSD and decided to go to the circus, I cant trust what's real or not. It's very unnerving. I have worked so so hard, at my own detriment, to facilitate his life and its just been thrown back at me as I havent "coped well enough." It's very defeating.

I will look up the books you suggest. I have been signed off work, so have generated some breathing space.

My friends have been wonderful, and do not agree at all with the things he is saying, which h makes it almost more confusing. It hurts to be made out to be all these things by someone who is supposed to love you. I am trying to do nice things with my time, but money is super tight so it's a bit tricky.

I have had one appointment with a solicitor, but I didnt like them much so have booked some more. I can access a financial advisor through work, so I've booked that too. It's just exhausting to face after so many years of challenging situations.