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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Telling the new girlfriend?

10 replies

PacketInn · 27/05/2023 00:38

Will try to keep this to the point while also avoiding drip feeding.

Background is an ex partner from nearly 6 years ago now. We were together for about 2 years when I was young and vulnerable and he was very controlling, manipulative and completely destroyed my confidence and trust. I have been single ever since.

Over this time, he has continued to send messages. Initially, I didn't block him as he would say if I did he would have to show up at my house so I figured ignoring his stupid messages was the lesser of two evils. Once time went on and I learnt that no matter how much I ignored him, his threats were empty, I blocked him. He just got new numbers, new social media accounts.

About a month ago, he messaged me off a new social media. It was public and I noticed he had a new girlfriend. I ignore his messages. He would keep blocking me before I had chance, then unblocking me to message. The messages never admit to anything, but they are constant asking to see me and 'reconnect', what I'm doing etc.

I obviously can clearly see he has a new girlfriend and who she is. When he first started messaging me, I wanted to tell her. Not out of spite. But he used to make me feel so awful and accuse me of cheating just for saying hello to an old friend. I went through hell trying to prove myself to him. I look back now, and i wish someone would have told me that it wasn't me, it was all him and I wasn't going insane. However, I couldn't as I just don't want to give him any more ammunition to contact me.

However, this has been a month now. He is sending me emails asking me to go and meet him and he will 'tell me why when I get there'. With each message I feel more like I owe it to this girl to give her what I wish someone had given me.

But I know there's a tendency to shoot the messenger. I know it's likely my whole relationship will get dragged back up again. And I know things may be different with them 2.

So essentially I'm asking what you would do? Prioritise yourself, or this girl I've never met?

OP posts:
JeandeServiette · 27/05/2023 00:40

Neither. Police.

2chocolateoranges · 27/05/2023 00:41

I’d message back and tell him to stop messaging you or you will go to the police regarding his harassment!

MintJulia · 27/05/2023 01:16

Tell him you have kept a record of all his messages and if he doesn't stop, then you'll go to the police.

Opentooffers · 27/05/2023 01:37

Are you saying he's been contacting you for 6 years without a reply from you. Just block already. That you still give this headspace after all this time is more your issue.

Shivvy120 · 27/05/2023 10:56

He’s still controlling you. He has got his way of being able to msg you whenever he wants without any repercussions. You need to send a final msg that you will be going to the polic about his harassment. You can change your social accounts to accept msgs from only your contacts, you can just simply block any new numbers he gets ( how many numbers can he get before he gets sick of changing it?) he’s engaging with you because you are engaging with him. He’s luring you into communicating and sounds like to a bit of a creep to be honest. He has a new girlfriend and he is now doing to her most probably what he did to you, msging others etc. Maybe she’s not as obliging as you and he’s missing the taste of power and control. He sounds horrid.
1 last msg, change social media settings, then police if he keeps it up.

PintoMilk · 27/05/2023 12:01

Tell her. I would definitely want to know if I was his girlfriend, send her some screenshots as proof, so he can't claim you're a jealous ex or similar.

Pinkbonbon · 27/05/2023 12:23

I'm this scenario I'd tell her. He hasn't left you alone anyway so fuck it.

Alternatively, report him to the police. What he is doing is harassment.

Jamjaris · 31/10/2023 21:12

He wants you to engage even if it means you tell the new girlfriend, he will then become vengeful so block everytime he gets a new account and change your settings and get a new email address.
He doesn’t accept rejection and by messaging you he feels he is stopping you from moving on and keeping himself in your mind. He is the type of person that can turn dangerous so you need to report him as one day you will meet someone new and he probably won’t be able to accept it.

Falzarega · 31/10/2023 23:06

This is harassment. It is illegal. Report it to the police, get a crime number. Hopefully the police will scare him off.

As to the girlfriend, trust your instincts. Part of me wants to say walk away and don’t get involved in his life especially as he’s clearly mad. Part of me does wish someone would warn her but then he’ll just meet someone else.

You need to find a way, with the police, of ending his contact with you. Keep reporting him to social media companies for harassment, too.

category12 · 31/10/2023 23:15

Yes, get the police involved as he's been harassing you for years. Or have a solicitor send a "cease & desist" type letter to shit him up.

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